Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMadCowMonday, October 28rd, 2013. Happy Birthday to Deb, who turns twenty-four today. In WeHo. Well, possibly just in El Lay, but We prefer to imagine that everyone We know who lives in El Lay lives in WeHo. We’re funny like that. Not, of course, so much “funny: ha ha” as “funny, that freezer was never full until the neighbors started disappearing”.
Happy Birthday also to Soi, who also turns twenty-four today. In Hollywood. Not WeHo, though…Hollywood, FLORIDA. Which is just confusing. So We guess that would be SoHo. Except there’s already Soho in New York, and Soho in London…
Fuck math, GEOGRAPHY is hard.
Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Celeste and Cheez-Its, each of whom turned twenty-four this past weekend, somewhere geographical.
So many birthdays, so little cake. Sigh.
This is, of course, the time of year when the entire universe is busy turning against Us. (It being, naturally, All. About. Us. (Screw that Eve chick.)) The days are rapidly getting shorter, and the weather is getting more disgustingly cold by the second. So this is really not the time to have an impromptu water main break on War-Torn Warnock Street, and turn off Our water for the night.
Also, when We call up WaterWorld, or whatever governmental department is in charge of such things, We really do not need to be kept on hold for-fucking-EVER. Especially if you’ve had time to make a recording to tell Us that, “due to an exceptionally high call volume tonight, it may take some time to answer your call”, when you COULD have made a recording that said, “water service to War-Torn Warnock Street is expected to return at blankety-fuck o’clock; in the meantime, drink vodka”.
Also also, when Sucretia and Epiphany’s second cousin thrice removed, Mitochondria, finally answers the phone, We do not need her to give Us attitude and say, “there is no one here who can tell you when service will be returned; you need to go outside and talk to the crew”, because, of all the stupid things We have done, are doing, and are still going to do in Our life, “going outside to talk to the crew” is not one of them. KThxBye.
In still other news, even after Picturing Allen And Kevin Naked Week, and Picturing Peter’s Peter Week, and What’s In OurThreeSons’ Jeggings? Week With A Side Of Sext From Lex, We are still waiting vainly by Our rotary phone for so much as one sext. We’d accept even a dyslexic sext, at this point…a dyslexic sext being, naturally, one in which you clock out with your rocks out.
Or wang out in your hangout.
Everybody Wang Chung tonight.
It’s like We’re losing Our mind…
Changing gears, The Little Show That Could, LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , will be returning for one night only on Sunday, November 10 at 7:30 at L’Etage. Get your tickets here: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/499391 . Dammit.
And here is the HorrorScope:
Google would like Us to know that it is Edith Head’s 116th birthday. We are guessing that’s more cake We’re not going to have. Perhaps We’ll just go have some Very Special Brownies with Joaquin Phoenix.
Meanwhile, it is getting later by the second here at Casa de Curmudgeon, and We were looking for a way to expedite Our usual call-and-response with AssHatt Kelli’s horoscope, when We discovered that today’s hrosocpe digest said this:
“If you’ve got kids, today is all about them — even more so than usual. The good news is that your energy is in sync with little ones. If you don’t have any, find a friend who does and offer to babysit.”
Seriously? Have you MET Us? Peace out, Bee-yotch.
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.