I will follow him, follow him wherever he may go

                                         

Greetings, Eccentric Roué Imbibes Chyme---

Here is your horoscope for Monday, November 01, 2010  (November, poppets!  We trust you enjoyed each and every one of your Hallowed Wieners, because it is now, of course, All Saints’ Day.  Which is followed, as Gladys Knight Doris Day, by All Souls’ Day, All Saints’ Souls Day, and All Saints Wearing Mink Stoles Day.  (Remind Us to count that as a mention of Mink Stole when We index this, so that, when those who do a first glance at who’s mentioned in today’s Erix Daily Horoscope see Gladys Knight, Doris Day, and Mink Stole, they can sing “One of these things is not like the others…”)  Yes, We are well and truly into the Fourth Quarter, which consists, as you know, of October, November, and Dismember.  Not to be confused with the French Quarter, which consists of Bourbon Street and its environs, and is a really good time. (If anyone is feeling generous, and would like to treat Us to an all-expense-paid trip to the French Quarter, We’d be externally crateful.)):

(Didja know that, if you are a really poor typist like Our Own Self, and you muddle up the spacing of things a lot, “an all” (as in “an all-expense-paid”) can quickly become “anal l”. Much like when str8 bois get drunk and miss.)

(Oh, The Funny, We bringz it.  Not, of course, as funny as Friday, what with Myrna Loy’s crack and Ethel Merman’s ballz, but funny nonetheless.  (Is the fact that “nonetheless” appears in the same sentence as “ethel” making anyone else parse it as “non-ethel-ess”?   Just Us?  Alrighty, then.  Apparently, they held an entire rally, but Our Own Personal sanity was not restored.))

(Meanwhile, We have been remiss for several weeks in not welcoming new reader Chris, who is not only reading this drivel, but is actually Our newest Follower on Google Reader. Yes, indeedy-doo, ladies and genitals, We have FOLLOWERS.  And the unique thing about this particular follower is that he is not even someone that We Our Own Selves coerced, as We’re not entirely sure how he got here. So, if anyone can enlighten Us, please do.  (Parenthetically, if you haven’t tried out Google Reader yet, We highly recommend it.  It’s like the WorldWideInterWebNetz, turned into a personalized magazine just for you. (Interparenthetically, if you enlighten someone by telling them stuff, if you keep stuff a secret, are you endarkening them?)))

(Other than several things which it appears not to think are words (“WWIWN”, “interparenthetically”, etc.), Micro$oft Weird’s biggest complaint about the preceding paragraph is that “ladies” in the phrase “Yes, indeedy-doo, ladies and genitals..” should be changed to either “women” or “people”.   We are now trying to imagine, say, James Joyce, writing, say, Ulysses with Micro$oft Weird™.  We are, how-you-say, failing.)

 (Our-O-Scopes:)

You're a combination accountant, strategist and political advisor at the moment. (Hmph.  We were SO hoping for combination acrobat, contortionist, and sword swallower, but then, We’re funny that way.  Not, of course, so much “funny: ha-ha” as “funny: Ethel Merman’s ballz”.)

What you do with all this great analytical stuff is up to you, but if you're smart, you'll think big, aim at the heart of the matter and expect nothing but complete and total success. (NOW you’re talkin’!)

You're loved, you're respected (And GoshDarnIt, people LIKE Us.)

and you're absolutely sure it's going to last forever. (Nothing’s sure, except that Death In Texas is redundant.)

Couldn't get much better, right? (Probably not.  And yet, oddly enough, it can always manage to get worse.)

Especially since it's all true. (Except the falsies.  (Although, presumably, you can have REAL falsies, so…nope.  That way lies mattress.))

No fair trying to convince anyone you're a direct descendant of Vito Corleone. (So you DIDN’T see the latest WaitStaff show?)

You won't need any help getting them to do your bidding. (To say nothing of Our fiddling, piddling, and diddling.  (No, really…say NOTHING! (Is it just Us, or does Fiddling, Piddling, and Diddling sound like a really crappy law firm?)))

Be benevolent. (Bebe Neuwirth.)

You won't take kindly to anyone who tries to come between you and your calculator, computer or cellphone. (Or Our Calvins. (If you are too young to understand that joke, We may need to see you naked.))

Do try to stop short of napping with these devices, though. (Now, see, that?  Not funny, no funny potential, essentially anti-funny.  ThanksALot, @sshat.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )