Come and listen to a story about a man named Jed

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThirdsThirdThristyThursday, September 26^nd, 2013.

Happy Birthday to Andrew, who turns twenty-four today, right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  Happy Birthday also to Scott, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.   Also too also, Happy Birthday to Noah, who also too also turns twenty-four today. In Wilmington.  Dela-Where. (We say that, of course, to distinguish it from Wilmington.  North Carolina.  And swimming pools.  Movie stars.)

Lest you imagine that We’re finally going to shut up about the Fringe, there is now an article flying about the WorldWideInterWebNetz that purports to identify “The best of the 2013 Philly Fringe”.  We shan’t dignify it by linking to it.  It is written, interestingly, by the critic who had press passes for the WaitStaff’s show the night We did box office for them, and didn’t show up to review the show, i.e., DO HIS JOB. (If you’ve ever been made redundant from a job you were ACTUALLY DOING, you will understand how much this pisses Us off.)

In his first paragraph, this paragon of journalistic integrity admits that it is impossible to discern the best of the Fringe, because no one person can see the whole thing. He then turns loose a bunch of his friends, all of whom, as near as We can tell, were actual participants in the 2013 Fringe, to inform the rest of Us ignorant great unwashed as to what best bestestes that ever bested We were such Philistines as to have missed.

Oddly enough, everything “best” that happened in the 2013 Fringe apparently happened in either the only six shows these cognoscenti deigned to see, or else in shows in which they actually participated.

It is thus made clear that the rest of Us should just never even bother getting out of bed in the morning.

Puke.

In more cheerful WorldWideInterWebNetzian meme news, there is a video going around that demonstrates that showing gratitude makes people happy.  (We WOULD link to this one, but We can’t seem to unearth it at the moment.)  We Our Own Self Personally would be extremely grateful if the narrator of said video would drop by OurHouseWhereWeLive, wearing nothing but his white lab coat, and make Us Very Happy.  KThxBye.

In still other news, We have an email from the Theatre Alliance telling Us that “A Clown Teacher Needs Housing”.  Why wouldn’t he just stay in his car?

And here is the HorrorScope:

Speaking of swimming pools, movie stars, Donna Douglass (Ellie Mae Clampett) is eighty today.  Put THAT in your Daisy Dukes and smoke it.  (Speaking of Daisy Duke, she (Catherine Bach) is currently on The Young and the Rest of Us, and looks like crap. )

You need to clarify a few things in your own mind before you can feel comfortable speaking out.  (Have you met Us?  We are an Aries; speak out now, clarify butter.)

It’s a good time to think through the issues and see what’s most important to you.  (Oddly, that doesn’t sound like a good time to Us.)

 

 Keeping things on a lighter note now paves the way to smooth communication. (Does smooth communication require a smooth operator?  Inquiring minds want to know…)

(Kiss Us quick, We’re Sade.)

 Of course, if you want to address some heavy stuff, that’s your prerogative. (Was that a fat joke?)

Before you get into it, though, make sure you have what you want to say crystal-clear in your head (This is a job for Crystal Meth!)

— thinking it through one extra time wouldn’t hurt. (Then it wouldn’t really be “extra” now, would it?)

And while you think your position is the only viable one, (Which, of course, it IS.)

don’t be surprised (SURPRISE!!!)

if you get an argument about it.  (No, you didn’t.)

Impressing people isn’t easy, (It is, however, easier than getting them to show up so you have the opportunity of impressing them.)

 but today you’ve got at least a few people hanging on your every word.  (Are they well hung?)

Your insights inspire those who need it, (Don’t they, though?)

which makes you one hot property!  (Mmm-hmm.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Here’s a little story ‘bout a man named Jed

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wednesday, May 25, 2011. Happy Hump-A-Day Miss Jane Hathaway.  (Now THERE’RE two things that don’t belong in the same sentence together.  Of course,  as an Inquiring Mind Who Wants To Know, We had just perforce to look up Miss Nancy Kulp, who would, it turns out, were she (subjunctively) still alive, be ninety this year.  She was, apparently, in her later life, an out lesbian.  Quelle surprise. (Didja hear the one about the Polish lesbian?  She liked men.))

