Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Toothy, June 28, 2011. We are, once again, drinking green tea. Which is, once again, yellow. (We shall forgo the brown leaves today, yesterday’s California Dreamin’ having gone unappreciated.) It is a sort of Green Tea Experiment, if you will, based on the premise that fifty million Chinamen can’t be Wong.
Although actually, they probably can.
With a lead-in like that, it may occur to you that We have precious few pearls of wisdom to cast before you proverbial piggies today, and you would be correct. (You would also be astonished to learn that Micro$oft Weird™ denies the existence of the plural “piggies”, thereby forcing one to delineate the activities of each individual piggy, to wit, going to market, staying home, having roast beef, becoming a nun, and urinating all the way home, instead of just being able to say “many and varied activities were enjoyed today by all of the piggies”. Stupid Micro$oft Weird™.)
Piggies notwithstanding Knots Landing, Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Cancer video can be found right here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3cqsTuxavM .
Here is a random article about 30 television shows that didn’t make it: http://www.kennethinthe212.com/2011/06/30-forgotten-boob-tube-favorites.html Why doesn’t Bernadette Peters ALWAYS have her own TV show? Or, hell, her own network?
Did We formally announce in here yet that Himself is bringing The Wedding Consultant back for this year’s Philly Fringe Festival? The Fringe, being Fringey, as is its wont, sent a very Fringey questionnaire the other day, asking for info about the show. In a fit of Fringey whimsy, Himself had Iris Holcombe, the titular (heh) Wedding Consultant, fill it out her own self. Since the thing will never see the light of day anywhere else, We repurpose it here for your amusement:
PHILLY FRINGE VITAL STATS
Name: Iris Holcombe, Wedding Consultant
Age: A lady doesn’t tell, and a gentleman wouldn’t ask.
Where do you live now? The Main Line. (I daren’t be more specific; I don’t want to end up with paparazzi in my rose garden.)
Where were you born? In a hospital.
Did you go to college or grad school? Naturally. If so, where? Sarah Lawrence.
What's your show title? The Wedding Consultant…because it’s all about ME!
What was the first thing you stole? A teenaged boy’s heart. Out of a jar in my Daddy’s laboratory.
What's your favorite alcoholic beverage? Yes.
What was the last performance you saw? It was something Prince Harry did at the rehearsal dinner for his brother’s wedding, but I don’t think I should describe it in polite company.
What's your favorite Philly intersection? What newspaper is this interview for again?
If you were a "Founding Father," which one would you be and why? First of all, let me congratulate you on your proper usage of the subjunctive. The entire founding of this country would have been done much more quickly and efficiently had there been (subjunctively) Founding Mothers present. And I assure you that, had I been (subjunctively) present, I would have been the biggest Founding Mother of them all!
Who's your least favorite Founder? Is that one of those dreadful singing groups on that MTV that the children are all talking about?
Do you care about the Civil War Sesquicentennial? Only if a rogue spelling bee is going to suddenly break out around me.
What's the worst thing you ever did for money? Am I being paid for this interview?
Who's your favorite Phillies player? The one with the biggest bat. (You didn’t think I’d know anything about sports, did you?)
Do you have relatives more famous than you? No. Who are they? Nobody.
What's your least favorite country, and why? Oh, dear. I do try so very hard to be broad-minded…but I’d have to say, that country where the women have to dress all in black from head to toe. What is it, Iraq? Iman? I mean, what kind of wedding party can you have without bridesmaids’ dresses?
Do you know what the Internet is? No, my assistant does all the computer work. I can’t even program my BetaMax.
Do you own a gun? If so, have you fired it in anger? I decline to answer on the grounds that it may incriminate me. (One of my ex-husbands was a lawyer; he taught me that answer. (They never did find his body.))
Do you have pets? If so, what are their names? I’ve had three husbands, and I can’t even remember their names. I have no time to housebreak anything else.
If you weren't an artist, what would your job be? (alternatively, what is your job, if you're not a full-time artist?) I am a Wedding Consultant. Haven’t you been paying attention?
What's the most disgusting thing you've ever seen on SEPTA? Naturally, I personally have never been on SEPTA, but I have heard the servants discussing it from time to time, so I’m going to guess…poor people?
Herewith the HorrorScope:
Keep your communication short and sweet today (Fuck off.)
— there’s no need for you to get poetic or show off your style. (Good.)
If anything, most people ignore flourishes (Most people appear to be ignoring Us, period. )
(We just discovered that it’s raining. There goes Our plan to take up jogging.)
and just want to get the lowdown. (Is that what the kids are calling it these days?)
Are you prepared? (Yes. We know exactly how to rub two Boy Scouts together to start a fire.)
That might be a difficult question for you to answer right now, (Have Iris Holcombe answer it. That bitch knows everything.)
with so many things up in the air in your life. (Where’s all this up in the air, when We’re down in the depths on the ninetieth floor? (Kiss Us quick, We’re Cole Porter.))
If you’ve been waiting for things to slow down a bit, today it happens. (The only thing slower than this is death.)
You get the breathing room you need to get a grip on what’s going on around you. (There are two Boy Scouts; We’ve got two hands. Sounds like a plan.)
This organizational phase is your chance to rid yourself of things you don’t need anymore, so don’t be afraid to be ruthless. (But if We are ruthless, wouldn’t that mean that We had already gotten rid of Our ruth?)
It’s time for some serious spring-cleaning despite the season. (Hey, We say, if you’ve got dirty springs, clean ‘em; season be damned.)
(Also, We can see your dirty pillows.)
(Eve Plumb was weak.)
Getting to know someone is easier than you think on a day like today. (Unless, of course, you mean biblically.)
Give yourself more credit — you’re an interesting person with lots of good stories. (Indeed. We have Our Own Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopular) blog and everything. You should check it out. http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogpot.com …oh, wait…well, check out Our vlog instead: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3cqsTuxavM
Share more of yourself and you’re sure to get the attention you deserve. (Oh, see, now….)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.