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Monday, June 6, 2011

Indian Lake is a scene you should make with your little one

Hello, Ducks! (Heh.  See what We did there?  (No?  Really?  Have some more coffee.  Now, look closely at today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Dom Deluise Sebastian Cabot Victor Buono.  See?))

Hello, Ducks! (We kill Us.)

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, June 06, 2011.  Happy birthday to Bill, who turns twenty-four today.  He is one of three Bills to whom “Happy Birthday” is wished here: if you happen to be of a mind to go and watch, and click “like”, and mark it as a favorite, and share it with all your friends.  Especially those who happen to be having Gemini birthdays.  For example, if YOU have a friend named Bill who is having a birthday this month, you could send him this video, and tell him that you arranged with Us specially to wish him a happy birthday, and only you and We would know that you are a big fat liar who’s trying to weasel out of buying poor Bill a damn birthday present.  Cheap wanker.

Also, Happy D-Day to all you stutterers out there.  (We just got into the time machine, ignored the dust on the credenza, and went all the way back to last year, where We discovered that We have already used that joke.  We are not, however, allowing that to cause Us to delete it, as that might deprive new readers of a chuckle. (We are torn, at this juncture, between two digressions.  One involves “Chuckle” as a diminutive of “Chuck”.  The other involves a neologism (heh…We said “gism”) called “fuckle”.  Being thus stymied and flummoxed (and We could use a good flummoxing), We shall solve Our conundrum by pursuing neither.))

Here’s a question for Our newer readers:  if you joined Us after We entered Bloggonia (in January 2010), do you ever go back and read old installments? Chronologically or randomly?  Do you ever click on the celebrity Labels?  Inquiring minds want to know.  Leave Us a comment.

And now, the moment you’ve all been baiting your breath for (eeeuuuwww!).  We have been promising you a big announcement; well, here it is:  Himself’s acclaimed one-man show, The Wedding Consultant, will be returning to the boards for this year’s Philly Fringe Festival, beginning September 2nd, at the Walnut Street Theater Studio 3.  We shall really need to rally the troops to turn this into a success (and, ultimately, to give the show some sort of extended life with fiscal benefits), so We trust that We can count on all of your support.  And those of you who are farther flung than Our very Own backyard might want to start thinking about how the show (which will be designed to tour) can come to A Theater Near You.

In still other news, lest you think We rest on Our ever-expanding laurels, We are also hard at work on the next installment of Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope.  You lucky, lucky people!

But first things worst: TODAY’S HorrorScope:

Physical exercise should be on your mind today, (Oh, indeed.  As soon as We finish here, We intend to lie down and think about jumping jacks for a good half hour. (Now We’ve distracted Ourself by trying to think of people named Jack that We could jump.  Sigh.))

so see if you can get down to the gym, (Well, let’s not go crazy.)

or at least take a long walk at lunchtime. (Why? How far away is the restaurant?)

If you can make it a part of your daily routine, so much the better!  (Also, a bit of butter makes the bitter batter better. (Although how rubbing a baseball player with butter could be anything but distracting, We haven’t got any idea.  (And what made him so bitter in the first place?  Inquiring minds want to know.)))

Cool, calm and collected beats frantic, hyper and bombastic any day of the week, (See, you had Us right up to “bombastic”. Because NOTHING beats bombastic.)

(NOTHING, goddammittt!!!)

(Heh. See what We did there?)

so keep yourself from veering off on anything emotionally-fueled when you communicate. (We are 100% caffeine-fueled, ThankYouVeryMuch.)

State your case clearly, and you will have real facts to stand upon, not just heart-felt conviction. (Paul Revere and the Raiders sang “Cherokee People” with an all-bell accompaniment to warn the British that some Republicant idiot was coming.)

(Clear enough?)

This rise in your intellectualism will help increase and hone your mental energy — you’ll be thinking quickly and wowing powerful people left and right with your agile arguments.  (Ah, yes, the old “agile arguments” ploy.  Which only narrowly eclipses the “fragile farguments” ploy, mainly because nobody knows what the hell is a fargument.)

Your life feels like an action flick today, (Yesterday, it felt like a chick flick.  The day before that, it was a chicks-with-dicks flick.  Early last week, it was My Friend Flicka.  We are a cinematic smorgasbord.)

with you as the star! (Naturellement.)

(That was a little Frawnch there.  We don’t actually speak Frawnch, but We know a few words here and there.  Mainly from reading Agatha Christie.)

(We are so classy. )

Try to find someone who can keep up with you, (Good luck with that.)

then challenge them to top you (Exsqueeze me?)

in finding adventure. (Oh.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes: )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.