I fell in to a burning ring of fire

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tuesday, January 11, 2011.  Yes, ladies and genitals, it’s 1/11/11.  Or, as we would say, much more symmetrically, I might add, in the UK, “11/1/11”.  Of course you Yanks will be saying that on November 1^st   and we’ll have to endure this entire boring discussion of pseudo-significance All. Over. Again.  Meanwhile, about the only significant thing that’s set to happen today is the dumping of yet another metric fuckton of snow over the Northeast Corridor. (If rain is the angels peeing, then presumably snow is the angels pooping…someone should really look into those bitches’ diet.)

In other news, happy birthday to Our MizCynthia, who turns twenty-four today.  Which explains the pixture of my future ex-husband, Johnny Depp, whom I always lend out on the occasion of MizCynthia’s natal anniversary.  Tell you what, Ducks, if you get snowed in, you can keep him through tomorrow. (He’s not been quite right ever since he made that movie with Angelina Jolie.)

Speaking of not quite right, visions of sugarplums, amongst other things, are still dancing about in Himself’s head.  If I could just figure out how to hook him up to a DVR, I’d be a rich woman.  Two nights ago, there was some epic involving him driving (!) an enormous moving truck, followed by an Amtrak train.  Last night, he had his recurring school dream (he’s back in school, high school in this instance, it’s the end of the semester, and there’s a class that he’s registered for but never been to) as well as a dream in which he was off to visit friends in Greater Bostonia, and ran into one such friend in a cab en route to  the airport.  You would think he would wake up exhausted, but he’s just his usual cranky, ornery, obnoxious self.   Sigh.

You meet someone new today who may turn you on to something awesome (Who exactly am I supposed to meet during the coming Snowpocalypse?  The Abominable Snowman?)

— so keep an open mind. (My mind is WIIIIDE open…in fact, things keep falling out of it.)

It may be someone from far away, (Perhaps a Chinaman, bringing food on a bicycle.  (I could eat an egg roll right about now…you?))

and you may have to deal with a language barrier, (Can’t I just press One for English?  (All together now: “Press One WHAT?”))

but you don’t mind.  (Not three sentences ago, you said to keep my mind open.  Now, apparently, my mind has fallen out of my mind.  Clearly, you are a stupid, stupid woman.)

Your relationships will be more emotional today, and that’s a very good thing — it’s time you realized how valuable the people in your life are. (Wait…you mean I can return them for cash?!?  Do I need a receipt?)

Gratitude swells in your heart (The ambulance, no doubt, will be unable to make it through the snow.)

— when you see what could have been, you are thankful to be on this path that others have led you down.  (Notice how the path goes DOWN.  Ah, yes, the downward spiral of Fortuna….I know it well.)

 At this high point of relating, (Was that supposed to be English?  You crazy Americans!)

take a chance and ask for what you need. (Now, why didn’t *I* think of that?  A winning PowerBall™ ticket, a winter home in the Caribbean, and the Swedish Olympic Men’s Swim Team.)

It will be an exhilarating act, full of self-affirmation and truth. (That’s what she said.)

(Also, it will be a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, dignifying stuffing.)

(Mmmm…stuffing.)

You will come away a happier person. (And spreeeaaad sunshine all over the place…just sit on my happy face.)

Spontaneity pays off in a big way. (Well, then, I’ll have to schedule some of THAT, then, won’t I?)

If you learn of a great show happening tonight, (It will be cancelled due to snow.)

or maybe a cooking class that sounds too good to be true, (They’ll probably have a lovely recipe combining bread, milk, and toilet paper.)

get right on it. (And me, without my snowshoes.)

Someone amazing could be waiting for you. (So are you saying he’s a waiter, then?  However will he support ME on TIPS?)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.