When the Moon is in the Seventh House, and Jupiter aligns with Mars

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, January 14, 2011.  Happy birthday to Ed, who turns twenty-four today.  And Happy Friday to all you poor working stiffs. (How DO you work with those stiffies?  Is puzzlement.)  Here at Casa de Loonie, Himself is still wrestling with visions of sugarplums, having finally finished celebrating Christmas last night.  Leaving Yours Truly to contend with the Return Of The Leak In The Bathroom.  So if I could just persuade one of you to come over to our house, go to the bathroom, and take a leak, that would all be settled.

I kid.

What this actually means is that I shall spend the morning attempting to get ContractorBoi (or those who know him) to divulge the name of the roofer he hired to (apparently temporarily) fix this leak in the first place.  Which should be a rare treat, since, as long-term readers will recall, ContractorBoi hasn’t returned a phone call since September of 2009.  My world and welcome to it.

Of course, the Big Story On Ass(tromalogical) Action News is the recent revelation that your sign may not actually be your sign.  Fortunately, a chair is still a chair, even though there’s no one sitting there.  A thirteenth sign has been added to the zodiac by experts (and, by “experts”, I mean “people who should know better”).  That sign is called, as near as I can tell, “OhFuckUs”, aka “Slippery When Wet”, and its existence would seem to indicate that both Starzina and Himself are actually Pisceses instead of Arieses.  Which is why that’s the last you’ll be hearing of THAT nonsense in these pages.

A major roadblock is all you can see; (If I could see a roadblock, I’d use it to plug up my leak.  Because, lord knows, if I wait for some str8 boi to learn to use his telephone, I’ll be filming a new Poseidon Adventure remake in here in no time. (I will pause at this juncture and wait while you get all those Shelley Winters jokes out of your systems.  Bitches.))

(Why do I suspect that, even if there were (subjunctively) Gay Yellow Pages, One could use them to find roofies, but not roofers?)

 it’s blinding you to other options. (Fortunately, I have a seeing-eye lemur.)

If you can take a deep breath and look around, you may find a detour that is just as satisfying — if not more so!  (If, on the other hand, you can take a leak, come-on-a my house, my house, I’m gonna give you candy. (That “take a leak” joke just doesn’t get old, does it?))

(Shaddup.)

‘Habits’ rhymes with ‘rabbits,’ (And “heinous” rhymes with “Uranus”…what’s your point, you dizzy cow?)

and maybe that’s because both reproduce themselves like mad. (Or, as the kidz would say, “like whoa”.  (Ya gotta love the kidz…they’re alright.))

So if you’ve got any not-so-terrific habits (Stick a nun in ‘em and move on.)

why not make a real effort to stop the cycle? (I want to get off.)

Today is a good day to free yourself of an ongoing, self-defeating habit or two, (If you squint at that sentence, “ongoing, self-defeating” turns right into “orangutan”.  Go ahead; try it and see.  I’ll wait.)

and you will be amazed at how much more smoothly things go once the bad habit is under control — and out of the way. (Why, you make that all sound like so much fun…let me just go get hooked on heroin, just so I can kick the habit. (Hey, I went to Catholic school…kicking the habit would be a dream come true.))

Good luck!  (You suck, Peking duck.)

(What?)

Obstacles are just part of your journey, and could actually be helpful now. (Obstacles are fine, as long as they don’t get in my way.)

If a date cancels (Yeah, I hear there’s gonna be no February 3^rd this year.)

or you just can’t get excited about your search, jump at the chance for some introspection. (Is it just me, or do “jump at the chance” and “introspection” not seem to go together?)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.