So sweet and soft and gentle, my favorite Oriental

Greetings, Elderly Roué Ingests Cialis™---

(No, We did NOT mean “Calais”.  Get with the program, Micro$oft Weird™.)

Here is your horoscope for Monday, November 15, 2010 (Happy belated birthday to OurShaun, who turned twenty-four yesterday.  And happy birthday to Becky, who turns twenty-four today.  And happy birthday in advance in case We are not here tomorrow to Our brother-in-law, Teddy-Jay, who turns twenty-four tomorrow.  (That’s seventy-two, between all y’all.)):

(Here is a little tip for any of y’all who may be users of online dating services:  if the best profile picture you can come up with depicts (presumably) you, clad from head to toe in camouflage, with a black ski mask obscuring your entire face as you crouch behind several oil barrels while pointing a semi-automatic weapon off into the distance?  We are not going to date you.  No matter how much you beg.  KThxBye.)

(Meanwhile, if you’ve studied today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Moo Goo Gai Pan Egg Foo Yung Cream Of Sum Yung Gai Wang Hung Lo No Tickee No Washee carefully, you have probably discovered what We will be giving everyone for Christmas.  Sorry to have spoiled THAT surprise.)

 (Our-O-Scopes:)

You're right (Thus endeth today’s horoscope.)

where you want to be, and it's no accident. (Why, oh, why, oh, why did you feel compelled to keep talking?)

So if your first impulse is to thank others, (Actually, Our first impulse is to shank others, but shhhh…it’s a surprise.)

or write the whole thing off to blind luck, (Hey, it’s a new week.  Let’s try something different…let’s see what happens if We write the whole thing off to Peking duck.)

(We have always felt that, in keeping with Our usage of The Royal (Capitalized) We, “let’s” should be written as “let’S”, being as it is short, of course, for “lettuce”.  Unfortunately, We are too often thwarted by the evils of autocorrection, so We have had to abandon this particular affectation. (Just a little insight into the difficulties of being Us.))

(We cannot even express Our consternation over the fact that Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t recognize  “autocorrection”.)

resist it. (Sister.)

Consciously or not, (ZZZZzzzzz….sorry; what?)

you made this happen, (Also, you made me love you…I didn’t wanna do it, I didn’t wanna do it.  (Oddly, if One changes that to The Royal We (to wit, “you made Us love you…We didn’t wanna do it, We didn’t wanna do it…”), it sounds less like The Royal We and more like Siamese twins.  (All y’all who are now pixturing Siamese twin porn, go wash your minds out with soap.))

so give yourself a little treat (Honey, if We could give Our Own Self “a little treat”, We’d never leave the house. (Although, if Our only option is dating Magilla Guerilla, We may just stay home anyway.))

-- a day at the spa, maybe?  (We’re working on an “herbal wrap” joke to go here.  We’ll let you know when it’s funny.)

Going overboard won't help your present situation. (And yet, “underboard” doesn’t seem to be a word.  Is puzzlement.)

In other words, (Zither.  Magnanimous.  Polystyrene.  Glum.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?  (Or are you still stuck on “resist it, sister” and “Magilla Guerilla”?  (And now, Remedial Erix Daily Horoscope… with fifty-seven percent more pixtures!)))

 if you're being tugged in several directions, remember that cloning hasn't been perfected yet. (Oh, please.  We’re lucky if We can sort out clothing.)

Pick someone to focus on.   (Alternatively, poke someone with ficus on.)

 Tapping, twitching and fiddling won't help. (Crapping, bitching, and diddling, on the other hand, sound like the perfect way to spend the afternoon.)

You know why you're antsy, and there's only one remedy for it. (Yes, but you’re not going to trick Us into setting Our pubes on fire AGAIN.  Fool Us once…)

Get the deed done.  (Scr3w that….get the will read.)

What you'll really be in the mood for is your couch, your bathrobe and your favorite movie in the DVD player. (We just realized We have yet to name a celebrity in here today.  Heather Locklear.  Millard Fillmore.  Percy Faith.)

Don't give in to that urge until tonight.  (Don’t tell Us what to do.  Bitch.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )