I don’t want to wait for our lives to be over

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thursday, January 06, 2011.  Happy Feasting On Epiphany Day, to all of my str8 boy readers who enjoy feasting on Epiphany (and her cousin, Sucretia). I went and Googled “January 6” on Wikipedia to be certain that I had my dates correct, as the Church of England frowns upon feasting on Epiphany (at least in public (or, in Olde Middle English, “publick”, which is much more apropos in this case)).  Did you know that, on this date in history, absolutely nothing happened? Seriously.  The most interesting thing I found was that on this date in 1994, Olympic authority figure skater Nancy Kerrigan got her knee whacked.  And that wasn’t even interesting when it happened.

Speaking of white trash (Tonya Harding), a recent lesson learned around these parts is that you can put white trash in an evening gown, but it’s still white trash.  I am needlepointing a sampler.

Himself is still nestled all snug in his bed; when last heard from, he was having a dream where he was in a road movie with Joshua Jackson.   He might as well sleep, poor thing, because nothing in his real life will compare to a road movie with Joshua Jackson.  Hell, nothing in his real life will compare to a road movie with JERMAINE Jackson, but there you are.

You have a way with new activities (But that’s nothing compared to the way we have with new INactivities.)

— you need to try them out and suggest them to others. (Indeed.  Because others so often pay any attention to me.)

Your brainy energy (Excuse me?)

 is just right for exploring and being the first to catch on to a new trend.  (Alternatively, for whoring and putting your snatch on a new friend.  Cheeky monkey.)

You have a very sharp eye today, so use it!  (I shall use it to cut buns.  (What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?))

You will be everyone’s hero if you look closely at any out-of-the-ordinary events and expose the truth for all to see. (I don’t mind the cape, but I won’t have to wear tights, will I?)

Sure, there are problems at hand (NO!...Really?)

that are obvious to everyone, (Which part of “duh” did everyone not understand?)

but you have an ability to see the problems behind the problems (To say nothing of the problems behind the problems behind the problems.  And the other problems behind those.  It’s just a big old thicket of problems, it is.  And that’s a sticky wicket, not a Golden Ticket. Kick it, prick it, Jiminy Cricket.)

(Life is just a musical comedy, innit?)

and call out those responsible. (“THOSE RESPONSIBLE!”)

(See what I did there?)

Today you will finally begin to believe that you were born to be a leader — because people are beginning to follow you so enthusiastically.  (So, wait…you can see those people following me as well?  Because for a minute there, I thought I was being paranoid.  Of course, it’s difficult to decide if you’re paranoid or not when everyone actually is out to get you.)

Be careful what you say around that crush today. (“So, Prince Harry, do you know what House Uranus is in?”)

 Someone may be working against you, (Ya think?)

and if you’re not careful, you could find a knife in your back. (Or a bee in your bonnet.  Or a lemur in your knickers.  (I shot a lemur in my knickers once….what it was doing in my knickers, I’ll never know.))

Keep your friends close — but your enemies closer. (Also, keep your eyes on the stars and don’t stop looking for Uranus.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.