Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thursday, June 02, 2011. It is unclear to Us how exactly We are expected to peddle a horoscope video when none of YouPeople will oblige Us by having birthdays. Really, is that too much to ask? Sure, you have to turn another year older, but, on the plus side, there’s cake. Jeebus.
Send link to all your friends.
Is that too much to ask? Well, IS IT???
In other news, We have been meaning to mention for some time that We now have fourteen followers on Google Blogspot. Which means that, in reality, We have twelve, because two of Our followers are Us. Which is not only existentially dicey, but also requires Us to see Ourself from behind. Which really doesn’t have another resulting thought, but We just wanted to annoy you by starting another sentence with “Which”. Our Twelve Apostles, as We shall henceforth refer to them, are half men and half women (We mean, of course, that there are six men and six women, not that We are being stalked by twelve hermaphrodites (although, if We (subjunctively) were, We would have the beginnings of a new series on Showtime)). They range in age from twenty-four to twenty-four, and they include one person whom We’ve never met, and one whom We’ve never met as an adult. Also, We’ve seen three of them naked.
You just never know what you’re going to learn when you drop by Erix Daily Horoscope, do you?
All of this hoo-ha is by way of distracting Ourself from the announcement of staggering proportions that We are thisclose to solidifying. Not to keep teasing you, or anything, but it will involve writing a press release. It may subsequently involve BELIEVING said press release. The tension, she mounts. Like a Mountie on a mountain in Montana.
We had, no doubt, other things to complain about, but We just had a lovely call from The Left Coast, so We’re just going to start the HorrorScope:
Details are hard to figure out right now (That’s because the devil is in them. Also, someone’s in the kitchen with Dinah. Who, to come full circle, apparently has kitchen detail, so mayhaps the devil is in there, as well. Strumming on the old banjo.)
(It’s not the heat, it’s the stupidity.)
— so see if you can just skip past them (To my loo?)
(Oh, come on now, fu(king Yank-centric Micro$oft Weird™! “Loo” is so too a word. If not for the loo, where would you poo? (Does anyone else feel another children’s book coming on?))
and work on the big picture. (Your metaphor, she is muddled. How can One work on a picture except for one brushstroke (or pixel) at a time? And what are brushstrokes (or pixels) but details? With or without the devil in them. Devil with a blue dress, blue dress, blue dress, devil with a blue dress on.)
(Good golly, Miss Molly.)
If you are forced to pore over spreadsheets or edit documents, (We were ejected from that particular circle of Hell, ThankYouVeryMuch.)
go slow and take lots of time. (Or go low and take tots of slime. You’re more likely to make a name for yourself that way. Which is great, as long as you don’t mind the name being “JackAss”.)
Making a sacrifice doesn’t have to feel like a loss (Tell that to the dead virgin.)
… keep that fact in mind today when someone asks you to give something up for their sake. (We shall tell them We have given up sacrifice. (Then We shall sneak up behind them and kill their goat. That’ll show ‘em. (we shall just assume (thereby making an ass of Uma Thurman) that it is a virgin goat; We certainly didn’t fu(k it.)))
(Yes, ladies and genitals, once again We have stooped to goatfucking jokes. (Presumably, One would HAVE to stoop to fu(k a goat. At least a little. After all, goats aren’t very tall. Unlike llamas. Or camels. (How on earth would One ever hump a camel? (Even once, let alone twice. (One hump or two? (The Dromedary Conundrum…new erotic fiction from Erica Jong.))))))
(But We digress.)
This small gesture on your part (We gotcher “gesture” right here!)
could make a huge difference for this other person, and could earn you immense and long-lasting brownie points. (Mmmm….brownies. (Although actually, if We’re having dessert, We’d much prefer a Boy Scout.))
(Are Girl Scout Cookies made with actual Girl Scouts?)
You might even be grateful for the opportunity to do this (Does this “this” have an antecedent? We can’t be arsed to go back and look.)
— it’s up to you whether or not you let this fact be known, though. (Chrysanthemum’s the word, then.)
(And here all of YouPeople thought “Grease” was the word.)
But even if it isn’t ideal, you should do it. (How the hell many sentences back would We have to go to figger out what “it” and “this” refer to? We suspect there aren’t enough breadcrumbs in the world to help Us find Our way back here.)
Your perceptive side helps you pick up information from people without them having to say a word. (Which comes in handy when they don’t return Our phone calls, emails, texts, or smoke signals.)
(Which was another sentence that started with “Which”. Which makes how many now?)
This skill comes in handy when you need to decode the actions of someone new, so stay alert! (Also, be prepared. Which (heh) is, of course, the Boy Scout motto. (Although it’s certainly not what the Boy Scout said the last time We ate one.))
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.