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Friday, September 20, 2013

That’s what it’s all about

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday, September 20nd, 2013. Happy Birthday to OurAmericanCousin Claudessa, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in Oh, Hai, Ohio.   Also, Happy Non-Birthday to Evan, who does NOT turn twenty-four (or any other age) today, in Oh, Hai, Ohio, or anywhere else.  Evan apparently sat down the wrong way (sidesaddle?) on his SitOnMyFaceBook and inadvertently (“inadvertently”, which is today’s Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! Word Of The Day Du Jour Au Jus (and how long has it been since We’ve had one of those?), means, obviously, “without any adverts”) changed his birthday, which was actually earlier this month.

As We are always One to make cake while the sun shines (yes, We KNOW the expression is “make hay”, but who the fuck wants hay, and besides, mmmmm, cake), We shall use this opportunity to do an instant replay from Our e-pissode on the date of Evan’s actual birthday:

Also, Happy Belated Birthday to Evan, who turned not-quite-twenty-four during Our hiatus, and who is one of OurThreeSonsWhoLookReallyGoodInSkinnyJeans, whom We have previously discussed, most recently here:

That post was on the occasion of the birthday of another one ofOurThreeSonsWhoLookReallyGoodInSkinnyJeans, which has only just now caused Us to reflect on the fact that two of OurThreeSonsWhoLookReallyGoodInSkinnyJeans are Virgos.  Hmmmm…the third of OurThreeSonsWhoLookReallyGoodInSkinnyJeans is an Aries like Our Own Self.  We have no idea what that means, but We thought We’d Cher.

Here, for those of Our Gentle Readers who are too lazy to click on the link in the above, is where said link would take you:

Happy Birthday to Johnny, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  Johnny is the third of Our Three Sons in the murder mystery.  (We say “third” only because he was the third of them that We met/worked with; We certainly love all of Our Three Sons equally, and we do not discriminate amongst them and their skinny jeans.)

It occurs to Us that We have waxed rhapsodic on the subject of Our Three Sons before (complete with an arcane Fred MacMurray reference), so, lest We repetitively and reiteratively repeat Ourself, We shall simply refer you to said rhapsodic waxation here:

And once again being the kind of full-service Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) that you all know and love, here is where the above link would take you, if you were (subjunctively) not too lazy to click on it:

We have precious little to report today.  We are off this evening to do Our murder mystery, where We shall be working with the third of Our three sons.  All We know is, the unseen father of these boys must have some serious genes, because these boys can seriously wear them some jeans.  Just sayin’.  We are thinking of writing a spinoff of the murder mystery, in which We remake My Three Sons. Because Fred MacMurray ain’t got nothin’ on Us.  Except in this version, the boys and We run a clothing-optional tropical resort, and Uncle Charlie is---

Ooops…was that all in The Outside Voice?

Hit Us up if you would like to come see Our murder mystery.  Summer being a slow time in murder mystery dinner theatre world (go figger), We may even be able to get you discount tickets.  Plus, you will get to see Our Three Sons.  In Their Jeans.  Of course, the fatal flaw of this show is that, at any given performance, We only have one son at a time.  We shall solve that problem with Our next murder mystery script, in which the boys shall play extremely suspicious Siamese triplets.  At a nudist colony.

Wow.  We sure did manage to make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear (whatever the fuck THAT means) out of Our Evan sitting his perky buttocks down askew.

Okay, no more fooling around.  Go get your tickets RIGHT NOW for Looking for Uranus: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour.  There is only one show remaining, Sunday at 7PM at Café Nola, and you can either buy tickets in advance or at the door:

Thank you, meanwhile, to everyone who has come to see Our show so far, and to all of Our generous supporters.

Speaking of G-strings, it occurs to Us that We have been remiss in not re-sharing Our other Virgo video with you, the one with the hawtt almost-nekkid angel in it.  So here ya go:


And here is the HorrorScope:

While perusing celebrity birthdays, We just discovered that Aldis Hodge, of television’s Mission:Impossible/A-Team clone, Leverage, turns twenty-seven today.  Meaning that he was cast on Leverage when he was twenty-two.  And has been working consistently in television and fillum since he was nine.  If anyone is looking for Us, We’ll be in the corner reading Plumbing for Dummies.

You need to take part in something new and cool — and your energy ensures that you either choose or stumble upon the perfect activity!   (Mmm-hmm.  Our “energy” is such that, apparently, doing Our show really takes it out of Us without Our being aware of it.  We somehow managed to sleep in till 11AM today, despite the fact that they are once again tearing up OurStreetWhereWeLive.)

Share it with friends or keep it to yourself.  (Apropos of nothing, doing the Hokey-Pokey by yourself is a little weird, no?)

(You’re picturing Us doing that now, aren’t you?  You put your left buttock in , you put your left buttock out….)


(We inadvertently (one more time and it’s OURS) put a space in “now” in the preceding, typing it as “n ow”.  Micro$oft Weird™ thereupon tried to tell Us that “ow” is not a word.  If you prick Us, do We not bleed?  If you stub Us, do We not toe?)

(You put your left prick in, you put your left prick out…)

The delicate balance between power and passivity is something you will be especially adept at today, which makes it a great day to push your agenda just a little bit harder. (Our agenda is so gay.)

You will pretty much get whatever you want, (Yeah.  ‘Cause THAT happens.)

simply by asking for it with a smile and a clenched fist.  (Is it just Us, or is there something vaguely pornographic about that last bit?)

Your knowledge of what motivates people is going to set you apart from the rest of the crowd.  (People…people who know what motivates people…are the luckiest people in the world…)

Waiting for that hottie to make the first move is sure to drive you crazy. (Honey, of all the things that make Us crazy, waiting for hotties to do things is really low on the list.)

Do yourself a big favor (That’s a euphemism, right?  Like waxing the carrot, or banging the bishop?)

and take the risk. (Fuck that…take the Candyland.  Because, mmmm…candy.)

Get things rolling and see where it all leads. (Well, you know what they say:  the Rolling Stones bother Kate Moss.)

You might be sorry you hadn’t tried it ages ago! (Yeah, let’s make sure to do something that makes Us sorry.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.