Hippity, etc.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for GoodFriedEgg, April 6, 2012.  (It is unclear to Us what would make one fried egg better than another, and if you are so kitchen-incompetent that you can make a BAD fried egg, We certainly don’t want to eat at YOUR house, but whatevs.)  Happy GoodFriedEgg.  Also, Happy Belated Holy Thursday.  We had a friend over last night for what We now realize was a celebration of The Last Supper, although, based on the size of Our ass, The Last Supper for Us should have been quite some time ago.  On the other hand, who’s gonna celebrate a holiday called The Last Slim-Fast™?

Also also, Happy Easter in advance.  And Happy Passover to Our Jewish friends.  Easter and Passover seem to be coinciding this year, which makes Us wonder why they don’t coincide every year.  After all, wasn’t Jesus celebrating Passover immediately before his unfortunate brush with the law?  Why does The Church feel the need to do all this hocus-pocus with full moons and whatnot, when all they need to do is say, “When’s Passover?...There’s Easter.”  Boom…done.

Clearly, We would make a most excellent Pope. (We already have the dresses for it. (Is anyone else picturing the current Pope, in his prettiest party dress, saying, “Boom…done”?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.))

So, other than that, Mrs. Kennedy, what did you think of Dallas?  We have got absolutively nothing, as you can plainly see.  Perhaps if We go now and pick out the Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Leave The Driving To Us…

…nope, that didn’t work.

Maybe you should all go watch Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Aries video:

http://youtu.be/jy65nirv_BM 

Here it is again, in case you missed it:

http://youtu.be/jy65nirv_BM

Before We start telling you the story of how, after The Last Supper, Our phone died, only to rise from the dead in the middle of the night (no, We’re not making that up…Our smart phone is apparently so smart it’s messianic), perhaps We should begin the HorrorScope (there is, presumably, not much call for the word “messianic”, but Micro$oft Weird™ recognizes it all the same.  Good job, Micro$oft Weird™.):

It just occurred to Us that We have jellybeans.  Life is good.

Try to put aside your own needs for one day (That should be simplicity itself…everybody else manages to do it constantly.)

— you can do much more good if you externalize all this energy! (Not if We simultaneously internalize all this inertia.)

(Is anyone else now singing “Accen-tu-ate the Positive”? Just Us?  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)

(How is it that We have yet to make that saying catch on?)

(Stop trying to make “fetch” happen.)

(Oh, good…not only are We Arguing with Ourself, We’re losing.)

(Is it wrong that We are imagining the porno version, “Stop trying to make “felch” happen”?)

Consider it an investment or something even bigger, (Was that a fat joke?)

and you should do just fine.  (We should do a lot of things.  “Just fine” never seems to be one of them.  “Larry Fine” is, mercifully, another.)

The items you have on your wish list are closer than ever to being yours today, thanks in part to the magnanimous charm you’re displaying. (Ah, yes, the old “magnanimous charm” trick.)

You’re being generous with some powerful people, and they want to return the favor.  (How is it that she manages to make that sound like a threat?)

Graciously accept what they give you, and don’t act as if you think you’re undeserving. (Have you met Us?)

Being unable to accept gifts isn’t a sign of sophistication. (Don’t look a gift whore in the mouth.  (You may, however, look her in the bouche.  But only if it amuses you.))

(Who the hell let Neil Patrick Harris in here?  And why isn’t he naked?)

 It’s a sign that you feel guilty about something — and you have nothing to feel guilty about!  (Certainly not.  It’s not as though We’ve had, say, impure thoughts.)

Today, do something that goes against your nature: Say no. (Oh. My. God.  You’re as bad as that bitch of a Nancy Reagan.  Just say no, THANK YOU.)

You’re operating on information overload — it’s as if everyone wants a piece of you.  (We defy you to show Us ONE PERSON who “wants a piece of” Us.  We’ll wait.)

Save your sanity and bow out of unnecessary social obligations. (Our sanity is ancient history, and we’re much too busy imagining that last sentence  being uttered by Eileen Heckart in The Bad Seed.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

We’re your Dreamgirls, Dreamgirls’ll never leave you

                                        

                                                                                                                                       

                                                                                                                                                           

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tuesday, April 12, 2011.  Before We forget, as we are wont to do, senility being just another word for nothing left to lose but your mind, happy birthday to David Cassidy, who turns SIXTY-ONE today.  Anybody else feel ancient all of a sudden?

So.  We stumbled across today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis somewhere out in the wild and woolly WorldWideInterWebNetz.  The musical theatre queen in Us was all, “At last, my arm is complete again!”, while the television geek was all, “Hey, Rocky, watch while I pull a hedgehog out of Uranus!” We trust it is amusing to you as well.

