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Friday, October 25, 2013

I am Katy Perry, hear me roar

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, October 25rd , 2013.  Happy Birthday to TJ, who may or may not turn twenty-four today.  In New York.  New York, New York.  The city so nice, they made fried rice.  (We have no idea what that means.)  Happy Birthday also to Blaine, who DOES turn twenty-four today, right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  With or without fried rice, but with six, you get egg roll.  (We have no idea what that means either.)

Damn, now We’re hungry for Chinese food.

And We’ll probably be hungry again in half an hour.

That’s not racist; it’s just that We’re pretty sure We’re not getting any food, Chinese or otherwise, in the next half hour.

(Is it just Us, or does “Chinese or otherwise” sound like the beginnings of some manner of ethnic slur?)

Changing ethnicities for the moment,  The Little Show That Could, LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , will be returning for one night only on Sunday, November 10 at 7:30 at L’Etage.  Get your tickets here:  . Dammit.

Meanwhile, for Our newly-turned-twenty-four-year-olds above, and the rest of you twenty-four-year-old gentlemen out there, here are Seven Things Every Man Must Do Before He Turns Thirty-Five (sexism NOT Ours, ladies): 

Speaking of Chinamen, it’s been a while since We gave a shout-out/hello to Lex in China.  Lex in China is a self-professed naked skimmer of these e-pisstles, not to be confused with the opera, Nixon in China.  Unlike many of Our other naked skimmers, We have seen this particular one naked.  We can tell you that, because he will no doubt nakedly skim right past it.  Also, he’s in China, so he’ll just be naked again in half an hour.  Of course, if your name is Lex, and you’re naked in China, there’s a whole Gulliver-amongst-the-Lilliputians thing going on, but We’ll bypass that for now.

(What are the odds of Our getting a sext from Lex?)

Speaking of birthday suits and nakediddity, We are currently having a total crap day, because (A.) it’s fucking freezing and (2.) people seem to be doing their level best to make every damn thing more difficult, so We’re just going to re-run yesterday’s “birthday suits and nakediddity” story.

(We mistyped “fucking” as “fuckign” in the preceding.  As suggested replacements, Micro$oft Weird™ offered “bucking”, “ducking”, “tucking”, “lucking”, and “mucking”.  First of all, thanks a lot, Micro$oft Weird™.  Seconal, is “lucking” even a word? And Thurber, where the motherfucking fuckety-fuck was “sucking”?)

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Speaking of birthday suits and nakediddity, Gentle Readers (who are not naked skimmers (and who have not had a stroke since yesterday)) will recall, um, yesterday, when, in the wake of the end of “Picturing Allen And Kevin Naked Week” and “Picturing Peter’s Peter Week”, We forged boldly forward where no ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulist) has gone before by declaring it A New Week.  You can relive the excitement in all its glory here:  or just enjoy the Reader’s Digest highlights that follow:

But back to the matter at hand, Ducks (which is different than the hatter Armand (which is, yet again, different from the Mad Hatter Armand Hammer (remember when Armand Hammer made baking soda?  Now his great-grandson Armie Hammer…well, Looks Like That.  Hi-yo, Silver, et cetera.)))…none of these parentheses is getting Us any closer to the matter at hand, is they, Ducks?  Let’s start over…

Armie Hammer naked…

Let’s start over again…

Having already dragged Allen, Kevin, and Peter into this again by neck and crop (and have We mentioned recently that We’ve actually SEEN the “crops” on two out of three of ‘em in Real Life?  Sigh…), We must mention that We had absolutely no responses to yesterday’s request for Whom Should We Picture Naked THIS Week? Consequently, We have taken matters into Our Own hands (along with Mad Hatter Armand Hammer’s great-Grandson Armie Hammer), and decided, for reasons entirely Our Own to declare it “What’s In Those Jeggings™? Week”, starring OurThreeSons from the murder mystery.

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And here is the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthdays today, We have Katy Perry and Helen Reddy. In honor of the occasion, We went and listened to Ms. Perry’s latest, “Roar”,  for the first time.  Is it just Us, or is this the exact same song as “Firework”?
Whatever you may think of Ms. Reddy’s oeuvre, “Delta Dawn” and “I Am Woman”  are NOT the same song.  Just sayin’.

Family needs are dominant today, so focus what you’ve got on kids, your partner or the old folks back home.  (Oh, and be sure call them “the old folks back home “.  To their faces.  They love that.  Trust Us.)

Whatever you do, expect to get rewarded sevenfold in the medium-term future.  (“Sevenfold”?  “Medium-term”?  What the hell language are you speaking now, AssHatt?)

Recent family problems are finally getting solved today, and the good news is that very soon they will all be gone.  (Oh, yeah.  There’ll be no more family problems at all, once you’ve called ‘em “the old folks back home” a couple of times.)

And when they are, remember to leave them behind — bygones should be left as bygones. (Does anybody else want “bygones” to rhyme with “cojones”?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

Do not try to get back into a touchy conversation with someone right when they are finally calm again.  (Indeed not.  Because those “the old folks back home” might just fly right off the handle.)

(We got interrupted, and totally forgot that We were supposed to be telling Chinaman jokes.  Sigh.)

(Does this mean that Lex won’t sext Us now?)

You want a new gadget — and you want it now!  (Also, a new Gidget.  But only if We can play in Moondoggie’s Speedo™.)

One of the great things about being single is that you don’t have to ask permission.  (So there’s more than one great thing?)

Indulge in some retail therapy and really enjoy your purchase. (Wow.  Did that come out of reft field or what?)

You deserve it!  (Oh, don’t even get Us started…)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.