Before We begin e-pisstling all over your petunia patch (and before We begin the beguine, because nothing says “Dear Jeebus, you’re GAY” like knowing who Cole Porter is), from The Department Of People On The WorldWideInterWebNetz Who Actually Give A Shit About Us, please note that Our beloved colleague and future ex-cyberhusband AstroGeek, who looks damn good in a leather thong (We assume (thereby shoving Uma Thurman up Hume Cronyn’s ass), as We have no photographic evidence of same), is peddling his papayas at a new InterWebNetzian address, to wit, here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/ . He is extremely well-versed in cosmic orbs of all sizes, colors, and weights, and knows, dare We say it, even more about Uranus than We do, so do please go and check him out.
Tell him Starzina sent you…maybe he’ll show you his thong.
And now, today’s e-pissode. Brought to you by Zombie’s Eve™…for that not-so-fresh, rotting-flesh feeling.
(Did We just do a zombie joke? It’s a cry for help, people! (At least it wasn’t a FUNNY zombie joke…))
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, October 2th, 2013. Happy birthday to Susan, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Also, Happy Birthday to Dean, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.
In further-flung news, Happy Birthday also to Davon, who turns twenty-four today in New York. New York, New York, that is. Davon and We were, apparently, in a student fillum together once. Although that is another thing of which We have no photographic evidence. One wonders how these fillum students ever learn anything, when they never seem to finish their fillums. Sigh.
Also, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to CuteBoyInTights, all the way out in The Windy City.
In other news of importance (as opposed to other news of imPOtence) We are remounting (ooooohhhh!) Our show, LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour, the best-kept secret of the 2013 Philadelphia Fringe Festival, so that everyone who was too busy Fringing can have a chance to see it. So get your tickets now, kidz; We’re doing it one night only, Sunday, October 13 at 7:30 at L’Etage:
And here is the HorrorScope:
In celebrity birthdays, Mahatma Gandhi was born today. As was Sting. (Were We the only one who didn’t realize that they were two different people?) Also, Kelly Ripa and Groucho Marx were born today; you will, of course, remember them from their talk show, Groucho and Kelly.
It’s a day of routines for you and your people (Oh, damn…and here, We left Our baton in Geometry class.)
— but try not to grumble or express your boredom. (We do not GRUMBLE. People might not HEAR Us.)
It’s a great time to get things done, and there’s really only one way to do that effectively. (An Uzi. Or a flamethrower. Oh, wait…that’s TWO ways.)
Today you should put ‘good conversation’ at the top of your priority list! (And here, We’ve already put “cunning linguist”. But that’s sort of the same thing right? Speaking in tongues…)
But in order to make it happen, you have to be ready to take things to a deeper level than you usually do — with people you don’t usually talk to. (Okay, now We’re bored.)
Small talk is for small minds, right now, and since you certainly are not one of those, why not prove it? (Never mind.)
(See, that right there? Was an existential joke. (Existential jokes are the kind that aren’t funny. (Well, ONE of the kinds. Also, zombie jokes.)))
Instead of asking about someone’s weekend, ask them how they feel about, say, international politics. (Or, say, the International House of Pancakes.)
You might get an odd look, (Wait…We could look odder than THIS?!?)
but you’ll also get great insight into another person. (A chainsaw has that same effect.)
A snap judgment could close off an avenue that is much better left wide open. (And a snapping turtle could make soup.)
Just ask one more question, or give them one more chance — even if they’re not quite right, they can introduce you to the one. (Yeah. ‘Cause that? ALWAYS happens.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.