Lady Godiva was a freedom rider; she didn’t care if the whole world looked

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tuesday, January 25, 2011.  So, yesterday, SitOnMyFaceBook suggested I befriend someone who’s been dead for several years.  In fact, I don’t think said deceased person even HAD a SitOnMyFaceBook page during life.  Is it me, or is this really creepy on several levels?

In less macabre news, I robbed both the Ack-A-Me and the CVS yesterday…seriously.  The following items were free:  a 500-ml bottle of Crest Pro-Health™ mouthwash, some sort of breath-spray appetite suppressant (totally bogus, “As Seen On TV”, but, still, FREE), some new-fangled Schick™ refillable razor with five blades (not with five replacement blades, mind you, but with five blades ALL AT ONCE…Imma have the smoothest cootchie on my block (well, having seen my block, perhaps that’s not the superlative that it might be, but, still, my cootchie’s gonna be pretty damn smooth)), a pack of ten Mission™ tortillas, and a Zone™ nutrition bar.  (Actually, with my coupon, they PAID me ten cents to carry that nutrition bar out of their store.)

Clearly, I should promptly be hired as someone’s personal shopper.  (Or cootchie smoother.)

For some reason, despite the predicted God’s-taking-another-crap-on-us weather forecast, there are roofers on my roof, roofying away.  Either that, or they’re Peeping Toms trying to get as glimpse of my cootchie.  (One is given to wonder just why exactly these peepers are named Tom…apparently, there is an historical reason.  Granted, it’s boring, but still.)

Himself, naturally, is still fast abed.  When last heard from, he was having  a dream about being home-schooled.  In college.  By his father.  We’ll be tip-toeing past THAT room for the rest of the day.

Your regard for your mate or coworker makes all the difference today. (Okay, even when I HAD a jawb, I did NOT mate with my coworkers.)

Basic respect gets you much farther than anything else right now, (And Basic Wiring is a Time-Life™ book.  So the fu(k what?)

and it’s easier than ever for you to open up and accept people.  (Well, it’s certainly easy to open them up, at any rate.  As long as you’ve got plenty of petrol in your chainsaw.)

To say the past couple of days have been tricky won’t really capture the spirit of the times. (I BEG your pardon?  I haven’t turned a single trick in MONTHS.)

In fact, you’ve had it with just about everyone and everything. (Oddly enough, I have a T-shirt that says that very thing.  In sequins.)

Fortunately, you have two entire days at your disposal to separate yourself from whoever or whatever has just pushed your buttons for the very last time. (What is this “two days” of which you speak?  I was unaware that there was a deadline.  Why, we are rapidly approaching Groundhog Day, when, no doubt, winter will start all over again.)

Take a friend along — as a witness. (Or take two friends along…one as a witness to your fitness, the other as a witness to your whiteness.  Or maybe take a third friend, too.  In case your fitness witness gets scared shitless, or your whiteness witness turns witless.  (Kiss me quick, I’m Dr. Seuss.))

Oh, and to vouch for you.  (Ya know, if you stare at the word “vouch” long enough, it ceases to make any sense whatsoever.  Go ahead; try it and see.  I’ll wait.)

 (See?)

The key to romantic success right now isn’t to knock them out.  (Well, so much for that roofie plan, then.)

Instead of living large (Honey, I’ve had to hire a midget with a wheelbarrow to haul my ass around behind me; ain’t no choice butt “living large”.)

(You did notice that that sentence had “ass”, “behind”, and “butt” all in it, didn’t you?  (Sometimes I feel as though I’m in here telling jokes to myself.))

— even with that energy (I haven’t any energy.  I have, however, got a free energy bar.  (Who will pay me to go shopping for them?))

— you need to draw that hottie out (In my experience, they won’t sit still for that.)

and learn more about them. (That sounds like a lot of work.  Are you sure the roofie plan is no good?)

They’re sure to find you fascinating.  (Mmm-hmm.  Also, “she has such a nice personality”  and/or “but she has such a  pretty face”.  Also also, “she’s not fat; she’s big boned.”  The check is in the mail, the dog ate my homework, and he won’t come in your mouth.)

(Hmm…in re-reading that, I appear to be saying that the dog won’t come in your mouth.  Pronouns are funny.  Not, of course, so much “funny: ha-ha” as “funny…with a knick-knack paddy whack, give a dog a blowjob”.  (Clearly, it has been a while since we’ve had a bestiality joke in here.  (I used to be into S&M, necrophilia, and bestiality, but then I realized I was just beating a dead horse.)))

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.