Batman is here and the joke is on you

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Frydee, June 24, 2011.  So (almost) no one got back to Us after yesterday’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Tina Yothers You Only THOUGHT We Were Going To Say Justine Bateman to tell Us what your Batman name turned out to be.  So We’re just going to guess that it was Adam West. Except for those for whom it turned out to be Burt Ward’s Penis.

The remainder of today’s horoscope is going to be like one of those exercises where someone tells you not to think about penguins, and then all you can think about is penguins.  Except YouAll will be thinking about Burt Ward’s Penis.  (On the plus side, speaking of penguins, it could be worse; We COULD have said “Burgess Meredith’s Penis”.)

Is it just Us, or are We in the midst of a serious dearth of birthdays?  A birthday dearth, if you will.  (Or even if you won’t.  What makes you think it’s all about YOU?)  It seems like forever since We’ve wished more than one person a happy twenty-fourth.  Which may explain the infuriating lack of attention being paid to Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Cancer video.  Which can be found right here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3cqsTuxavM  .  We’re not even going to mention the “Like” button any more, as YouPeople obviously cannot even find Uranus with both hands.

In still more self-referential news, it has been amusing Us of late, as We have mentioned previously in these pages, to peek at Our Google Bloggonian statistics.  We are currently being captivated by the list of OLD entries that people choose to look at at any given time; every day, some not-insignificant number of obviously highly intelligent denizens of the WorldWideInterWebNetz are poring over pearls of wisdom that We cast before YouSwine in 2010.  In case this amuses you as much as it amuses Us (not that We care, mind you), herewith the Top Ten Most Viewed Erix Daily Horoscopes Of All Time (“All Time” being, of course a relative term, Our entry into Bloggonia having only occurred in January 2010):

'Cause tonight we're gonna party like it's 1929 Jan 2, 2011 172 Pageviews When the Moon is in the Seventh House and Jupiter ... May 19, 2011, 4 comments 102 Pageviews I'll be fine and dandy; Lord, it's like a hard can... May 19, 2011, 1 comment 102 Pageviews White boys give me goose bumps, white boys give me... Jan 7, 2011, 3 comments 98 Pageviews I fell in to a burning ring of fire Jan 11, 2011 91 Pageviews And it's finger popping twenty-four hour shopping ... May 17, 2011, 7 comments 81 Pageviews So sweet and soft and gentle, my favorite Oriental... Nov 15, 2010 79 Pageviews Stand by your man May 6, 2011, 2 comments 74 Pageviews The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire Oct 28, 2010, 2 comments 70 Pageviews Mocha chocolatta ya ya, Creole Lady Marmalade Nov 22, 2010, 5 comments 69 Pageviews

With that, We now present The HorrorScope.  In Smell-O-Vision™.

You’re the spark that fires up the creative engine today (Please don’t say “fire”…We damn near burned OurHouseWhereWeLive down yesterday.   We were broiling Our chicken (did that sound dirty to you?  Because it sounded dirty to Us, and We know that all We were doing was broiling Our chicken) and minding Our Own Bidness when the frickin’ chicken burst into flames!  Extra crispy, don’t’cha know.  Unfortunately, We were quickly able to subdue the resulting inferno.  (We say “unfortunately” because firemen are HAWTT.))

(Is becoming accident-prone a symptom of menopause?)

— so get things started as early as you can. (Let’s get this potty stotted.)

Your people (If We have “people”, why do We have to broil Our Own frickin’ chicken?  (That STILL sounds dirty. Dammit, it’s only poultry, people.  Paltry poultry at that.))

are waiting for you to say the word or propose a new plan, and you’re destined for success.  (We are also, unfortunately, suctioned to distress.)

The way you respect other people’s privacy is admirable, (If ya think THAT’S admirable, you should see the way We respect other people’s privates.)

but it could be limiting your opportunities. (To say nothing of your opportunities’ knockers.)

(Burt Ward’s Penis.)

Don’t be afraid to talk to the people around you about getting what you want — they’re there to help you get things started. (Could those things possibly NOT include kitchen fires?)

Managing your finances should be at the top of your to-do list today, (Lovely.  As soon as We’re through here, We’ll go rub Our two nickels together.  (THAT sounds dirty, too.  Gawd, YouPeople have dirty minds.  It’s a good thing Burt Ward’s Penis.))

 and you can get some fresh ideas from some surprising sources. (Burt Ward’s Penis for the win!)

Now that you have a clear financial goal in mind, (Winning PowerBall™.  Hey, We’re viZZZualizing it.)

you’re ready to tighten your belt a bit. (Was that a fat joke?)

