Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, October 30rd, 2013.
It has come to what passes for Our attention that We have not a single SitOnOurFaceBook friend with a birthday listed for yesterday, today, or tomorrow. What this means, obviously, is that, having planned their Halloween costumes around their pregnancies, pregnant women clench all the way through till November 1th.
Insert “Mischief Night” and “bobbing for apples” jokes here.
As We have no birthdays to celebrate, We shall get directly to Our main point, which is a SitOnOurFaceBook status/conversation from last night, presented in its entirety and without editorial comment. The names have been changed to protect the indigent:
Denise Huxtable (2 hours ago near New York, NY ):
“Watching Halloween with Jamie Lee Curtis and The Boyfriend.”
One Of Our Daughter’s (Many) Ex-Husbands: “Yours or hers?”
Starzina: “Wait...Jamie Lee Curtis is at your house?!? How cool is that! (Whatever she says, don't eat any yogurt.)”
Denise Huxtable: “Ambiguous prepositional phrases!”
Starzina: “Not even an Oxford comma would have helped you there!”
Some Rando: “It's not even clear whether you're watching "Halloween" or watching the holiday approaching.”
Some Rando: “This post is a hermaphrodital mess!”
Denise Huxtable: “With The Boyfriend, I'm watching Halloween, which stars Jamie Lee Curtis. Happy Halloween, assholes!”
Some Rando: #"Halloween"
Starzina: “Meanwhile, The Boyfriend stars Twiggy...but there's no way you could mix her up with Jamie Lee Curtis...barring some unfortunate gastrointestinal/yogurt debacle incident...Sigh. I'm so confused. Plus, your life is so much more interesting than mine.”
Denise Huxtable: “Participles and prepositions are totes interesting. To really make everyone jell-jells, though, we DVR'd dis shit LAST Monday night. Hells to da mm-hmm.”
Starzina: “I just came in my Tuesday panties (which are actually Depends™ (which I've been wearing since LAST Tuesday))...I've never DVRed ANYTHING...is that like BetaMaxing stuff onto your eight-track?”
Denise Huxtable: “Ask Kim Carnes. She'll tell ya.”
Starzina: “I heard she's got Bette Davis's eyes.”
Starzina: “Of course, I heard that on the gramophone.”
Denise Huxtable: “You're precocious.”
Starzina: “Oh you kid.”
Starzina: “(I wasn't quite sure how to punctuate that.)”
Denise Huxtable: “If this exchange does not inspire the horoscope tomorrow, I am totes skimming from now on!”
Starzina: “Also, TWENTY-THREE SKIDOO!!!”
Denise Huxtable: “When in doubt, try an Oxford comma, a llama, or a double entendre.”
Starzina: “I am picturing you naked AS WE SPEAK.”
Denise Huxtable: “But we iz typing, not speaking.”
Starzina: “Iz a figger of speech. Much like a Dalai Lama double entendre...which only happens in the very BEST circuses.”
Some Other Rando: “By "The Boyfriend", you mean Denise Huxtable’s Other Half, Denephew Huxtable? You know how much I love CAPITALIZATION, but that doesn't really serve any purpose.”
Denise Huxtable: “Ah, but I think it does serve a purpose….”
And there you have it, ladies and genitals, just a little glimpse into what happens here at Casa de CuckooForCocoaPuffs™ when We’re NOT e-pisstlizing for your edification and reading pleasure.
So now in addition to waiting vainly by Our rotary phone for so much as one sext following Picturing Allen And Kevin Naked Week, and Picturing Peter’s Peter Week, and What’s In OurThreeSons’ Jeggings? Week With A Side Of Sext From Lex, We are additionally waiting vainly by Our phone for same from Denise Huxtable (and Denise Huxtable’s Other Half, Denephew Huxtable (not to mention One Of Our Daughter’s (Many) Ex-Husbands)). Sigh.
Changing gears, The Little Show That Could, LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , will be returning for one night only on Sunday, November 10 at 7:30 at L’Etage. Get your tickets here: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/499391 . Dammit.
And here is the HorrorScope:
Happy celebrity birthday to Sue Carol, star of Girls Gone Wild. (The fillum from 1929, that is. (What, that’s NOT what Our str8 boi readers were thinking of?))
The details may get frustrating today, as you find people focusing too much on the small stuff and ignoring the big picture. (Sorry…did you say something?)
Still, you’ve got to follow their lead, even if it means you’re neck-deep in spreadsheets. (That’s how We got pregnant in the first place…We were swimming in spreadsheets where some boys were.)
Good news is coming in regard to a health issue today, and it will help clear your mind of a lot of stress and worry that has been crowding your life for the past several days. (So even though Our water broke on Monday, We can hold this sucker in till Friday, and NOT ruin Our Halloween costume? Alrighty, then.)
But this doesn’t mean you should slow down on the healthy track (Or the healthy crack.)
you’ve been going down. (Heh. AssHatt said “going down”.)
Keep eating healthy, (Who’s ”healthy”?)
keep thinking healthy, and definitely keep exercising! (Yeah, We’ll get right on that.)
Keep up the good work — you will thank yourself for it later. (Oh, sure…on top of all the OTHER crap We have to do four Ourself, now We gotta thank Ourself, too.)
It’s not exactly brain surgery, you know. (What the hell does brain surgery have to do with delivering Our baby?)
When you feel good physically, you’re twice as hot. (As what?)
For now, your energy gives you extra talent to any efforts to get yourself fit and healthy. (We have re-read that sentence three times. It makes no goddamn sense. Shut. Up. Kelli.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.