Shake your new maracas and you’re fine

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wednesday, January 12, 2011.  Surely you didn’t imagine that I would desert you on this oh-so-special combo of Snow Day and Hump Day?  If we all play our cards properly, perhaps we can make it Hump The Snow Day (or, as Himself would have it, Hump The MotherHumping Snow Day), and won’t we make some very peculiar angels then?

Himself is actually out shoveling (WHY does “shoveling” only have one L?  Doesn’t that look wrong to you?) the snow as we speak, ours being the last house on the block to be cleared away.  All the OTHER Real Housewives Of South Philly clearly sent their husbands out to shovel at the very crack of ass this morning.  On the plus side, we only got about six inches (all together now: “That’s what she said”) and the sun is now shining.  On the plus siZe, Himself’s assz.

(Micro$oft Weird™ wants to make “Himself’s” two words, i.e. “Him self’s”.  I say, let’s not make him any bigger than he already is.)

In case you’re finding your day a little slow-starting, here is a perky little music video to perk your unperked self right the perk up, perkers.  This is courtesy of OurMizDonna, who is, of course, perky and well-perkolated in her own right.  It is safe for work, unless you work for, ya know, Jews, or Muslims, or heathen pagan atheist Satan-worshippers.  And a-one, and a-two…

That inner tension you're feeling (Oh, I know…leave it to me to accidentally set my vibrator on “puree”.)

will easily translate into the urge to push, prod (And poop?)

and otherwise aggravate anyone (Or that.)

who dares to come within shouting distance. (If they plan on getting that close, they’d better warn me first…I haven’t bathed.)

You can handle this. (You haven’t even met me, Luv.  I think you’re just making this stuff all up.  Why don’t you get hold of an ephemeris and do some actual Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulation)?  Dizzy cow.)

Take the day off, and watch old Schwarzenegger movies. (That’s the bloke who’s King of California, innit?  So the movies would HAVE to be old, then, wouldn’t they, because he’s not making any new ones?  D’you think I’m stupid just because I’m not American?  Wanker.)

 It's best. (Tits chest, Beau Geste, Falcon Crest.  (I have no idea what just happened there,))

 Being coy just won't work. (And being koi would be downright absurd.  After all, it’s truly no day for a pond.)

Whether it's you or the object of your affection who's playing hard to get, just saying yes is the only way to go.  (That doesn’t even make any sense.)

 Angry? Cranky? Irritable? (Hey, you have YOUR Seven Dwarves, I’ll have MINE.)

Ready to just about jump out of your skin, even if you're not provoked? (There’s a Silence of the Lambs   joke in that paragraph, just begging to be let out.  Kiss me quick, I’m Jodie Foster.  (Didja hear the one about the Polish lesbian?  She liked men.))

That's not how you're feeling -- yet. (Yet, nyet, yeti, Yentl…nope, nothing funny there.  Moving on…)

But if someone should cross that thin line .... (Are they crossing that thin line with a Thin Mint™?  Because I could go for a Thin Mint™ right about now.  You?)

 You've been given too much to do in too little time (So many men, so little time.)

-- and somehow you've neglected to mention the time element to the powers that be. (We’re not speaking.)

Next time, pipe up. (That’s right, gents…hold those crack pipes high!)

 

 

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.