Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for King Friday The Thirteenth (Oooooooooooooo!!! Scaaaaaaaaaarrrrryyyy!!!!) of September, 20THIRTEEN (BOO!) Happy birthday to Michael, who turns twenty-four today in El Lay, most likely WeHo. Also, Happy Birthday also to Melanie, who also turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.
Melanie is a dancer, and a choreographer. She once had the grave misfortune of choreographing Our fat ass in a show. (Our ass was significantly less fat at the time. Its dancing skillz, on the other cheek, were no more madd then than they are now.) In the show in question, We played a stripper in a gay club. We seem to recall a striptease routine with a Boy Scout theme, entitled (We shit you not) “Lend A Helping Hand”, in which We wound up in a G-string pickered all over with Boy Scout merit badges.
Suddenly, coming to see Looking for Uranus: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour doesn’t sound all that bad, does it? We promise to keep Our clothes on the whole time, We’re wearing 4-inch heels, so there’s not much chance of a dance breaking out, and We promise there won’t be a Boy Scout for miles. The next show is Sunday at 7PM at Café Nola, and you can either buy tickets in advance or at the door:
Also, tell your friends, etc. We were so preoccupied with, ya know, making there be a SCRIPT for the damn thing that We weren’t quite the lean, mean publicity machine We might otherwise have been.
(That paragraph works best if you pronounce that last “been” as “bean”. You DID pronounce that last “been” as “bean”, didn’t you? If not, We’ll wait whilst you go back.)
There is also a SitOnMyFaceBook event here: https://www.facebook.com/events/706806152678843/ for your convenience in sharing on that platform.
Speaking of G-strings, it occurs to Us that We have been remiss in not re-sharing Our other Virgo video with you, the one with the hawtt almost-nekkid angel in it. So here ya go:
Meanwhile, on Our way home from Our show last night, We overheard this from a Real Housewife Of South Philly on her stoop: "He's so courteous, I could slap him across the face."
And here is the HorrorScope:
Happy Birthday to Niall Horan of One Direction. (If you had seen Our show, you would understand.) Also, Happy Birthday to Milton Hershey, of Hershey Highway fame. (We’ve no idea what made Us think of the Hershey Highway in relation to a member of One Direction. Perhaps some Gentle Reader will enlighten Us.)
Meanwhile, after yesterday’s birthday wishes for Maurice “Thank Heaven For Molesting Little Girls” Chevalier, today SitOnOurFaceBook is full of pix of Mister Rogers with his King Friday The Thirteenth puppet. Because it’s really such a stretch to imagine Mister Rogers with his fist up somebody’s butt. (Heh…”stretch”.) That man even creeped Us out as a child…talk about your Chester The Molesters.
You need to take things down a notch today (DON’T YOU TELL US WHAT TO DO!!! YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF US!!!! WE’VE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF YOU!!!!!)
— though those around you may be speeding up! (Speed killz. Just so ya know.)
Just remember that you have to take things at the pace that feels most natural to you, and keep on keeping on. (Actually, that should be “keep calm and carry on”. Of course, whoever invented that phrase blithely ignored the fact that “carry on” has two different meanings.)
After getting so much work done recently, (Kiss Us quick, We’re Joan Rivers.)
you are feeling more grounded (We are a grown-ass person…We cannot be “grounded” any more than We can be sent to bed without supper or put in a time-out chair.)
and focused regarding your future than ever before. (Wait…We have a future now?)
You’re about to ride a serious wave of positive energy, so hang on! (This is a surfing metaphor, yes? So (A.) shouldn’t that be “hang ten” and (2.) who the hell could imagine Us surfing?)
As the petty people squabble over petty things, (On Petty Coat Junction?)
you’re able to rise above and spend your time on more productive things. (We are murder mystery-ing tonight. Having a weekend job is annoying. It is time to win the goddamn PowerBall™.)
It’s great to be so goal-oriented at work, (Is that the same as being goalie-oriented? (Not that We actually know what a goalie IS, mind you, but We are imagining some sort of athlete. In some sort of athletic supporter.)
but romantic matters require a lighter touch for the time being. (Is it just Us, or does that sound downright smutty?)
Why push so hard (SMUT!!!)
when you can relax and simply enjoy yourself — and look fantastic while doing so? (How kind of you to notice.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.