Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThirdsThirdThristyThursday, September
26nd, 2013.
Happy Birthday to Andrew, who turns
twenty-four today, right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. Happy Birthday also to Scott, who also turns
twenty-four today, also right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Also
too also, Happy Birthday to Noah, who also too also turns twenty-four today. In
Wilmington. Dela-Where. (We say that, of
course, to distinguish it from Wilmington.
North Carolina. And swimming pools. Movie stars.)
Lest
you imagine that We’re finally going to shut up about the Fringe, there is now
an article flying about the WorldWideInterWebNetz that purports to identify “The
best of the 2013 Philly Fringe”. We shan’t
dignify it by linking to it. It is
written, interestingly, by the critic who had press passes for the WaitStaff’s
show the night We did box office for them, and didn’t show up to review the
show, i.e., DO HIS JOB. (If you’ve ever been made redundant from a job you were
ACTUALLY DOING, you will understand how much this pisses Us off.)
In
his first paragraph, this paragon of journalistic integrity admits that it is impossible to discern the best of the
Fringe, because no one person can see the whole thing. He then turns loose
a bunch of his friends, all of whom, as near as We can tell, were actual
participants in the 2013 Fringe, to inform the rest of Us ignorant great
unwashed as to what best bestestes that ever bested We were such Philistines as
to have missed.
Oddly
enough, everything “best” that happened in the 2013 Fringe apparently happened in
either the only six shows these cognoscenti deigned to see, or else in shows in
which they actually participated.
It
is thus made clear that the rest of Us should just never even bother getting
out of bed in the morning.
Puke.
In
more cheerful WorldWideInterWebNetzian meme news, there is a video going around
that demonstrates that showing gratitude makes people happy. (We WOULD link to this one, but We can’t seem
to unearth it at the moment.) We Our Own
Self Personally would be extremely grateful if the narrator of said video would
drop by OurHouseWhereWeLive, wearing nothing but his white lab coat, and make
Us Very Happy. KThxBye.
In
still other news, We have an email from the Theatre Alliance telling Us that “A
Clown Teacher Needs Housing”. Why wouldn’t
he just stay in his car?
And
here is the HorrorScope:
Speaking of swimming pools, movie stars, Donna Douglass
(Ellie Mae Clampett) is eighty today.
Put THAT in your Daisy Dukes and smoke it. (Speaking of Daisy Duke, she (Catherine Bach)
is currently on The Young and the Rest of
Us, and looks like crap. )
You need to clarify a few things in your own mind before
you can feel comfortable speaking out. (Have you met Us? We are an Aries; speak out now, clarify
butter.)
It’s a good time to think through the issues and see what’s
most important to you. (Oddly, that
doesn’t sound like a good time to Us.)
Keeping things on a
lighter note now paves the way to smooth communication. (Does smooth
communication require a smooth operator?
Inquiring minds want to know…)
(Kiss Us quick, We’re Sade.)
Of course, if you
want to address some heavy stuff, that’s your prerogative. (Was that a fat
joke?)
Before you get into it, though, make sure you have what you
want to say crystal-clear in your head (This is a job for Crystal Meth!)
— thinking it through one extra time wouldn’t hurt. (Then
it wouldn’t really be “extra” now, would it?)
And while you think your position is the only viable one, (Which,
of course, it IS.)
don’t be surprised (SURPRISE!!!)
if you get an argument about it. (No, you didn’t.)
Impressing people isn’t easy, (It is, however, easier than
getting them to show up so you have the opportunity of impressing them.)
but today you’ve got
at least a few people hanging on your every word. (Are they well hung?)
Your insights inspire those who need it, (Don’t they,
though?)
which makes you one hot property! (Mmm-hmm.)
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
No comments:
Post a Comment