Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Winzdee, June 22, 2011. Happy birthday to Chris, who turns twenty-four today, and has already received, watched, and expressed gratitude for his Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Cancer video. Which can be found right here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3cqsTuxavM , for those of you who were nakedly skimming yesterday. And speaking of the rest of you, Happy Hump Day. The fact that it may NOT be your birthday doesn’t mean you need to deprive yourselves of the joys of Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Cancer video. Which can be found right here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3cqsTuxavM .
Apparently, there was some confusion about last month’s installment of Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope video. (Which can be found right here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBwdacfn2Vk ) To wit, some of you assumed that We were sharing a pretty blue link for you to look at and admire. Here’s the thing. We actually want you to CLICK on the link, GO to YouTube, WATCH Our video, CLICK the like button, and SHARE it with your friends.
Now, We realize that that sounds like a lot of work. But it’s nowhere near as much work as it was to wriggle into pantyhose during a heatwave to make the damn video in the first place. Also, We have included even more names in the Birthday Wishes section this time, so that if you have a friend with the same name and a Cancer birthday, you can forward Our video to them and claim you got Us to mention them by name specially. We’ll even back your lying ass up. Because that’s just the kind of full-service Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) We are.
Did that all sound vaguely familiar to you? As if you may have nakedly skimmed it only just yesterday? Well, that’s what you get for leaving Our poor Gemini video twisting in the wind with only four “Likes” on its sorry ass, two of them being Our Own and Our assless-chapped director’s.
We may have just given Ourselves the vapors.
In other news, We realize that, in Our ascent to WorldWideInterWebNetzian superstardom, We have been neglecting recently to keep you abreast of Himself’s pathetic activities. When last heard from, he was still fast abed, having actual dreams about shoveling snow, poor sod. (And We’re NOT making that up.) He wore himself out last night, poor thing, first in a rehearsal in which he pretended to act, and then in a fit of lesbionics in which he attempted to change the battery in the thermostat. Why something that is already plugged into the wall should have to run on batteries was quite beyond both of Us, and why One should have to tear said apparatus bodily off of the wall to insert said batteries is a mystery on the order of Cleopatra’s pussy, but tear it off he did, in approved lesbionic fashion, so Our air remains conditioned this morning.
Most of you are no doubt wondering what the hell Cleopatra’s pussy had to do with the preceding paragraph. The nakedly skimming str8 bois, meanwhile, are waxing their carrots. While We do enjoy throwing the str8 bois a bone, and while We also enjoy the str8 bois throwing a bone, We hasten to point out that both Cleopatra and her pussy have been dead for two thousand years, and you’re kind of freaking Us out right now. KThxBye.
Has it really been five whole paragraphs since We mentioned Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Cancer video? Which can be found right here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3cqsTuxavM ? We must be slipping. Or slippery. Or wearing a slip. One of those.
The str8 bois are now picturing Us in Our slip, and have started banging the bishop yet again. Go, str8 bois, it’s your birthday.
And, before We begin the HorrorScope Proper, a big shout-out to all Our Denmarksian fans (Denmarkers?), who have just successfully used their English-Denmarkonian dictionaries to puzzle out what the hell is Cleopatra’s pussy, and are now chortling in approved Demmarkesian fashion into their lutefisk.
It just this minute occurred to Us that We had not yet chosen an Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Justin Timberlake, so We attempted to do so. Google thwarted Us in Our efforts, for some reason. Poop.
Your dreams are making more sense today, (Did We mention the snow shoveling?)
so pay attention to the details. (Because the devil is in the details. Or in the blue dress. One of those.)
You may pick up on a few clues as to what you should do next with your life, (We first read that, rather quickly, as “…what you should do with your next life.” We intend to be reincarnated as Johnny Depp’s underwear.)
or how to approach that one difficult person. (How optimistic of you to imagine that there’s only one. Asshat.)
You have all the energy you need to make people stand up and take notice today — so use it. (But then wherever shall We get replacement energy?)
Whether you push for your own ideas or for the causes that other people hold dear, (Who are you calling “dear”, Ducks?)
there is no denying that you can easily make skeptics sympathize with your point of view better than ever right now. (When you’re this far down, the only point of view is up.)
And if you need them to donate their time or their money, you can persuade them. (Really? Someone’s going to donate money? Let Us just hold Our breath while We wait for THAT to happen.)
If you just start talking, the words will come; (And if you say “Cleopatra’s pussy”, the str8 bois will come.)
you don’t need to worry about coming up with a plan or a script to follow. (God forbid.)
So you’re not partnered with two kids and a mate who thinks you’re an angel. (Thank CHRIST!)
Who cares? (Thank CHRIST and, also, who cares?)
Just because real life hasn’t caught up with your romantic fantasies, (So the Denmarkian Olympic Men’s Swim Team is NOT coming over for dinner?)
that doesn’t mean you need to freak out. (DON’T TELL US WHAT TO DO!!!)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
Ignore the usual frustrations today and just relax. (The usual frustrations. How nice.)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.