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Saturday, June 18, 2011

It’s like We’re losing Our minds

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Saturday, June 18, 2011.  Oh, my dears.  A SATURDAY Erix Daily Horoscope.  Surely a sign of the Apocalypse…or the Hypotenuse…We always get those two confused.  So didja miss Us?  (We are going to be boldly optimistic and take the cacophony of crickets as a resounding “Yes”.)  We missed you, too. Although We tried desperately to keep up with birthday wishes on the SitOnMyFaceBook, one or two significant events did manage to slip through Our crack.  For example, Tuesday, June 14th was Fag Day.  So Happy Belated Fag Day to everyone.  Although, as Our religious friends (which is totally different, it just occurred to Us, than Our religious Friends, which would mean Quakers  (You know, the Oats people)) would have Us understand, God Hates Flags.  Now, it may come as a surprise to some of you that We Our Own Self Personally had a quite extensive religious education in Our remote youth, and We are hard-pressed to believe that God hates anyone, with the possible exception of that woman on the Progressive Insurance commercials, but who are We to judge?  After all, as it says in the Bible, “Judge everybody else quick, before they get a chance to judge you.”  Or something like that.

Wednesday, June 15th, in addition to being Hump Day, which We imagine you all enjoyed, as usual, without Us, was also the twenty-fourth birthday of Our latest future ex-husband, Mister Neil Patrick Harris.  Imagine how desolated We were to discover that his contact information had somehow found its way out of Our Rolodex™, and that We were unable to send him birthday regards.  We trust that one of YouPeople who knows one of Neil Patrick Harris’s people will see that this little video makes its way to him:    . KThxBye.

Thursday, June 16th, meanwhile, was Our Sistah Ovella and her husband Teddy-Jay’s twenty-third weddin’ anniversary.  Hence today’s matrimonially-themed Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Here Comes The Bridal Party All Dressed In Dresses They Hate Which Were Chosen To Accommodate The Requisite Fat Cousin Amongst Their Number. So Happy Twenty-Third Weddin’ Anniversary to Ovella and Teddy Jay.  Oddly enough (twenty-three being an odd number (although One wouldn’t say “primely enough”, even though it is also a prime number  (and One wouldn’t say “primly enough” in any sentence that also contains the word “Ovella”  (Hi, Ovella! (Sorry; We appear to have digressed digressively in mid-digression))))), Ovella’s twenty-third weddin’ anniversary will be followed by her twenty-fourth birthday, which will be followed by her twenty-fourth weddin’ anniversary, which will be followed by her twenty-fourth birthday.  A time machine is a truly amazing thing.  Not, perhaps, quite as amazing as a vacuum cleaner with really good suction, but pretty amazing nonetheless.

Does anyone else occasionally type random incorrect homonyms?  For example, in the preceding, We initially typed “followed buy her twenty-fourth birthday.”  What is WRONG with Us?

You will notice that We have avoided (thus far) complaining about jury doody.  Which We have been on all week, and must return to Monday for closing arguments and deliberation.  Somehow We just know We are going to be All Twelve Angry Men, and that We shall represent the sole dissenting opinion amongst the flotsam and jetsam of humanity that comprises these people’s peers.  Sigh.  It was also not exactly a ray of sunshine when, in mid-doody this week, We received a horoscope that said, “You have had just about all the fun you can stand.”

On the other hand, We are enjoying saying “doody”.

And now, the thing you’ve been missing most of all, Neil Patrick Harris naked…er, The HorrorScope:

You should get all the help you can use today (Unless there are all of a sudden door-to-door psychiatrists, WE doubt that.)

(We have just this very morning learned that, over the years, We have known three totally unrelated people who have all lived in the exact same apartment at one time or another.  What are the odds?  And how can We translate that fact to a winning PowerBall™ ticket?)

— even from some surprising sources. (Some surprising sources of sibilant esses, sarsaparilla swiller.)

(Meanwhile, We actually spelled “sarsaparilla” correctly on the first try, but Micro$oft Weird™ is objecting to the word “swiller”.  Clearly, it has never heard of the comedy team of Jerry Swiller and Golda Meir.)

It’s a good time to call in favors (Does that include sexual favors?  Because, yes, please.)

and generally ask for assistance. (Which is different than asking a general for assistance.  With his privates.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

It’s not a sign of weakness — far from it!  (Fart vomit!)

(No.  We have no idea.)

 Powerful personalities are pushing (The next word should start with P, also.  But it doesn’tt.  Yet another of life’s disappointments.)

hard to reach their objectives right now, and you may find yourself caught up in a battle to attain someone else’s goal. (Good thing We’ve already been talking to that general and his privates, then.)

Think hard (We generally (heh) do.)

before letting yourself be enlisted. (What is with this army motif today?)

Focus on what you want to accomplish, and if it doesn’t align with what this person is suggesting, then go ahead and say, ‘thanks but no thanks.’ (Or say, “Franks but no Spanx™, and pretend it’s not a fat joke.)

You have to put all your energy into your own life and your own dreams. (That sounds like a lot of work.)

Let others do the same for themselves.  (Who are these “others”, and why do you imagine that We care?)

What do you care most deeply about? (Us Our Own Self Personally.  Have you been paying NO attention whatsoever?)

The odds are good that there are others near you who care about the same things.  (Not so’s you’d notice.)

Finding like-minded people (Or, for that matter, ANY-minded people.)

 is a great way to beef (Heh.  We would make a Clara Peller joke, but We’d be dating Ourself.  (Of course, SOMEone has to.))

up your social network.  (We loved that movie. (Jesse Eisenberg, if you’re reading this, please bring Us Neil Patrick Harris’s phone number.  Preferably tattooed on your inner thigh.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes: )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.