Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday, September 20nd, 2013. Happy
Birthday to OurAmericanCousin Claudessa, who turns twenty-four today somewhere
in Oh, Hai, Ohio. Also, Happy
Non-Birthday to Evan, who does NOT turn twenty-four (or any other age) today,
in Oh, Hai, Ohio, or anywhere else. Evan
apparently sat down the wrong way (sidesaddle?) on his SitOnMyFaceBook and
inadvertently (“inadvertently”, which is today’s Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! Word
Of The Day Du Jour Au Jus (and how long has it been since We’ve had one of
those?), means, obviously, “without any adverts”) changed his birthday, which
was actually earlier this month.
As We are always One to make cake while the
sun shines (yes, We KNOW the expression is “make hay”, but who the fuck wants
hay, and besides, mmmmm, cake), We shall use this opportunity to do an instant
replay from Our e-pissode on the date of Evan’s actual birthday:
Also, Happy Belated
Birthday to Evan, who turned not-quite-twenty-four during Our hiatus, and who
is one of OurThreeSonsWhoLookReallyGoodInSkinnyJeans, whom We have previously
discussed, most recently here:http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/08/operator-information-get-me-jesus-on.html
That post was on the
occasion of the birthday of another one ofOurThreeSonsWhoLookReallyGoodInSkinnyJeans, which has only just
now caused Us to reflect on the fact that two of
OurThreeSonsWhoLookReallyGoodInSkinnyJeans are Virgos. Hmmmm…the third of
OurThreeSonsWhoLookReallyGoodInSkinnyJeans is an Aries like Our Own Self.
We have no idea what that means, but We thought We’d Cher.
Here, for those of Our
Gentle Readers who are too lazy to click on the link in the above, is where
said link would take you:
Happy Birthday to
Johnny, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love
Handles. Johnny is the third of Our Three Sons in the murder
mystery. (We say “third” only because he was the third of them that We
met/worked with; We certainly love all of Our Three Sons equally, and we do not
discriminate amongst them and their skinny jeans.)
It occurs to Us that
We have waxed rhapsodic on the subject of Our Three Sons before (complete with
an arcane Fred MacMurray reference), so, lest We repetitively and reiteratively
repeat Ourself, We shall simply refer you to said rhapsodic waxation here:http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/07/we-are-si-mese-if-you-prease.html
And once again being the kind of full-service
Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) that you all know and love, here is where the
above link would take you, if you were (subjunctively) not too lazy to click on
it:
We have precious
little to report today. We are off this evening to do Our murder mystery,
where We shall be working with the third of Our three sons. All We know
is, the unseen father of these boys must have some serious genes, because these
boys can seriously wear them some jeans. Just sayin’. We are
thinking of writing a spinoff of the murder mystery, in which We remake My Three Sons. Because Fred MacMurray ain’t got nothin’ on
Us. Except in this version, the boys and We run a clothing-optional
tropical resort, and Uncle Charlie is---
Ooops…was that all in
The Outside Voice?
Hit Us up if you would
like to come see Our murder mystery. Summer being a slow time in murder
mystery dinner theatre world (go figger), We may even be able to get you
discount tickets. Plus, you will get to see Our Three Sons. In Their Jeans. Of course, the fatal flaw of this show
is that, at any given performance, We only have one son at a time. We
shall solve that problem with Our next murder mystery script, in which the boys
shall play extremely suspicious Siamese triplets. At a nudist colony.
Wow. We sure did manage to make a silk purse out
of a sow’s ear (whatever the fuck THAT means) out of Our Evan sitting his perky
buttocks down askew.
Okay, no more fooling around. Go get your tickets RIGHT NOW for Looking
for Uranus: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour. There is only one show remaining, Sunday at
7PM at Café Nola, and you can either buy tickets in advance or at the door:
Thank
you, meanwhile, to everyone who has come to see Our show so far, and to all of
Our generous supporters.
Speaking
of G-strings, it occurs to Us that We have been remiss in not re-sharing Our other Virgo video with you, the one with
the hawtt almost-nekkid angel in it. So
here ya go:
And
here is the HorrorScope:
While
perusing celebrity birthdays, We just discovered that Aldis Hodge, of
television’s Mission:Impossible/A-Team clone,
Leverage, turns twenty-seven today. Meaning that he was cast on Leverage when he was twenty-two. And has been working consistently in
television and fillum since he was nine.
If anyone is looking for Us, We’ll be in the corner reading Plumbing for Dummies.
You
need to take part in something new and cool — and your energy ensures that you
either choose or stumble upon the perfect activity! (Mmm-hmm.
Our “energy” is such that, apparently, doing Our show really takes it
out of Us without Our being aware of it.
We somehow managed to sleep in till 11AM today, despite the fact that
they are once again tearing up OurStreetWhereWeLive.)
Share
it with friends or keep it to yourself. (Apropos
of nothing, doing the Hokey-Pokey by yourself is a little weird, no?)
(You’re
picturing Us doing that now, aren’t you?
You put your left buttock in , you put your left buttock out….)
(Heh.)
(We
inadvertently (one more time and it’s OURS) put a space in “now” in the
preceding, typing it as “n ow”.
Micro$oft Weird™ thereupon tried to tell Us that “ow” is not a word. If you prick Us, do We not bleed? If you stub Us, do We not toe?)
(You
put your left prick in, you put your left prick out…)
The
delicate balance between power and passivity is something you will be especially
adept at today, which makes it a great day to push your agenda just a little
bit harder. (Our agenda is so gay.)
You
will pretty much get whatever you want, (Yeah.
‘Cause THAT happens.)
simply
by asking for it with a smile and a clenched fist. (Is it just Us, or is there something vaguely
pornographic about that last bit?)
Your
knowledge of what motivates people is going to set you apart from the rest of
the crowd. (People…people who know what
motivates people…are the luckiest people in the world…)
Waiting
for that hottie to make the first move is sure to drive you crazy. (Honey, of
all the things that make Us crazy, waiting for hotties to do things is really
low on the list.)
Do
yourself a big favor (That’s a euphemism, right? Like waxing the carrot, or banging the
bishop?)
and
take the risk. (Fuck that…take the Candyland.
Because, mmmm…candy.)
Get
things rolling and see where it all leads. (Well, you know what they say: the Rolling Stones bother Kate Moss.)
You
might be sorry you hadn’t tried it ages ago! (Yeah, let’s make sure to do
something that makes Us sorry.)
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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