Take one step and see what it gets you…one step up and see how it gets you down

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wednesday, January 05, 2011!   Happy Hump Day to all you Humpers and Humpables.  (I’m not especially well-versed in American telly, but I think that was the family’s name on The Cosby Show, yes?)

There is absolutely nothing noteworthy to report here, but I am determined to keep churning out these epistles until someone acknowledges that there has been A Changing Of The Guard.  Himself has taken to his bed with his hot water bottle and his woolly penguin after last night’s WaitStaffian business meeting forced him to focus on the same subject for more than six consecutive minutes.  (“Woolly penguin” is, of course, a euphemism, but I prefer not to imagine for WHAT.) Also, he was traumatised by the discovery that his CVS was closed due to a fire.  Why that should have any impact is beyond me, as there are three other perfectly good CVSs that he can go to.  And that’s not even counting the one in the Walgreens.  It’s like the fu(king Starbucks of drug stores, that CVS.

Meanwhile, here, without further ado adieux doodoo cockatoo (I SWEAR he has macros embedded in this thing) is our shared Aries horoscope. (I realize that most of you aren’t certified Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist)s as I am, and, consequently, in addition to having no idea where Uranus is, you can’t quite fathom the depth of my feeling about the fact that Himself and I share an astrological sign.  Let me explain it in terms that even a layperson (where does one find a layperson?  It’s so difficult to get good help these days.) can understand.  It’s the same feeling that you yourself would have if you and a homeless person shared a toothbrush.  That the homeless person had used to anally pleasure a sewer rat.

How I got screwed out of that Poet Laureate job, I’ll never know.

You need to enmesh yourself in a group of some kind today, (It’s a bit nipply for mesh, Sweetie.)

even if you see yourself as a lone wolf.  (Ah, I see.  A GROUP of lone wolves.  Kelli, you are not just any moron, you are an OXYmoron.  It’s like those ads you see for the Latter Day Saints…”I’m Poindexter T. Buttmunch…father, pantysniffer, Moron.”)

Your personal energy needs others in order to fully activate, (Much like the Wonder Twins and the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers. (“Wonder Twins” being, of course, a euphemism, and “Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers” being very gay superheroes in funny tights.))

so try it out and see what happens. (How many horrific events have been kicked off with that very sentence?)

Remember that you have one of the best guts around (Which is nothing compared to the size of his @ssz.)

in terms of instinct, that is!. (Well, something stinks, anyway.)

 So this recent bout of self-doubt is completely unwarranted and unnecessary. (If “warranted” is the opposite of “unwarranted”, and “necessary” is the opposite of “unnecessary”, what’s the opposite of “unique”?)

(Also, why is “aunt” the opposite of  ”uncle”?)

Today you need to trust yourself!  (The Euphemism Police would be having a field day in here today!)

This day offers you a big opportunity to try out your new optimistic self-assurance (As soon as you get it fully inflated, that is.)

— and the best part of it is that it will be fun and completely risk-free. (“So try it out and see what happens.” (Whereupon commences the Chicago Fire.))

Consider it training wheels for a healthier ego. (I’m just gonna go right ahead and give a shout-out to all the str8 boy readers and change the preceding to “Consider it a training bra for a healthier ego.”  You’re welcome.)

 Your ability to see the future will grow stronger once you start listening to yourself again.  (Sorry…what?)

Your personal space is kind of a mess, (To say nothing of his personal face.)

and it’s starting to impact your emotional state. (Nebraska.)

No one can function with all this madness, so choose one area to focus on and make it sparkle. (Oh, that’s all we’d need…Himself with his paws on a Bedazzler™.)

Baby steps are progress. (Really?  Where the hell is stepping on a lot of babies going to get us?)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.