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Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Spiderman! Spiderman! Does whoever a spider can.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, October 1th, 2013.  Happy birthday to Ricky, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Also, Happy Birthday to Giovanni’s Room, which someone needs to purchase for Us immediately, please and thank you.

So the government is closed.  Perhaps you’ve heard.  It is becoming increasingly less clear to Us how this country manages to avoid being taken over by the Chinese.  Or maybe that is what’s about to happen…they’ll reopen the government, and everybody will have been replaced by a Chinaman.  And We’ll all be hungry again half an hour later.

The governmental closure means, amongst other things, that Our Gentle Reader Dena (hi, Dena!) has the day off, and is, no doubt, alphabetizing her spice cupboard.

But, in news of importance (as opposed to news of imPOtence) We are  remounting (ooooohhhh!) Our show, LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour, the best-kept secret of the 2013 Philadelphia Fringe Festival, so that everyone who was too busy Fringing can have a chance to see it.  So get your tickets now, kidz; We’re doing it one night only, Sunday, October 13 at 7:30 at L’Etage:

In other news, We receive occasional emails from a syndicated computer/technology/InterNetz guru.  Today’s helpful hint arrived with the subject line: “Helpful Tip: Find sex offenders in your neighborhood.”  We’re VERY excited…We’re finally going to have sex!

And here is the HorrorScope:

Dame Julie Andrews was born today, as was Poseidon Adventure star, Stella Stevens.  Also Bonnie Parker, of Bonnie and Clyde fame, who, We just learned, was only twenty-four years old when she died. (This would be the place for a long, drawn-out joke in which We claim that Bonnie Parker was a time-travelling Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! reader, much as Justin Bieber, upon visiting the Anne Frank House, claimed that Anne “She’s In The Attic” Frank would have been a Belieber.  But ain’t nobody got time fo’ dat.)

Your sweeter, more romantic side is on display today (Could everyone here kindly step to the rear?)

— so make the most of it and ask someone out on a date!  (Alright, Johnny Depp…you heard the lady.  Dinner and a movie? (No, NOT The Lone Ranger.))

You may find that your energy is perfect for new people, (Or nude people.)

or perhaps just that one special someone.  (Way to narrow it down.  AssHatt.)

Your creativity has a mind of its own today, (Well. Innat creative of it?)

leading you to make different choices than you usually do. (Are you insinuating that We are predictable?  HOW DARE YOU!  WE’VE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF YOU!)


Friends who are expecting (Should sit down and take a load off, before their water breaks on Our sofa.)

you to act one way might have a hard time believing it when you want to act in another way — but they are definitely going to like what they see!  (Wait…are We acting today?  Where’s Our calendar?)

Today should be all about letting the deepest sides of your personality out into the world — let your personality be seen in all its unique and kooky glory. (You left out “mysterious and spooky” and “altogether ooky”.)

 You will be loved, celebrated, and empowered.  (Which beats the shit out of folded, spindled, and mutilated.)

If your profile isn’t getting a terrific response, freshen it up. (Give Us a minute….We’ll put on more eyeliner and pretend to be a Chinaman.)

You’ve got the right kind of creative energy to fill it with hot, sweet details — the kind that can attract hot, sweet people.  (Apparently, people can be both hot AND sweet.  Unlike peppers.  On the other hand, peppers are picked in packs, and don’t mind having their peckers pickled.  Peter Parker was Spiderman.  Andrew Garfield naked.)

(The end.) 

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.