Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThird’sThirstyThrowbackThursday, October Tenf, 2013. Happy Birthday to Peter, who turns twenty-four today in Indiana. The city, not the state. Because, if he were (subjunctively) in the state, he would most likely be in Indianapolis. Mainly because that’s the only city We can think of that’s in (the state of) Indiana. Which is now making Us wonder how it is that Annapolis is not in the state of Anna.
Geography is hard.
We just thought of Muncie, Indiana.
Who the fuck thinks of Muncie, Indiana? We may have to go lie down…
(How many of you are now mentally singing, “Gary, IN-diana, Gary, IN-diana, Gary, IN-diana”? Jeebus Cripes, YouPeople are GAY.)
(Apropos of nothing, We just Googled “Gary Indiana” on Wikipedia, and there is an actor who has that name. True fact. (Also, how is it that Micro$oft Weird™ recognizes “Cripes” as a word, but not “Jeebus”?))
And to think, when We sat down to do this this morning, We were thinking, “We got nothin’.”
So the weather certainly has taken a turd for the wurst, hasn’t it? (We wouldn’t ordinarily discuss the weather, especially when We were already on such a roll with geography, but We wanted to promote Our new saying, “taken a turd for the wurst”, which, cleverly, means the same thing as its sound-alike saying, “taken a turn for the worse”. Because, if you have (mis)taken a turd for the wurst, you are certainly on the verge of taking a turn for the worse.)
We kill Us.
Micro$oft Weird™ recognizes neither “turd” nor “wurst”. Discuss.
In other news, Picturing Allen And Kevin Naked Week continues here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! We actually had a lovely message from Allen yesterday. Which only served to make Us picture him even harder.
Heh. See what We did there?
In still other news, We are shrilled and ignited to inform you that We will be getting Our hairs did today. Which means We shall finally be able to abandon this rather unwieldy chignon. And not a moment too soon, as We are not completely unconvinced that it is uninhabited.
(We are willing to wager that nobody came in here today expecting to encounter the word “chignon”. Apparently, chignon is the Spanish Inquisition of hairdos. (Or hairdon’ts.))
Moving on, have We neglected so far to mention Our show, which We are remounting (ooooohhhh!)? LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour, the best-kept secret of the 2013 Philadelphia Fringe Festival, will be performed for one night only, Sunday, October 13 at 7:30 at L’Etage, so that everyone who was too busy Fringing can have a chance to see it. Getcher tickets here:
Cocktails will be served, and you can picture Kevin and Allen naked the whole time.
And here is the HorrorScope:
In celebrity birthday news, Mario Lopez is forty. We saw him on television recently. Honey, if that’s what forty looks like, We are All. About. It. In fact, he is cordially invited to get naked and sit in between Allen and Kevin. ROWRRRR!
In the interests of washing the cooties out of Our hair before heading (heh) off to the hairdoers, here, in lieu of AssHatt Kelli’s spewings, is A Reading From Madame Olivia:
Greetings Eric ~
Welcome to Madame Olivia. It's lovely to have you back.
Madame Olivia has a thought for you. Sometimes we struggle gamely on and forget that we can ask for help, on micro and macro levels, from daily living all the way to life guidance. Some help may be free; some may be part of a trade; and some you may have to pay for. Step one is to identify where you are struggling and see if there is a way to get assistance. Step two is then to seek the help. Step three of course is to accept it! Interestingly, the very asking can change things in good and surprising ways. Madame Olivia knows whereof she speaks.
Well, dear Aries, Madame Olivia has a thought for you. With both Neptune and little Chiron
(Did she say “Chignon”?)
in Pisces, the spirit of connectedness is very much in the air. Is there somebody out there for whom you have good feelings, like love, or fondness, or appreciation, who would relish hearing you express those good feelings? You are generally so positive and kind that this might not occur to you, but could there be a forgotten soul out there who needs your sunlight? In MOHO (Madame Olivia's Humble Opinion) now is an excellent time to look at this and take action. The recipient will love it, especially coming from you, plus your own Personal Joy Quotient will soar.
Verb of the day: wonder
Madame Olivia wishes you the best of the best and bids you adieu until we meet again.
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.