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Sunday, June 12, 2011

And a time to every purpose under Heaven

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Sunday, June 12, 2011…or Monday, June 13, 2011…We’re not quite sure. Erix Daily Horoscope is about to go erratic and sporadic, possibly with a semi-automatic.  You see, on Friday, We had jury doody.  Which is, it would seem, One’s civic doody, although not, apparently, One’s Honda Civic doody. (Where Howdy Doody enters the pixture is as yet unclear to Us.)  Now, We know what you’re thinking.  (Oh, yes, We do; We’re psychic.)  You’re thinking, summer Friday, judges playing hooky, you’ll be in and out.  (Actually, the “in-and-out” part would be judges playing with hookers, but We undress.)  Indeed, the jocular Negress who is the Potential Jurist Wrangler all but indicated same.  “We’ll have you in and out,” sez she. Mmm-hmm.  Who was in the first panel of forty sent to a courtroom? Mmm-hmm. And who was the first jurist selected for said trial?  Mmm-hmm.  And did We mention that said trial (of Our patience, amongst other things) is to last EIGHT DAYS?  Mmm-hmm. Somebody owes Us a great deal of “in-and-out” for putting up with THIS doody.

Parenthetically, in the total absence of parentheses (because We have that power), Micro$oft Weird™ seems not to like “Negress” as a word.  It has no problem with “Negro”, or “Negros” (or, for that matter, “Negroes”); it also has no problem with “Jewess” (so it’s not a feminism thing) or “Largess” (so it’s not a fat-people thing) or “Princess” or “Nevertheless”.  So is “Negress” somehow racist?  And, if so, is it amazingly racist?  Inquiring minds want to know.

Also, if We’re going to be stuck in a room with total strangers for eight days, is it entirely out of the question to wish that We were not the second hottest person in the room?  Mind you, We are second-hottest only to an attorney who We suspect got Us into this mess, despite his big ol’ honking wedding ring, who flirted with Us through the entire selection process.  Here’s a hint, if you should ever find yourself in the position of trying to flirt with Us: We will be a lot more receptive to your overtures if you get Us OUT of jury doody instead of INTO it.  KThxBye.

But back to the matter at hand:  Happy birthday to David, who turns twenty-four tomorrow, and to Diane who, coincidentally, ALSO turns twenty-four tomorrow. Happy birthday also to an entirely different David, who turns some age way lower than twenty-four tomorrow, and, consequently, wouldn’t be fooled if We only said “David” once.  All of these people are wished Happy Birthday here:   , along with many others.  And you should all be passing this video along to your friends with Gemini birthdays, particularly if they have names that are wished happy birthday in the video, because how cool will you look then?  (Of course, you are apparently not cool enough to go to YouTube and click “Like”, so you need all the help you can get.)

But wait…there’s more!  Mail before midnight tonight and get a Ginsu steak knife shoved up your ass, and these HorrorScopes:

You feel the need to spend more time alone today (Yeah.  THAT’S what We need.  Himself, meanwhile, had a dream last night in which the WaitStaff was performing in his grandmother’s living room.  For a bunch of Chinese people who spoke no English.  Some old Chinawoman kept fucking with the lights.  Which were Christmas twinkle lights.  The moral of the story is apparently “don’t go to sleep.”)

— not that there is anything wrong with that. (Insert gay Uranus joke here.)

(Meanwhile, We did a random Nice Thing yesterday.  We’re still waiting to see how that comes back to bite Us in the ass.)

Find the space to think things through, mope or do whatever else you need to do privately. (We are going to spend the rest of the evening contemplating the word “mope”.)

A shocking situation might come to pass today (Like gas.)

but make no mistake: You are prepared for this. (We are a fucking Boy Scout.)

You’re always prepared, aren’t you? (Which is, of course, different from fucking a Boy Scout.  (Parenthetically (this time, with parentheses), when you mistype “fucking”, Micro$oft Weird™ really doesn’t help you.))

(We once slept in a tent (if you can imagine ) with a Boy Scout.  Nobody fucked anybody.  (Is there such a thing as an Altar Boy Scout?))

(Bless me, Father, for I have…HELLO, HOW ARE YA?)

Your unbeatable flexibility (And Our inflexible beatability?)

and positive state of mind (Jigga WUT?)

will come in handy yet again. (You mean “handjob”, yes?)

You should be proud of the way you’ve carried yourself in an increasingly stressful situation.  (We are proud,.  It is, of course, Pride Day.  We had rehearsal.  Film at eleven.)

 Don’t camouflage your status to save another person’s ego. (Leggo my ego.)

Do not let someone else’s insecurities force you to feel ashamed of where you are in life and what you have.  (We are nowhere, and We have nothing.  Shame, shame, shame.)

(To everything (shame, shame, shame) there is a season (shame, shame, shame)…)

A little relaxation and renewal makes you extra confident — so treat yourself to that massage, squeeze in a workout or take your flashiest threads to the cleaners. (She sews sequins by the seashore…)

You’re ready to get out there and meet people in no time. (Well, there’s no time like the presents. (Wait...there are presents?))

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes: )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.