Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thursday, June 09, 2011. Happy birthday to Sharon, who turns twenty-four today. Sharon was actually in the show in which Starzina made her first public appearance (somehow, We have slipped from The Royal We the whole way into The Third Person (leaving that Third Person weak and begging for more)). Oddly enough, she was twenty-four then, as well. As were We. Where is the time machine? It’s in the credenza. Where is the credenza? In the time machine. Happy birthday also to Doug, who, by odd coincidence also turns twenty-four today. We suspect that he no longer reads these horoscopes, but on the off chance that We are wrong (and We THOUGHT We were wrong once but We were mistaken), Doug, if you actually ARE reading this, let Us know, and We will eat this vegan. (One’s mind is currently off on a digression involving vegan cannibals starving to death…We hate when Our mind wanders off without Us. Particularly when We keep doing things while it’s gone. Oh, look…it’s back!) Also happy also birthday to Dawn also, who also turns twenty-four today too.
And last, but certainly by no means least, happy birthday to my future ex-husband, Johnny Depp. (Call me; We’ll have cake.)
And, as there will be no installment of Erix Daily Horoscope tomorrow (We would tell you why, but then We would have to kill you…suffice it to say, it should make for a scintillating episode on Monday), happy birthday in advance to Kevin, who turns twenty-four tomorrow, and to Bill, who turns twenty-four on Saturday. Both Kevin and Bill, and any number of other people, are wished happy birthday here as well: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBwdacfn2Vk Have you passed this video along to any of your friends with Gemini birthdays yet?
If you’ve been waiting for a good time (And who hasn’t?)
to get started on something, (And now We have that wretched Michael Jackson song stuck in Our head(s)….thanks, Kelli. Asshat.)
now is the time to go for it! (Well, indeed. Because One can never have enough it.)
Your energy is just right for new beginnings, (Our energy at this point would barely power a bunny.)
(We would like to imagine “power a bunny” as a positively filthy euphemism for something, but We are hard-pressed to imagine what.)
even if you have to constrain yourself somewhat to compromise. (Well, isn’t THAT just a nasty, nasty clause?)
Stop thinking and start feeling. (Also, stop stinking and start peeling. Stop blinking and start congealing. Stop Ann Reinking and start Ian Ziering. (It’s a multiple choice testicles. (Those of you who are now pondering Ian Ziering’s testicles, go to the head (heh) of the class.)))
Today try to let your guard down (We have a guard now?)
and share more of your inner self (How revolting!)
with people who are relatively new in your life. (What about people who are relatively nude in Our life? (Clearly, they are way too few and Farby Tween. We shall have to develop a list of The New Who Need To Be Nude. (Is it just Us, or should that sentence have had a gnu in it?)))
(Micro$oft Weird™ is suggesting that We might want to change “gnu” to “gun”. It’s a hell of a morning, when Micro$oft Weird™ is funnier than We are. Is that a gun in your sentence, or are you just happy to see gnu?)
Too much logic isn’t a good thing (But it does not necessarily follow (QED) that too little logic is a bad thing.)
— your mind needs to connect with someone else’s in a way that no science can quantify or describe. (Too late…Our mind is on safari. Be vewy, vewy quiet…We are hunting wombats.)
Leading with your heart could get you into awkward, but genuine, situations. (Leading with your pancreas, however, can only be done by experts with years of training.)
And those don’t come around too often, do they? (Experts with years of training? Well, no. No, they don’t. It takes…well, YEARS. Fucktard.)
Make the most of an unexpected opportunity. (Get a load of opportunity’s knockers.)
Some think you’re a little oblivious from time to time, (Sorry…what?)
but they’re surprised by your powers of observation today. (Then they probably see what We did there, eh?)
It’s quite useful when it comes to matters of the heart, too. (To say nothing of the pancreas. Also the uvula, the frenulum, and Ian Ziering’s left testicle.)
See what you can see, but do so quietly. (Okay. Ian Ziering: turn your head and cough.)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.