Meanwhile, there must be one or two of you out there who are wondering what the hell Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis has to do with anything.  And to both of you, We say, “That’s just how We roll.”

Nice day if it don’t rain, eh?  So much for all those errands We intended to run.  Of course, April showers bring Constance Towers, and all that, but still… (Back in The Day (whatever that means) stars and other Notable Personages would hire what were called clipping services to find mentions of said stars and other Notable Personages in newspapers, magazines, and other print media.  One wonders if, in this post-post-modern WorldWideInterWebNetzian world, there is a similar electronic “clipping” service for stars and other Notable Personages, and, if so, if Constance Towers is currently sipping her morning mimosa and muttering, “What the fu(k is an Erix Daily Horoscope?”)

Of all the things We’ve lost, We miss Our mind the most.

Random thought:  why would anyone’s dating service profile picture be taken in the produce section of a supermarket?

In other exciting news, there is a smart phone here in Casa de ClutchPurse!  We feel so up-to-the-minute new millennium moderne and chic!  Of course, it was sent to Us by a survey company, as a tool for tracking Our behavior for two weeks, and doesn’t actually do anything but let Us respond to survey questions, but still!  Our rotary cell phone (which still takes nickels and whose number is BUtterfield-8) was pee green with envy, until We discovered that Our fingers are entirely too large to operate the touchscreen on such a device.  Also that it wouldn’t play Our 8-track tapes.  Then Our rotary cell phone started sniggering at Us behind Our backs. (Yes, “backs”, plural; We are plus-sized these days.  We would shop at Lane Bryant, but We get stuck in their revolving door.  We ate a meatball off the floor right over there. Once upon a time, We were falling in love; now We’re just falling apart…nothing We can do, We’re a total eclipse of the sun.)  Of course, the sniggering soon stopped once We pointed out how unattractive a pee green rotary cell phone was, and shoved the stupid thing into the BetaMax™.

Technology is difficult.

It has just come to Our attention that you Yanks say “snickering” instead of “sniggering”.  Which makes Us wonder what you say for “knickers”.

Okay, that was some cunning linguistic humor right there.  As there is no doubt no way We shall top that, We shall at this juncture proceed apace with the HorrorScope:

If you’re seeing someone, drop what you’re doing and get in touch with them (Actually, if We were (subjunctively) seeing someone, We would be making an appointment to have Our head examined, because there is No. One. Here.)

— your romantic energy is off the charts! (So she’s saying “off the charts” as though it were a good thing?  Not if you’re a pop song.  If you’re a pop song, “off the charts” is a very bad thing.  (No clue whether it’s good or bad if you’re a Pop Tart™, but then, how many people actually ADMIT to being Pop Tart™s?  Sweet Tart™s, maybe, but We digress. (Actually, come to think of it, We digress rather well.  One wonders what the jawb market is like for digressers these days.   Of course, print digressers are fading out, but there is no doubt some sort of call for electronic digressers, especially if they are well-versed in social media.  We shall have to look into this.)))

If you’re somehow single, (How DOES that keep happening?)

you can make some progress toward leaving that state behind.  (Please don’t say “behind”.  We still have bruises from Our latest revolving door debacle.)

 You’re about to be on the receiving end of some really wild news — all of it positive. (From your lips to God’s smart phone.  (If God had  a smart phone, it would be the SMARTEST phone, yes?  Like, if God had an iPhone4, they wouldn’t really dare to announce that they’re putting out iPhone5 in September.  Or else God would be all, like, “Dudes, I just upgraded MY phone to an iPhone6.” (Actually, God would more likely be all, like, “Dudes, I just upgraded MY phone to an iPhoneINFINITY”.  But only if God were really a smartass.  Also a geek.  (So what if the entire universe is just a game of Dungeons and Dragons that God is playing with His geeky friends in His parents’ basement?))))

(Wow.  That was deep.)

Expect the word to arrive from a higher-up you weren’t sure had ever noticed you, and to be amazed to discover that you definitely haven’t been ignored. (Okay, having just had a digression about God, the preceding sentence is really all kinds of scary.)

Once that news sinks in, you may need to make a decision — a serious, wonderful decision. (Do We, or do We not, want fries with that?)

Prepare yourself for a lovely bolt from the blue. (AGAIN with the God stuff?)

Oh, and if it doesn’t happen yesterday, when you wish everything would happen, (God AND time travel?  We are so fu(king doomed…)

be patient. (See Also: Aries, Definition of.)

It’s coming.  (So are we. But, much like Christmas, only once a year.)

