Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThirdsThirstyThrowbackThursday, October 17st, 2013. Happy Birthday to Our Aunt B, who turns twenty-four today in Hershey. (We say “Hershey” so that those of you who are geographically challenged, like Our Own Self, will have some idea where We mean. In reality, Aunt B is turning twenty-four somewhere called “Hummelstown”, which, had We not been there, We would have no idea where it is, and which also, We just realized, makes Us think of Hummel figurines, although We have no idea beyond the vaguest generality as to what a Hummel figurine even is.)
(We have just returned from a Googling session on Wikipedia, and We now know exactly what a Hummel figurine is. Unfortunately, We don’t CARE, so there’s another damn brain cell wasted when We have so few to spare.)
In other news, We received the following message on SitOnOurFaceBook as a review following Our show on Sunday:
“Starzina has my vote for president. I am so glad I went to your show, you foul-mouthed, all- knowing goddess.”
Thank you, Katy! We are looking into having “Foul-mouthed, all-knowing goddess” T-shirts made.
Meanwhile, from The Ask For What You Want; Who Knows…You Might Get It Department, stay tuned for an announcement of Our November appearance dates.
In other other news, Picturing Peter’s Peter Week continues apace, but We can hardly describe it better than We did yesterday:
In other news, Picturing Peter’s Peter Week continues apace, and continues to include, presumably, Picturing Peter’s Pubic Hair, unless there’s been some sort of bizarre manscaping incident. We did in fact ask Peter for his nom de pubes, so We could report back to Our Gentle Readers, but We as yet have had no word on what, if anything, Peter has named his pubic hair. More on this story as it (ahem) develops.
It occurs to Us that, unlike the previous Picturing Allen And Kevin Naked Week, in which We have previously peeped at the penii at hand (as it were), Picturing Peter’s Peter Week is a completely different exercise, involving, as it does, one hundred percent imagination, and absolutely zero sense memory. So if Allen or Kevin, say, were (subjunctively) to sext Us (as the kidz say) a private parts picture, per se, (“per se” didn’t really make sense there, but We were waxing poetic (although perhaps We shouldn’t say “waxing” so close to Allen and Kevin’s private parts)), those would be previously peeped penis pixtures, whereas (seriously? How literate are We?) if Peter sexted Us a private peter picture, that would be a Peter’s penis picture premiere.
Meanwhile, lest you three gentlemen think this is all just random fun at your expense, the first one of you to send Us a private parts pixture (via phone, email, or SitOnMyFaceBook message) will receive a prize via return mail. (And no, by “prize”, We do NOT mean a pixture of Our Own private parts.)
And, in case you were wondering, gentlemen, that PRIZE has yet to be claimed. So fire up those cameraphones and Make. Our. Day. (You’re picturing Clint Eastwood dressed up as Starzina now, aren’t you? And this entertainment is ALL FREE.)
And here is the HorrorScope:
Meanwhile, in celebrity birthdays, did everybody except Us know that Jeremy Irons has a son named Max Irons? Who is GORGEOUS? So many future ex-husbands, so little time.
Speaking of time, time having kept on slipping, slipping, slipping into the future, today We give you, in lieu of AssHatt Kelli’s babblings, a reading from Madame Olivia:
Greetings Eric ~
Hello again. Madame Olivia is happy to receive you.
Madame Olivia has a thought about putting off dreaded tasks. Why is it so ridiculously easy to procrastinate on some things? Remember that the cras in procrastinate means tomorrow (in Latin), ie, defer till tomorrow. You do see the problem? Tomorrow never comes as you are always in today! The solution is to do the tiniest bit of the dreaded task right now. Incredibly and counterintuitively, motivation kicks in after 90 seconds of action. You'll be amazed.
Big jolly Jupiter is in Gemini, little Aries, and shining his light on intimate communications in your life. Now is an excellent time for you to take a look at these. With one or more of these people you may have an impulse toward refining, deepening, enhancing, reconnecting or even, if necessary, disconnecting to one degree or another. Trust yourself on this. Jupiter is behind you.
Verb of the day: wonder
Alas, it is time to take our leave but Madame Olivia looks forward to your next visit and sends you warmest wishes.
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.