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Friday, June 24, 2011

Batman is here and the joke is on you

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Frydee, June 24, 2011.  So (almost) no one got back to Us after yesterday’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Tina Yothers You Only THOUGHT We Were Going To Say Justine Bateman to tell Us what your Batman name turned out to be.  So We’re just going to guess that it was Adam West. Except for those for whom it turned out to be Burt Ward’s Penis.

The remainder of today’s horoscope is going to be like one of those exercises where someone tells you not to think about penguins, and then all you can think about is penguins.  Except YouAll will be thinking about Burt Ward’s Penis.  (On the plus side, speaking of penguins, it could be worse; We COULD have said “Burgess Meredith’s Penis”.)

Is it just Us, or are We in the midst of a serious dearth of birthdays?  A birthday dearth, if you will.  (Or even if you won’t.  What makes you think it’s all about YOU?)  It seems like forever since We’ve wished more than one person a happy twenty-fourth.  Which may explain the infuriating lack of attention being paid to Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Cancer video.  Which can be found right here  .  We’re not even going to mention the “Like” button any more, as YouPeople obviously cannot even find Uranus with both hands.

In still more self-referential news, it has been amusing Us of late, as We have mentioned previously in these pages, to peek at Our Google Bloggonian statistics.  We are currently being captivated by the list of OLD entries that people choose to look at at any given time; every day, some not-insignificant number of obviously highly intelligent denizens of the WorldWideInterWebNetz are poring over pearls of wisdom that We cast before YouSwine in 2010.  In case this amuses you as much as it amuses Us (not that We care, mind you), herewith the Top Ten Most Viewed Erix Daily Horoscopes Of All Time (“All Time” being, of course a relative term, Our entry into Bloggonia having only occurred in January 2010):

Jan 2, 2011
172 Pageviews
May 19, 2011, 4 comments
102 Pageviews
May 19, 2011, 1 comment
102 Pageviews
Jan 7, 2011, 3 comments
98 Pageviews
Jan 11, 2011
91 Pageviews
May 17, 2011, 7 comments
81 Pageviews
Nov 15, 2010
79 Pageviews
May 6, 2011, 2 comments
74 Pageviews
Oct 28, 2010, 2 comments
70 Pageviews
Nov 22, 2010, 5 comments
69 Pageviews

With that, We now present The HorrorScope.  In Smell-O-Vision™.

You’re the spark that fires up the creative engine today (Please don’t say “fire”…We damn near burned OurHouseWhereWeLive down yesterday.   We were broiling Our chicken (did that sound dirty to you?  Because it sounded dirty to Us, and We know that all We were doing was broiling Our chicken) and minding Our Own Bidness when the frickin’ chicken burst into flames!  Extra crispy, don’t’cha know.  Unfortunately, We were quickly able to subdue the resulting inferno.  (We say “unfortunately” because firemen are HAWTT.))

(Is becoming accident-prone a symptom of menopause?)

— so get things started as early as you can. (Let’s get this potty stotted.)
Your people (If We have “people”, why do We have to broil Our Own frickin’ chicken?  (That STILL sounds dirty. Dammit, it’s only poultry, people.  Paltry poultry at that.))

are waiting for you to say the word or propose a new plan, and you’re destined for success.  (We are also, unfortunately, suctioned to distress.)

The way you respect other people’s privacy is admirable, (If ya think THAT’S admirable, you should see the way We respect other people’s privates.)

but it could be limiting your opportunities. (To say nothing of your opportunities’ knockers.)

(Burt Ward’s Penis.)

Don’t be afraid to talk to the people around you about getting what you want — they’re there to help you get things started. (Could those things possibly NOT include kitchen fires?)

Managing your finances should be at the top of your to-do list today, (Lovely.  As soon as We’re through here, We’ll go rub Our two nickels together.  (THAT sounds dirty, too.  Gawd, YouPeople have dirty minds.  It’s a good thing Burt Ward’s Penis.))

 and you can get some fresh ideas from some surprising sources. (Burt Ward’s Penis for the win!)

Now that you have a clear financial goal in mind, (Winning PowerBall™.  Hey, We’re viZZZualizing it.)

you’re ready to tighten your belt a bit. (Was that a fat joke?)

 If you’ve been all talk and no action lately, (Actually, We’ve been busy being all caulk and no traction.  It’s kind of a niche market, but We want to be prepared when it blows up.)


start practicing what you  preach to set a good example. (We are an EXCELLENT example.  We’re just not sure of WHAT.)

People appreciate your dedication to keeping it real.  (In Our experience, people are far more appreciative of Our penchant for keeping it imaginary.)

(Maybe if We stick this here, you will click on it.  Or maybe Burt Ward’s Penis.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes: )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.