 Mixing family with dating might seem like a recipe for disaster, (No, it would seem like a recipe for incest.  Also, it would seem to be against one or more commandments.)

but it’s not actually such a bad idea to get your relatives in on your love search today. (Perhaps We shall have them take Our picture in the produce section of Our local supermarket. We hear that’s what all the Cool Kidz are doing.)

Could it be that your mom’s friend’s cousin really is the one for you? (Does anyone else feel the need for mental floss?)

 

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(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Someone left my cake out in the rain

Greetings, Enchantress Recants Incapacitating Chants---


Here is your horoscope for Sunday, March 14, 2010 (And a Velly Happy Monsoon Season to One and All. (It could, presumably, have been worse…it could have been snow. Of course, it remains to be seen if it’s ever going to stop, so there’s that.) Also, Happy Sunday, and Happy Ides Of March Eve. (Who the h3ll is Eve, and how did she get in here? (Eve was weak…(Thank you, Piper Laurie.))) We Our Own Selves Personally decided it would be wise to take a morning constitutional yesterday. Actually, We were on Our way to a seminar at a casting agency, entitled “Why You Will Never Work In Show Business, You Hideous Aged Hag”. But, all New Age-y Creative ViZZZualization aside, We bring it up here for those who enjoy playing along with the Eric’s Daily Horoscope Home Game (Thank you, Don Pardo.) We were going from 11th and Mifflin (S 11th St., for those who are MapQuesting) to 7th and Callowhill (N 7th St, in MQ). Which means We walked down to 7th Street to catch the northbound #47 SEPTA bus. Naturally, We walked along the bus route until the bus came…which didn’t happen until Lombard Street, for those who (A.) know the geography or (2.) are MapQuesting. We were a bit moist., to say the very least. (Isn’t “moist” one of those words that just sounds filthy?)):


(But other than that, what did you think of Dallas, Mrs. Kennedy?)


(In addition to Monsoon Season, it is also of course Sunday (currently a misnomer if there ever was one), so Happy Sunday, and Happy Pi Day to all of Our nerd friends. (Happy Pie Day to the rest of all y’all, because mmmm….pie!))


(Our Our-O-Scope today is not Our usual Our-O-Scope, but rather is an Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulational) Pro(gnostimacation) for the entire upcoming week from The Distracted Asstrologer at http://distractedastrologer.wordpress.com/2010/03/14/sun-sign-horoscopage-15th%e2%80%9321st-march-2010/ We offer it here without additional commentary because it’s pretty funny all on its own, plus We have to go get ready to leave OurHouseWhereWeLive again (We know…riiight?) to see some play entitled Naked Boys Singing About Baseball. Sometimes, the Glamour that is Our life is nigh on overwhelming.)


On Monday evening, Mercury and Uranus make the monthly meeting of Luminaries a bit more interesting by spiking the Sun and Moon’s cocoa.


On Tuesday, the silver-tongued god of commerce hears that Neptune and Chiron are making St Patrick’s Day aftercare packages, and offers them a healthy bulk buy discount on alka seltzer.


Wednesday finds the Sun with a St Paddy’s day tab at the Pisces bar and a new friend in Uranus. Neptune and Venus fall out after their third pint of stout and cider, while Mercury quietly packs his bag for a move next door. Not one for clearing-up, isn’t our Mercury.


Thursday’s Sun only moves to accept slow sips of alka seltzer from concerned Neptune. Venus raises her head from the floorboards, tells Chiron to sod off, then hides under the mat until the Universe stops somersaulting. In another room of the Aries house, Mercury phones landlord Mars, to offer him free cable, no questions asked. Shortly before midnight, the Sun accepts Chiron’s kind offer of two paracetamol and a pint of Irn Bru.


Friday is quiet, in a sleeping-off or watching back-to-back episodes of All Creatures Great and Small sort of way.


On Saturday morning, a window at the Capricorn castle flies up, and Pluto bawls across to Mercury. As catchy as the theme tune is, if he has to listen once more to those merry pom pom poms he would personally raze the Yorkshire Dales to the ground, rendering the role of a mid 20th century rural vet defunct. Mercury changes channel to Hi-De-Hi.


Saturday teatime, the Sun bursts through the front door of the Aries house, ready for his fresh, new, sober start. The week ends with the Sun and landlord Mars planning a new extension to the Aries house. It always gets crowded there this time of year.


Aries

Did last week not live up to the promises of renewed Va Va Voom? Was it disjointed? A little bit Va? A bit oom? This week adds continuity — particularly from late Wednesday onwards when your sign gets more company and your ruler plays nice — gives you the engine you need to pick up the speed, and a pen to add an exclamation mark.



(YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


cowgrass…you’re soaking in it.)