Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Fffriday, October Ffforfff, TwennyFffirteen.
Happy Birthday to Our Daughter, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in Suburbia. Newbie Readers will, no doubt, wonder how We can have a twenty-four-year-old daughter when We are only twenty-four Our Very Own Self. Oldie Readers, all together now: “Where is the time machine? It’s in the credenza. Where is the credenza? It’s in the time machine.”
Why, We remember it just as though it were (subjunctively) tomorrow. (That is, of course, one of the side effects of having a time machine. That, and people constantly asking you what happens if you go back and kill Hitler.) It was nap time at Our nursery school prom. We had finished Our cookies and juice. (And may We just say, parenthetically (hence the parentheses), We didn’t have no sissy juiceboxes, nor no sissy sippy cups, neither. We had to drink out of grownup cups, and We had to LIKE it. (We also didn’t have no sissy fruit juice. We drank beetle juice (beetle juice, beetle juice), and, most of the time, We had to squeeze Our Own beetles.))
Suddenly and without warning, there was a voice between Our legs. Not that this was especially unusual, even during Our pre-school years, but the voice didn’t usually come from the inside. We must have blacked out for a bit, because the next thing We knew, Our fully-grown twenty-four –year-old daughter had arrived.
Fortunately, she had brought her very own box of Placenta Helper™, because you sure as hell don’t need to imagine that We were going to cook dinner after an experience like that.
Happy Birthday also to Ian, who also turns twenty-four today somewhere in Greater Bostonia. Additionally, Happy Birthday to Jill, who STARTED turning twenty-four today here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles, but who will FINISH turning twenty-four in Bangladesh or Bangalore or Bangkok…some foreign country or another. Plus, Happy Birthday to Alex, who turns twenty-four today FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME (innat cute?) somewhere in WeHo, and to Juli, who doesn’t EVEN turn twenty-four today.
And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Ben, who turns twenty-four today here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Ben was in the audience for Our very-first-ever public appearance, at the 2008 Fringe Festival. We sat on his lap during an audience participation segment. Ben is Eye-talian. We did not know that for a fact at the time, but We could tell by sitting on his lap. We definitely heard voices between Our legs. One of ‘em said, “Izzat The Leaning Tower of Pisa, or are you just happy to see Us?”
Come meet Ben at Our show, which We are remounting (ooooohhhh!), as We already mentioned. LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour, the best-kept secret of the 2013 Philadelphia Fringe Festival, will be performed for one night only, Sunday, October 13 at 7:30 at L’Etage, so that everyone who was too busy Fringing can have a chance to see it. Getcher tickets here:
If We’ve amused you this far, perhaps you can help Us with something: We are having a computer issue, wherein YouTube videos have no sound. They play, but it’s all Marcel Marceau-like. Yes, We have rebooted. Yes, Our speakers are fine. Other sounds play, music plays, videos on Our hard drive play, other embedded video sources (e.g. Vine) play. Help?
And here is the HorrorScope:
Speaking of things that are busted, Our celebrity birthday site informs Us that it is Susan Sarandon’s birthday, and refers to her as a “red-haired actress”. Seriously?
You need to make sure that you’re paying close attention to what others are doing and saying today (Sorry…did you say something?)
— otherwise, you may find that you’re totally lost when it’s time to get together tonight. (“Getting together tonight” is the murder mystery. One can only get so “lost”.)
This is a wonderful day to get stuff started! (How izzit for getting stuff stuffed?)
If you’ve been delaying making travel plans, (Can one delay time travel? Discuss…)
calling up that cutie, (Honey, if your “cutie” is under forty, you don’t “call him up”. Get with the program.)
or getting your car fixed, (Prevent unwanted cars, people. Have your cars spayed and neutered.)
it’s time to stop stalling and do what you need to do. (If you simultaneously start stalling and stall starting, how can you tell? (If you have to stand in line to use a rest room, is that stall waiting?))
Now it’s time to act. (It’s a murder mystery…there’s precious little “acting” about it.)
You can be confident that whatever is begun today will end in a huge success. (Well, or a huge SOMETHING. (Wherezzat Eye-talian boi?))
As for your concerns that you’re not quite ready: Well, you’re never going to be completely prepared. (Whatevs. Have a Boy Scout completely prepared: stripped, washed, and brought to Our tent.)
But you can make things up as you go along! (No way!)
Focusing relentlessly on what you want from romance is just one way to get where you need to go. (Walking softly and carrying a big dick works, too.)
But don’t let that focus get so intense that you can’t see what’s going on right before your eyes. (When-a the moon hits-a your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amoré. When an eel bites your heel while you’re copping a feel, that’s a moray.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.