 If you’ve been all talk and no action lately, (Actually, We’ve been busy being all caulk and no traction.  It’s kind of a niche market, but We want to be prepared when it blows up.)

(What?)

start practicing what you  preach to set a good example. (We are an EXCELLENT example.  We’re just not sure of WHAT.)

People appreciate your dedication to keeping it real.  (In Our experience, people are far more appreciative of Our penchant for keeping it imaginary.)

(Maybe if We stick this here, you will click on it.  Or maybe Burt Ward’s Penis.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Stand by your man

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, May 6, 2011.  According to SitOnMyFaceBook, nobody was born today.  So, by all rights, We should be taking the day off.  And yet, here We are, slaving and toiling, typing Our little fingers to the bone for YouPeople.  And do you call?  Do you write?  Do you mix up FTD and FDS and send Us feminine hygiene spray instead of flowers?  No, you do not. Sigh.

Now, in the Born Yesterday Department (and, if One looks at Our calendar for yesterday, it clearly says “Not Us”), We have already mentioned that Sinko de Mayonnaise (that, for the monoliterate monoglots amongst you, is Frawnch for Cinco de Mayo) was The Sainted Mother’s twenty-fourth birthday.  She has been Our Sainted mother for twenty-four years (hey, you measure your time-space continuum, We’ll measure Ours), and yet We only just yesterday discovered that she shares her birthday with Tammy Wynette.  We are not sure just what the significance of this factoid is, but We thought We’d pass it along. Like gas.  You’re welcome.

Also from the Born Yesterday Department, congratulations to Beth, and Jeremy, and Little Sister Penny on the birth of baby Beatrix, who now shares her birthday with Our Sainted Mother. And Tammy Wynette.  And Tina Yothers from Family Ties.  (In retrospect, perhaps We should have said “little sister Penny” without the caps.  Because with the caps, “Little Sister Penny” looks like a midget nun, no?)

For the rest of you folks who are not caught up in birthin’ babies and the dearth of birthdays (is it just Us, or is “The Dearth of Birthdays” a really good title for…something?), please direct your attention to the Erix Daily Horoscope Pixtures Du Jour Au Jus Charles Schulz Is Rolling In His Grave, which come from http://peanutweeter.com/, which is guaranteed to destroy your productivity for the remainder of the day.  You’re welcome.  AGAIN.

In still other news, We are just two weeks away from A Really Exciting Announcement.  Could you just plotz?  We know WE could.  Unfortunately (for you, anyway), it’s a secret, so don’t plotz prematurely.

And now, just in time to plug up your premature plotz, the HorrorScope:

Now is a good time to make purchases, (A better time, of course, would be when One had any money.)

especially if you are upgrading some technological gadget or tool. (You must be reading Our mail.  We went to the phone store yesterday, to complain about Our phone.  (As most of you are aware, We are to complaining what Yoko Ono is to…whatever those sounds Yoko Ono makes are.)  The PhoneStore HomoSexual gave Us a new sim card and sent Us on Our way.  Once back in OurHovelWhereWeLive, We were somewhat more able to make phone calls than We had previously been, but seemed unable to send text messages.  We hate Our phone, Our life, and that bear on the Snuggle™ commercials, but We’re no longer sure in what order.)

 Moving ahead toward the future is definitely favored in every way, (Mainly because moving back toward the past is pretty much impossible, unless One can get the time machine out of the credenza (which is in the time machine…don’t ask). Asshat.)

so don’t be shy.  (We shall give it the old college try.)

Like confetti falling all around you, there are many trivial dramas fluttering about — and they’re equally celebratory. (Ya know, if you cut a whole bunch of syllables out of that sentence, it might make a decent haiku.)

Good news is everywhere today, (Which is itself good news, no?)

but most of it will affect the people around you more than it will affect you (Oh hai, other shoe dropping.)

— so be wary of the green-eyed monster showing up when you least expect it. (Not to worry…nobody ever shows up here.)

The good fortunes of others may become downright annoying as the day continues, (Sing it, Sistah.)

but try to remember (…the corpse you dismembered/And put in the freezer/Last September…)

that good things come to those who wait, (Also, a stitch in your hand is worth two in your bush.)

and every good dog has its day.  (What the hell does that even mean?)

 If you’re having trouble breaking the ice with your latest crush, (Then you’re just not hitting it hard enough.)

try using email to get things moving. (Or, alternatively, a Fleets™ enema.)

Sometimes, simply writing down a friendly ‘hello’ is much easier than saying it in person.  (And there’s always room for Hell-O™. (What the hell are We talking about?))

Flirt with smilies! (If We ever…EVER…”flirt with smilies”, please send a battalion of ninjas to kill Us in Our sleep.)

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(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.