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Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Like a rhinestone cowboy

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  GoodPieRupeeTuesday, September Twoth, Twoth Ousandthirteen.   We trust you all had a laborious Labor Day.  We know We did. 

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to OurAmericanCousin David, who turned twenty-four this past weekend all the way out in Michigan.  Which, We learned recently, is near something called “Wisconsin”.  (Actually, We already knew where Michigan was; it’s this Wisconsin” thing that was news to Us.  Geography is difficult, especially around the holidays.) 

(Did We mention that We found out where Wisconsin is because We know someone who’s there (temporarily)?  We figgered, if We know where it is, maybe We can help him find his way back at the end.)

Happy Belated Birthday also to Jackie, who turned twenty-four this past weekend On The Way To Cape May, New Jer-Zay. (Since that sounded like a song, We decided to make it rhyme.  Because We can do what We want, and you are not the boss of Us.)

Also, Happy Belated Birthday to Our Labor Day babies (are We Stephen Fucking Sondheim in here this morning, or what?) Charlie, who turned twenty-four yesterday in New York (the one in New York…We even know where it is!), and Mike, who turned twenty-four yesterday right here in the suburbs of The City That Loves You (On Your) Back, and Tony, who  turned twenty-four yesterday in Hollywood.  Florida.  (So would that be East Hollywood?  We are confused…)

We just erased a really mean observation about someone’s lack of manners.  Miss Manners would be so proud.

So We finished Our script over the weekend, and read it for Our director.  It is supposed to be an hour; the reading was 59 minutes.  Which means We can cut some.

Meanwhile from the Math Is Hard Department:  the current script is about 7000 words, and lasts an hour.  The Wedding Consultant lasted an hour and twenty minutes, and was 28000 words.  Jigga WUT?!?

That said, please go and buy tickets for Our Fringe show,  LOOKING FOR URANUS:  Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour:  

Also, tell your friends, etc.  We have been a little preoccupied with, ya know, making there be a SCRIPT for the damn thing that We haven’t quite been the lean, mean publicity machine We might otherwise have been.

(That paragraph works best if you pronounce that last “been” as “bean”.  You DID pronounce that last “been” as “bean”, didn’t you?  If not, We’ll wait whilst you go back.)

There is also a SitOnMyFaceBook event here: for your convenience in sharing on that platform.


Apropos of nussing, here is this:‏

And here is a video clip in which Zac Efron has no shirt on: You’re welcome.

And here is the HorrorScope:

Okay, Mark Harmon is SIXTY-TWO today, and Keanu Reeves is FORTY-NINE.  These fucking celebrities need to stop having birthdays, because they are making the rest of Us feel old.

Your bold (And beautiful…don’t forget beautiful.)

action makes life a lot better — and not just for you!  (Whaddaya mean, “not just for Us”?  Who the hell else is there?)

It’s one of those days when you show the world what you are made of, (Oh, please, Ducks.  Never show them how the magic is done.  They might think they could do it their own selves.)

and it sits up to pay close attention!  (Unfortunately, it then rolls over and plays dead.)

Take a risk.  (Take two; they’re small.)

 Are you feeling some anti-romance feelings right now?  (Oh, please.  We are the Black Hole of romance.)

(Wait…that didn’t exactly come out right.)

Feelings are just feelings, (Is anyone else singing “Feelings” now?)


(Oh, is that song stuck in your head now?  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)

so don’t let this worry you. (May We let it fret Us?)

 If you’re single, (…and you know it, clap your hands.)

you’re going to start to appreciate your independence in a whole new way.  (Mmm-hmm.  Because the actual word is “in Depends™ness”.)

But if you’re in a relationship or just starting one, you might struggle with this sudden urge to be by yourself.  (Okay, We’re fairly certain that sentence was composed of just a hunch of random words.  Not unlike a monkey flinging poo.)

Your partner will understand if you need your space, so don’t be afraid to ask for it. (Honey, if We’re asking for stuff, it’s gonna be a lot better stuff than space.)

Chances are,  (Johnny Mathis is a fag.)

the distance will help you both rejoice in coming back together.  (Why is it that people are always rejoicing, but We never see them joice in the first place?)

Are you daring? (We are glaringly daring, like a Waring™ blender’s ball bearings.)


Of course you are, and with today’s big, bold, impulsive energy flowing right through you, (A euphemism if ever We saw one.)

you’re even more likely to take big risks. (Sounds risky.)

(We should point out at this juncture that We are also willing to take big frisks.  Just so ya know.)

 When it comes to your love life, why the heck not?  (Indeed.  You have clearly indicated that We should throw fucking caution to the cocksucking wind, what with your daring use of “heck” and all.  Stupid fucking asshatted motherfucker.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.