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Thursday, October 24, 2013

Drinking rum and Coca Cola™

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThird’sThirstyThirdThrowBackThursday, October 24st, 2013.

Our ever-so-lucky Gentle Readers are about to be the first folks in the known universe to hear that The Little Show That Could, LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour
, will be returning for one night only on Sunday, November 10 at 7:30 at L’Etage.  Get your tickets here:  . Dammit.

Happy Birthday to John, who turns twenty-four today We know not where. John has apparently done away with his SitOnMyFaceBook presence, because he’s a rebel like that.  We have seen John naked once upon a time (more on that in a few moments) and, if We can manage to track him down, We shall attempt to buy him a birthday drink in his birthday suit.

Speaking of birthday suits and nakediddity, Gentle Readers (who are not naked skimmers (and who have not had a stroke since yesterday)) will recall, um, yesterday, when, in the wake of the end of “Picturing Allen And Kevin Naked Week” and “Picturing Peter’s Peter Week”, We forged boldly forward where no ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulist) has gone before by declaring it A New Week.  You can relive the excitement in all its glory here:  or just enjoy the Reader’s Digest highlights that follow:

But back to the matter at hand, Ducks (which is different than the hatter Armand (which is, yet again, different from the Mad Hatter Armand Hammer (remember when Armand Hammer made baking soda?  Now his great-grandson Armie Hammer…well, Looks Like That.  Hi-yo, Silver, et cetera.)))…none of these parentheses is getting Us any closer to the matter at hand, is they, Ducks?  Let’s start over…

Armie Hammer naked…

Let’s start over again…

Having already dragged Allen, Kevin, and Peter into this again by neck and crop (and have We mentioned recently that We’ve actually SEEN the “crops” on two out of three of ‘em in Real Life?  Sigh…), We must mention that We had absolutely no responses to yesterday’s request for Whom Should We Picture Naked THIS Week? Consequently, We have taken matters into Our Own hands (along with Mad Hatter Armand Hammer’s great-Grandson Armie Hammer), and decided, for reasons entirely Our Own to declare it “What’s In Those Jeggings™? Week”, starring OurThreeSons from the murder mystery.

 And now We’re back in the present tense (that’s “present tense” as all one phrase, not an attempt to say that We’re in the present, AND We’re tense.  We are no more (nor less) tense than usual (despite the invocation of the image of not one but three lovely pairs of Jeggings™)).

In other news, this just in from Twatter: “Sometimes I feel useless but then I remember I breathe out carbon dioxide for plants”.

Speaking of murder mysteries (in which, presumably, the participants do NOT wear Jeggings™ (Heh…”particiPANTS”…get it?  (Oh, shut up.))), We will be attending this: this evening.  You, unfortunately, cannot come with Us, as it is sold out.  Because that is just how hip and cool We are; We go to things that SELL OUT.  However, when last We heard, there were tickets remaining for the Friday and Saturday performances, and, as it is doing so well, We imagine they will be bringing it back, so keep an eyeball peeled.


And here is the HorrorScope:

Okay, it is a deeply disturbing day when We go to Our celebrity birthday website, and, out  of the top ten celebrities born today, We only recognize the name of Number Ten, Y.A. Tittle, and all We know about him (other than his gender) is that he played some sport or other.

(Okay, in the interests of mind-broadening and general edification, We have Googled Y. A. Tittle on Wikipedia.  Not because We care about what sport he played (one set of balls is so like another (Hi, Josh…please feel free to prove Us wrong on that score)), but because We wanted to find out what the “Y.A.” stood for.  Are you ready for this?  “Yelberton Abraham”. )

(Seriously, Mister and Missus Tittle?  “We shall call the baby ‘Yelberton’.”?  Like it’s not bad enough your last name is “Tittle”?  Jeebus.)

You’ve got deeply held emotional business bubbling up to the surface today. (Indeed so.  We are traumatized by imagining Missus Tittle (whose name, We have decided, was “Letitia”, and whose nickname, We have further decided, was “Titzy”) hollering out the backdoor to call young Yelberton in for supper.)

Things may get a little weird later in the day, (Not, of course, as weird as they got at the Tittle household.  Missus Tittle’s maiden name having been, in an odd twist of fate, “Little”.)

but you still need to keep focused on what’s most important to you.  (Jeggings™.)

 Your family obligations are weighing on your mind right now.  (Indeed.   For example, We are grateful to The Sainted Mother for not naming Us Yelberton.  Although We can understand Mister Tittle’s motivation in naming his son thus, his own personal name having been Fritz.  (Which is also understandable, given that his poor mother’s name was Mitzi.))

(We are thinking that, after We finish this e-pisstle, We may have to do some updating on Y.A. Tittle’s Wikipedia page…)

It’s time for a conversation where compromises can be made and harmony can be achieved.  (Ah, harmony.  Makes One think of the Andrews Sisters.  Who, truth be told, were always grateful not to be the Tittle Sisters.  (Wouldn’t YOU be?  Seriously…”Patty Tittle”?))

Honest talk is easy when you know that this other person cares about you unconditionally. (What does using conditioner have to do with anything?)

Misunderstandings were what pushed you apart, so get clarity to get things back on track.  (Lady Clairol™…mix a double batch, and get a snatch to match.)

 Your gut can lead you in the right direction, (Was that a fat joke?)

but you have to be willing to listen. (Borborygmy…it’s not just for breakfast anymore.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.