Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thurston Howell the Thursday, June 30, 2011. Happy birthday (We think) to Willam, who turns twenty-four today. And, to the rest of you, Happy Another Half A Year Shot To Hell.
We do so love to spread good cheer.
We attempted to wish you all a Happy Hump Day yesterday, but We were overcome with a fit of ennui. Meanwhile, Happy Over The Hump Day doesn’t seem at all the same thing.
To the extent that anything can fascinate Us this morning, We are fascinated by exactly how someone got referred to these pages from the site of the 2011 Rugby World Cup Store. (And no, We’re not making that up; a little GoogleBird told Us. (We’re SAYING “GoogleBird”, but We’re THINKING “DickyBird”, and, consequently, We’re having impure thoughts. (We just attempted to GoogleBird “DickyBird” on WikiBird, with most unsatisfactory results. Although Lady Bird Johnson is still dead.)))
You just know your day is gonna be total crap when the Celebrity Of The Day is Lady Bird Johnson.
Should We even waste the oxygen required to mention that Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Cancer video can be found right here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3cqsTuxavM ? Yeah, We didn’t think so.
Perhaps We should start the HorrorScope. Not that it will matter.
You can get more done than you think today (Well, since We are imagining accomplishing exactly nothing, that is probably true.)
— all those obstacles and distractions are illusory, (Yeah, it’s not like anyone returns Our phone calls or anything.)
or at least less potent than they appear at first. (So, wait…impotent people are going to distract Us? Greeeeaaattt.)
Abandon all fear (Except for fear itself.)
and move ahead quickly. (Alternatively, bang the drum slowly.)
(No, We have no idea.)
It’s all about strutting your very hot stuff right now (Oh, please.)
— your strength is bigger than ever and growing! (We haven’t showered yet. Give Us a break.)
Make sure nobody ignores you today. (And how exactly would you suggest We do THAT?)
Put on your boldest outfit, laugh your loudest laugh and flash your brightest smile. (In other words, forget to take Our lithium.)
Do whatever it takes to stand out from the crowd and make a jaw-dropping impact. (That sounds like a lot of work.)
People are looking in your direction (Gawd help them.)
and wondering who you are (And, more to the point, who We THINK We are.)
and what you’re all about. (We are all about the Hokey-Pokey. That’s what it’s ALL about.)
Keep them guessing, (Just like Arlene Francis.)
(Dear Lord Jeebus, Arlene Francis AND Lady Bird Johnson?!? We might as well just go directly back to bed.)
and you’ll keep getting noticed. (But will We get nudists?)
You are feeling the urge to clean house (Oh. We thought that was gas.)
— on many levels! (We have two floors. We can only clean on one at a time. And of all the things We SHOULD be accomplishing today but aren’t, that’s at the top of the list. Or at the bottom. Depending on how it’s ordered. (We are so confused now.))
Spend extra time tidying up your living space, but when you’re all done, think about cleaning out some old emotional baggage, as well. (Ah, yes, Our emotional hatboxes, Our emotional steamer trunks, Our emotional portmanteaux. Catch a fox and put him in a box and never shag a ho.)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.