Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, October 15rd, 2013. Happy Birthday to Cathy, who turns twenty-four today Somewhere In Suburbia. Happy Birthday also to Mike, who also turns twenty-four today, also Somewhere In Suburbia. Also too, Happy Birthday also too to Justin, who also too turns twenty-four today, albeit (because We’re literate like that) in New York. New York, New York, that is. Public pools, Broadway stars.
And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Ian, who also turns twenty-four today. Somewhere In Canada. Which is a whole ‘nother COUNTRY. We are INTERNATIONALLY ACCLAIMED here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! So also, Happy Belated Thanksgiving to Ian and all the rest of Our Canadianese readers.
Additionally, Happy Ides Of October to the rest of all y’all. The Ides Of October are perhaps not as well known as, say, The Ides Of March, which are, of course, notorious as the day that Julius Caesar got his salad tossed. It is, however, Tito Jackson’s birthday, so there’s that.
In other news, those of Our Gentle Readers who do NOT have short-term memory loss (which, based on attendance at Our recent live performances, is apparently not very many of you) will recall from yesterday that it is Picturing Peter’s Peter Week. Which would include, presumably, Picturing Peter’s Pubic Hair, unless there’s been some sort of bizarre manscaping incident. We did in fact ask Peter for his nom de pubes, so We could report back to Our Gentle Readers, but We as yet have had no word on what, if anything, Peter has named his pubic hair. More on this story as it (ahem) develops.
And here is the HorrorScope:
Okay, in addition to Tito Jackson, the celebrity birthday site that We consult wants Us to know that The Ides Of October is also the birthday of Minh Tuyet, Fela Kuti, Mira Nair, Guo Jingjing, and Mesut Ozil. We’re pretty sure Our celebrity birthday site is fucking with Us.
Today poses a real problem for you (Not really. We were, oddly, not invited to Tito Jackson’s birthday party, so there’s no pesky question of what gift to buy.)
-- and it's one you can't ignore. (Sorry…did you say something?)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
There is good news, though: (Oh, We KNOW! The Lovely And Talented Christopher Rice’s new book, The Heavens Rise, comes out (heh) today in bookstores everywhere! So, if We WERE (subjunctively) invited to Tito Jackson’s birthday party, We would know exactly what to buy him.)
You can fix this, (Please: have your pets spayed and neutered. Also, your ugly children.)
even if it takes a few days away from your master plan to do so. (What happens if One’s only master plan is masturbation? THEN WHAT?)
You’ve got some explaining to do, (Lucy, you’ve got some ‘splainin’ to do!)
(We cannot recall the last time We actually uttered the words “Desi Arnaz”. Can you?)
(It’s wondering about things like that that keeps Us from writing OUR new book.)
and the person who wants to hear it isn’t feeling especially patient. (We are thinking that, if you’re into feeling patients, you should look into sports medicine.)
The good news is that their impatience is really just a mask for how eager they are to hear from you. (Wow. Is that the best good news you’ve got? ‘Cause, seriously, We may just go directly back to bed.)
So what’s the holdup? (There’s a seven-day waiting period to get a gun?)
(That there was a little existential joke. (Existential jokes, for you civilians, are the ones that aren’t funny.))
Grab the phone, (Isn’t it “hold the phone”?)
get hold of them, (Now We’re REALLY confused.)
and put an end to this nonsense. (YOU started it. Plus, We’re fairly certain that if We put an end to the nonsense, We’ll have pretty much nothing left.)
Dates don’t have to mean awkward shoes and complex plans (Figs, on the other hand, mean come-fuck-me pumps and three-dimensional blueprints. And don’t even get Us started on kumquats.)
— for the time being, simpler is better. (Well, good. ‘Cause We’re about as simple as they come.)
Watch a movie with that hottie or just plan for a quiet night with a friend, and you both really connect. (How many parts of that sentence are euphemisms? Or is it all just one big euphemism? Inquiring minds want to know…)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.