If you want to buy my wares, follow me and climb the stairs

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, January 21, 2011.  Happy birthday to Brandon, who turns twenty-four today, and also to Peter, who (coincidentally) also turns twenty-four today.

Peter is the creator and star of this:

…in which Himself appears.  Himself also appears in the following, which he created:

All praise to the creators.

I am letting Himself sleep in this morning, as the weatherman’s “three inches” has turned into a mere dusting which will be dealt with shortly by the sun in lieu of Himself’s  shovel.   Isn’t that just like a man, to overestimate his inches?  (Although what the hell anybody was supposed to do with THREE inches, I haven’t got any idea.  You’d have to put that in at least twice…)

Sorry…just a little vulgarity early in the morning.  Gets the blood flowing, don’t’cha know.   So I’ve precious little else to report.  The faux snow has prevented the roofer from coming to take our leak.  He was here for an estimate the day before last…apparently, Himself was had, as it were, by ContractorBoi.  As I’ve always told him, don’t be distracted by a pretty face, unless they let you sit down on it.

I am emptying the dishwasher as I write this.  Well, not, of course, AS I write it, but in between writing it, as I think new bits of it up.  (That was meant to be a fascinating behind-the-scenes glimpse at The Making Of Erix Daily Horoscope.  Turns out, it was every bit as boring as everything else up to this point.  Sigh.  My life as a drudge, and welcome to it.)

You may find yourself overly frustrated with your work or chores today, (Work or chores, cork or whores, let’s call the whole thing awful.)

(Something tells me that, today, I could empty TEN dishwashers, and this still isn’t going to get any funnier.)

thanks to weird details that don’t line up with your expectations. (Oh, Christ…I’d better NOT be expecting. (Hmm…how can you be expecting if you don’t expect to be?  There’s a little English-language conundrum for you all to ponder.))

Try to relax and make sure you’ve got the right backup.  (Oh, Ducks, please.  Have you seen the size of me lately?  I BEEP when I backup.  Why, if I were (subjunctively) Gladys Knight, I’d’ve killed sixteen sets of Pips by now.)

As much as the eight hours we necessarily devote to earning our daily bread (How much bread can one woman eat?)

do cut into our social life, (Our what?)

most of us manage to get through it, sometimes even with just a hint of a smile and a positive attitude. (Alternatively, with a rabid pit bull and a chainsaw.)

Today, however, that may be especially tough to pull off, so do yourself a favor: (Newsflash:  “pulling off” IS “doing yourself a favor”.  Wanker.)

(Heh.  “Wanker.”   See what I did there?)

Dangle a career carrot (And YouPeople accused ME of being vulgar!)

of your own creation (All praise to the creators.  See above.)

in front of you to get yourself through the day, then make terrific plans for the evening. (If “horrific” is “horrible” and “horror-inspiring”, wouldn’t “terrific” be “terrible” and “terror-inspiring”?)

Feeling good is the first part of looking good, (except nobody cares how you FEEL, as long as you LOOK good.)

so do something to center yourself and get your heart pumping today. (Fine.  As soon as I finish writing this, I’ll go “do myself a favor”.  (Too much information?  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.))

A healthy you is a happy you — and a happy you is completely irresistible! (Much like an uncorked whore.  (There’s STILL no joke there.  DAMMIT!))

  (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.