Fat as I am, who wants to see a diva fat as I am?

Greetings, Exchequer Reimburses Itinerant Chimneysweep---

Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, November 17, 2010 (Happy D@mn Humpty Dumpty Day!  (Hey, if We can’t get humped, We’re gonna start pushing people off of walls. (If you want to make an omelet, you’ve got to break some legs. (Four parentheses in, and We already have no idea what the fu(k We’re talking about.)))):

(You would have been so proud of Us yesterday.  Despite the weather in Clement (wherever the h3ll THAT is), We were a veritable whirlwind of outdoor activity and errand running.  We got to cross so many picayune little items off of Our list that We were forced to write “make a new list” at the bottom.  Upon which We promptly made a new list, and then crossed off “make a new list”.  Oh, the sense of accomplishment!  (Although it now occurs to Us that We failed to put “cross off ‘make a new list’” on the new list, and consequently missed out on that particular accomplishment.  Oh, well.  Just one more star on Our crown in Heaven.))

(Speaking of Heaven…Jeebus loves the little children/‘Specially in a tuna casserole./Baked or broiled; breaded, fried/With some coleslaw on the side/Jeebus loves the little children of the world…(that was a little religious song, to set the tone for the rest of this paragraph)…you will all no doubt be ecstatic to learn that Our Jeebus video has over 1000 hits.  Four months after We posted it.  To put that in perspective for you, here’s MC Escher.  (Just kidding…MC Escher’s been dead since 1972.) .  To put that in perspective for you,  the lovely and talented Willam Belli’s Vagina Song video, which was posted three weeks ago, is closing in on 200,000 hits.  Of course, he is a celebrity, a star of stage and screen, and a h3ll of a lot more lovely and talented than We are (and did We mention lovely?).  Also, he shaved his legs for HIS video.)

(And here, for your Humpty Dumpty Day amusement, are both videos.  Have a great Fall!)

(And, with no fanfare or hoopla (“hoopla”?) whatsoever, We just made WorldWideInterWebNetzian history by creating the first paragraph in the history of written history to contain Willam Belli, MC Escher, and Jesus.  And YOU were THERE.)

(If Micro$oft Weird™ didn’t tell Us that We had spelled “Willam” wrong, We would never be sure We had spelled it right.)

(How many of all y’all haven’t even recovered from “To put that in perspective for you, here’s MC Escher” yet?   We’ll wait.)

(Just kidding.  Erix Daily Horoscope waits for nomads.)

 (Our-O-Scopes:)

You need to step up and show them how it’s done today (See, We always heard that phrase as “step up to the plate”.  Unfortunately, We never realized it was a sports saying.  Which explains he current size of Our @ssz.)

— your energy makes you unstoppable. (That’s gas.)

If you’re first in line, (The only thing We’ve ever been first in line for was to be last in line.)

everyone else should be able to keep cool while you take care of business.  (Alternatively, “everyone else” can go fu(k themselves.)

 It’s time to relax (That’s what Frankie says.)

and have some fun (Frankie says that too.)

— not alone, (But he doesn’t say that.)

(For you youngsters in the house, that was a little 80s pop culture reference.  Go Google it on Wikipedia.)

but not in a crowd of thousands, either. (Judging from the lack of success of Our Jeebus video, We’d be lucky to muster a crowd of tens.)

You want to have some fun, but you probably also want to spend your time with just one quality person. (Okay.  If, by “quality”, you mean “nekkid”.  (Hey, you have YOUR definition of quality, We have Ours.))

Someone you’ve been dying to spend your time with. (An undertaker?)

(ThankYouVeryMuch, We’llBeHereAllWeek, Don’tForgetToTipYourWaitress, and TryTheVeal.)

(Just as We typed that last bit, it occurred to Us that there are probably now enough Erix Daily Horoscopes out there that a computer could be programmed to write this every day.  And that made Us sad.  (Not sad that We would be replaced by a machine, but sad that other computers would probably still be the only ones reading it.))

So instead of dragging yourself out (Hey, We aint’ shaving OUR legs unless somebody’s putting US in a music video.)

and pretending to have a good time if you’re not really in the mood, (How ‘bout pretending to have good mood if you’re not really in the mime?)

(Is “mimefucker” a word?  (Here’s hint:  Micro$oft Weird™ says no.))

 snuggle up, kick back (Wait…are you in some way implying that We should only kick them if they kick Us first?!?)

and enjoy a quiet evening — a party of two. (Well, that’s two more than We have right now.)

 Your ability to navigate conversations is a great asset today (Was that a fat joke?)

(Joanne Worley called…she wants her shtick back.)

as you chat with someone sweet. (Or cheat with someone sweaty.  One of those.)

You can tell that they want to dig deeper, (Dapper double-dipper digs deeper in the diaper.)

(What do We want?  NONsense!  When do We want it?  NOUN!)

so ask some leading questions (Wanna see Us suck a golf ball through a garden hose?)

and let them do the rest. (In Bucharest.)       

(What?)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )