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Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Roll Over Beethoven, dig these rhythm and blues.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wednesday, June 08, 2011.  Happy birthday to Candace, and Kenneth, and Nathan, all of whom, coincidentally, turn twenty-four today.  Back in The Day (Doris?  Morris?  Dennis?  Lynda George?), they might have been reading this, as We would have included it in Our SitOnMyFaceBook birthday wishes.  Now, however, We are including Our video instead.  The diapers, they are a changin’. (Bob Dylan obviously had a much better editor than We do.)

Speaking of Our video, We are shocked, SHOCKED, We tell you, not to have received a single inquiry regarding Our nail polish.  Which is called “Rock the Night Away”, since you didn’t ask.  You’re welcome.

We are all excited anew about Our video, as We shot another episode yesterday.  (Two episodes, actually, for those who love their behind-the-scenes glimpses of the inner workings of Erix Daily Horoscope.) And We have decided that what Our real life is missing is a director.  Also, that Our entire life should be a movie.  Except when We are pooping.

Said video, (Not the one We shot yesterday…We are not a miracle worker (WAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!)) as We are about to change the subject, is here:

Also, Happy Hump Day to all the rest of you.  Especially the newbs…there may be some about-to-college-graduates in da house.  Of course, every day is Hump Day for that lot.  Because, as We all know, what does the in-the-know college graduate wear under the gown of his cap and gown?  A sophomore.

Meanwhile, We are knee-deep in preparations for La Festivale de Fringé.  (“Fringé”, in this instance, is, of course, pronounced “Frawn—ZHAY”.  Because We’re classy like that.)  Paperwork to be filled out, contracts to sign, checks to write, advertising to create, and all by Friday.  Of course, then they leave Us alone for two months, to create Our art.  It’s a good thing The Rapture was rescheduled for October instead of September; We’d hate to lose Our entire investment just because the world ended.

That being the sum total of what We know (and is it just Us, or is “sum total” a redundant repetition?), herewith Le Scope du Horreur (“Horreur”, in this instance, is, of course, pronounced “whore”.  Because We can do that.):

Today is all about service, (Coincidentally, We just got done saying “whore”.  How  ‘bout dat?)

and you need to make sure that you’re helping the right people. (It is Hump Day, after all.)

Customers at work are a good start, (WHORE!)

but you may also want to lend aid to the needy in your community.  (And what exactly are these “needy” gonna leave on the nightstand?  Just Our luck, We finally become a whore and don’t read the fine print in Our contract, and suddenly We’re a whore for the homeless.  Ya know, if ya give it away, you’re not a whore, you’re a slut.)

(We mistyped “whore” in that last bit, and Micro$oft Weird™ gave Us spelling suggestions.  None of which, oddly enough, was “whore”  The closest it got was “who’re”.  Which is, presumably, an Irish whore.)

 Don’t let anything go out the door without double-checking it first. (Don’t let the screen door hitcha where the Good Lord splitcha.)

Little details must be caught, (But enough about prostitution.  Let’s get off the whores, and give someone else a chance.)

(All We are say-ing…is give penis a chance.)

and you’re in the perfect frame of mind to catch them. (If you framed Our mind right now, you would see a naked albino riding a polar bear in a blizzard.)

Use your insightfulness (Ah, yes, Our insightfulness.  In the Land of the Blind, the one-eyed trouser snake is a much bigger surprise when it goes up the back of your dress.)

(You Yanks and your colorful sayings.)

 to stop friends or family members from taking things a little bit too far — a diplomatic word here or there will save them some embarrassment. (Alternatively, they could wind up on reality television.)

You’re a valuable part of any team you are in.  (Don’t’cha just hate people who say, “There’s no “I” in team”?  We like to tell them, “There’s no “I” in “asshole”, either…that’s all U.”)

To make sure you’re used as much as possible, (How’d We get back to whoring again?)

speak up and raise your hand. (It may be a long time since We got laid, but We’re pretty sure it’s got precious little to do with raising your hand.)

It’s party time — right? (Or at least Miller™ time.  But hopefully not Arthur Miller time.   Because that?  Would be boring.)

Though you may have a few hot options, (And more than a few Hot Pockets™…have you SEEN Our ass lately?)

you need to keep your life in balance today. (Was that a fat joke?)

Take it easy (“Easy” is Our middle name. Unfortunately, Our last name is “BakeOven”.)

(With those two words conjoined like that, was anyone else thinking “Roll over, BakeOven”?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

when it comes to love and try not to overdo it in any one direction. (Or on any one erection.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes: )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.