Speaking of later in life, We are having difficulty assessing whether We are sick with a cold, or whether We have developed allergies this late in life.   Is it possible to be allergic to menopause?

Apparently, some of Our Gentle Readers were disturbed by Monday’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Buddy Ebsen Irene Ryan Max Baer Donna Douglass (hark, a theme emerges).  So, to soothe your nerves, We have chosen a much more tranquil image today.  It is a still life entitled “Still Our Life”.  Enjoy.

Speaking of enjoy, the deafening silence in response to Our latest autistic endeavor makes Us wonder if some of you out there have neglected to pay your YouTube bill.  We realize that We are a brilliant and glamorous artiste who makes it all look effortless, but trust Us, there were efforts involved.  Are said efforts so unworthy of comment?  Did someone move your “Like” button?  Has it occurred to no one that We have given you a gift that keeps on giving, which you could cheerfully slap onto the SitOnMyFaceBook pages of any of your friends who are having a birthday, whether We know them or not?  Don’t MAKE Us shoot this kitten.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBwdacfn2Vk

So We were busy dreaming again last night.  We had a very lovely dream, which We unfortunately don’t remember, because We woke up and went back to sleep and had a dream about going to an audition.  A DANCE audition.  For people in their 20s.  We’re not entirely sure, but We may have been wearing a headband.  In case you were wondering if it is possible to wake up embarrassed, it is.

We don’t recall who sent Us to the audition in the dream, but We were told that it was for dancers in their 20s after arriving there by two actors whom We only know in Our dreams.  (By “whom  We only know in Our dreams”, We don’t mean like, say, Johnny Depp, whom We don’t know in real life, but might (ahem) have  dream about, but rather two actors who, to the best of Our knowledge, do not actually exist in real life, but have been recurring characters in Our dreams for some time now.)

Does this happen to you, too, or are We just out of what’s left of what used to pass for something resembling Our mind?  For example, there is a wonderful restaurant that We’ve only ever been to in Our dreams, and often We try to take people there (in Our dreams) but We can’t always find it.  Not because We’re geographically challenged, but because you have to go through several other restaurants to get there.

Oh, dear.  We can see you edging for the door and surreptitiously dialing the authorities. Let’s change the subject, shall We?

James van der Beek has a really large head, no?

How about a horoscope?

Messages aren’t always clear, (Massages, alternatively, are often queer.)

and on a day like today, (On a clear day, you can’t see the weather…)

(Kiss Us quick, We’re Barbra Streisand.)

it might feel as if you’re in a foreign film without subtitles. (Or a domestic film without subtleties.)

(See what We did there?)

Just smile and nod and press on (Smile and Nod and Press On Your Nails…that’s the title of Our memoirs.  No word yet on the subtitles.  But expect a complete lack of subtleties.)

— if anything is really important, you’ll hear about it later. (Later than everyone else, you mean.  Sigh.)

People do not always practice what they preach, (They do invariably, however, cactus what they screech.)

(No.  We’ve no idea.  Move on.)

and it might seem as though someone has an ulterior motive when she or he makes a huge effort to help others today. (God humps those who hump themselves.)

(What does that even MEAN?)

This person’s enthusiasm might not make any sense to you right now, (Enthusiasm in general doesn’t make any sense to Us right now.)

but that doesn’t necessarily mean that anything fishy is going on. (Animals as Adjectives:  crabby, catty, ducky, horsy, assy.)

Keep mum about your suspicions for now, and wait at least until the afternoon before sounding any alarm bells. (It IS the afternoon.  PANIC!!!)

Being a tattletale isn’t really your style, anyway.  (We shall report you to the authorities for saying that.)

Real issues need real answers. (Also, real ballrooms need real dancers.  What’s your point?)

If you can’t motivate yourself to start up dating again, (Oh, please.  We can’t motivate Ourself to put a spoon in the dishwasher.)

 then it could be time to consider seeing a professional (A dating professional?  Wouldn’t that be…a prostitute?)

for a deeper look into your mental state. (Nebraska.)

You could find that the solution is simpler than you think. (Yeah.  ‘Cause THAT happens.)

(Watch video.  Like. Favorite.  Share with friends.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

*****************************************************************************  

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.