Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tuesday, January 04, 2011. Himself, of course, is still dead to the world. When last heard from, he was having a dream about doing extra work. (Now, mind you, by “extra work”, I don’t mean “more work above and beyond the work he normally does”, because he doesn’t, of course, DO any actual work. If you must know who keeps this hovel running shipshape, that would be Yours Truly. And that’s in addition to penning these scintillating epistles every day. Stick a broom up me arse and I’ll sweep the floors whilst I’m at it. Or just stick a broom up me arse because sometimes it’s just nice to have a broom up your arse, innit? But I’ve digressed…)
What was I on about? Oh, yes…”extra work”. By “extra work”, I meant “work as an extra”. In a film or television programme. In this particular instance, he was dreaming about being an extra as an audience member for some 50s award show. (Not an award show for people IN their 50s, an award show that took place in the 1950s. (‘Cor, this writing business is complicated. Especially when writing for you Americans, what with English being your second language and all.))
But enough about him. If he wants this to be about him, he can damn well get out of bed and type it himself. A while back, we had a half-naked straight boy cavorting about the premises. And said straight boy had, amongst other lovely attributes, an interest in the fruit of the grape (WINE, Americans; try to keep up) that manifested itself in a video blog (or “vlog”, as the kids call it), which you can see here: http://knowyourvinos.wordpress.com/ (You’re welcome, Blair. Don’t say I never did nuffing for ya. Look Starzina up next time you’re in town; I’ll show you which of your stars are in Uranus.) Now imagine Yours Lovely Truly, using such a video medium to bring you these horoscopes, say, once a week. The mind fairly boggles, dunnit?
Meanwhile, here is Himself’s horoscope. Which, coincidentally, is the same as my own, which is the only reason I’m presenting his at all, because it’s actually mine, but I’m going to have to keep saying “his” until the solicitors get back to me about changing the name from “Eric’s Daily Horoscope”. Bugger.
You are concerned with how other people see you today (Oh, nobody’s going to see ME today; I’ll be making myself scarce, as Himself is having a WaitStaff business meeting here. Dunno what all this “meeting” is about…how long does it take to say, “Let’s get some paying gigs and make some damn money”?)
— much more so than usual — (Are “much more so than usual” and “much less so than unusual” the same thing? And if not, why not? Discuss.)
(The British readers all just said, “Oh, topping! Something to chat about at tea!”, while fifty million Americans all said, “Huh?”)
and you have an almost compulsive need to correct the record if it doesn’t spin things to your liking. (Who are you calling compulsive? I’ve got a broom up me arse, and I’m not afraid to use it.)
Go for it! (Right, then. Arse brooms at twenty paces.)
(I bet there was never a duel in here whilst Himself was writing it.)
Any weight you’ve been feeling pushing down on your shoulders lightens considerably today. (His shoulders are the least of Himself’s worries. Have you seen HIS arse lately?)
There’s a buoyant energy shining all around you, and it’s lifting your cares away. (Oh, I know! Amazing, innit? I think the Bluebird of Happiness just shat in my cleavage.)
(Did anyone else just think, “Well, that would make it the Bluebird of Crappiness, then, woonnit?”)
Personal worries or anxiety start to fade away as you (Bleach them?)
realize that right now, you only have to take on as much as you’d like to. (Or that.)
You can choose to have a less stressful experience. (Of course you can. That’s why God made Valium™.)
Encourage this feeling of empowerment by trying something new. (Oh, just imagine Starzina in living color on your computer screen, WhoreOScoping away! I bet we’ll have more than ten followers on Google Reader then! Why, even Himself’s YouTube video might get some hits. (Here it is, just because it’s been a while. But don’t go helping out by sharing it with friends or anything.):
How you’re perceived is important — so you want a sweet, clear photo on your profile. (No matter how many times I read “sweet, clear photo”, it morphs into “sweet potato”. (Anybody who just said “I yam what I yam”, pull down your knickers and grab your ankles; the headmaster will be along to cane you in just a moment.))
(Apologies to Jerry Herman.)
You also need verbal descriptions that reflect who you really are, showing your heart just a little bit. (Well, if you only want to show your heart a little bit, you’ll want a hacksaw, not a chainsaw.)
(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:
http://www.humorscope.com )
http://www.humorscope.com )
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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