Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, October Elebbenf, 2013.
We are coming to you today with an abbreviated e-pissode of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! because We didn’t want to be accused of failing to wish all of Our Big Ol’ Gay Ho-Ma-Sechsual Readers a Happy National Coming Out Day.
Just for the record, We’re gay.
You’re shocked, We know. Mainly because We said “record” instead of “8-track tape”. If anyone’s looking for Us, We’ll be in the parlor, cranking up the Victrola.
No, “cranking up the Victrola” is NOT a euphemism. Slut.
We are tardy-to-the-party because We were out earning Our daily bread at a focus group. Where the moderator, Thomas (NOT “Tom” (how gay izzat?)) was GORGEOUS. With a capital GORGE. And that starts with G and that rhymes with P and that stands for PENIS.
Meanwhile, from The If It Weren’t (Subjunctively) For Bad Luck, We’d Have No Lucky Charms™ Department, it has, of course, been Picture Allen And Kevin Naked Week all week here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! (It is also, apparently, The Music Man Week, but that’s neither here nor Cher nor Barbara McNair.) So what do We learn just yesterday, but that Allen (and his nakedness) have been in hospital, undergoing surgery. So get well soon, Allen.
Now, mind you, when We were picturing Allen naked, there were no scalpels or other sharp objects in the vicinity. In fact, all of the instruments in said viZZZualization were blunt. Much like Our Own Self. And the only way these blunt instruments could be construed as weapons of any kind would be in the fact that they have been known to go off when One is cleaning them…
Oh, who didn’t see THAT coming (heh)?
In other news, special thanks to Peter, who quoted Our birthday wishes to him yesterday on his SitOnMyFaceBook page. We do not recall having ever been quoted before. At least not in print. (We know We’ve got you all saying “too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad” at the drop of a hat, but We’re pretty sure you’re not writing it down.) We are thinking We shall have to make next week Picture Peter Naked Week. But We shall probably call it Picture Peter’s Peter Week.
(This would be where We would insert a really long joke crossing PeterPeterPumpkinEater with Peter Piper Who Picked A Peck Of Speckled Peckers. Lettuce work on that over the weekend and get back to you.)
Special thanks also to Josh, who has once again been the sole press person to plug Us. (Did that sound unseemly to you? Because it sounded unseemly to Us, and We knew what We were talking about. (For a change.))
We MEANT, of course, plug Our SHOW. See him do that, and plug a few other folks as well, here: http://www.phillymag.com/g-philly/2013/10/11/weekend-roundup-gay-day-zoo-philly-trans-march-outfest/#more-1684071 (Is it just Us, or does the penguin look like Matthew Broderick?))
What show, you ask? LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour, the best-kept secret of the 2013 Philadelphia Fringe Festival, will be performed for one night only, Sunday, October 13 at 7:30 at L’Etage, so that everyone who was too busy Fringing can have a chance to see it. Getcher tickets here:
Cocktails will be served, and you can picture Kevin and Allen naked the whole time. And Peter.
And here is the HorrorScope:
In honor of National Coming Out Day, gay celebrity birthdays today include Matt Bomer and Eleanor Roosevelt.
In the interests of timeliness, in lieu of AssHatt Kelli’s e-ructations, today We shall print out your Your-O-Scopes, for those of you who are too lazy to click the link.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Excellent day to go half-barefoot. (One shoe only.) Answer no questions about it, though. Just say "I prefer not to talk about it."
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Good day to let yourself go. Just be back by 10, OK?
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will decide to go into the swimwear market, and will become famous by making things out of stainless steel.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
There will be a great disturbance in the force, today. Fortunately, it will be caused by a really funny lawyer joke sweeping through the Universe, so there's no reason for you to worry.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Time to make a bold new fashion statement. What's the reason for matching socks, anyway? Why are people so obsessed with sartorial symmetry?
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You'll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
This is a good time for you to start your on-line loan shark business. Start small, though. Try to be sort of a "loan piranha", at first.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Despite your best efforts, you will be unable to get your book published. But all you really need to do is change the title! "A Comparative Study of Invertibrate Parasites" is not likely to be published. But "A Bucket Full Of Leeches"? Now that's another story.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Your perfume or cologne has too much patchouli. Only an idiot wears patchouli. Or a witch. Hmm. Er, never mind. Wear whatever you like. I'm sure it's quite nice.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will become a bit nervous when you spot the Feldsteins, next door, doing a Bantu war dance. Perhaps you should call in sick today, and just stay indoors watching Wheel Of Fortune?
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Good day to bring home an insectivore as a pet.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
That new employee seems honest, and is a really hard worker - so who cares if she wants to wear a studded dog collar? You'll have to draw the line at butt sniffing, though.
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.