Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, September 18rd , 2013. Happy Birthday to OurAmericanCousin Lizzie, who does NOT turn twenty-four today. In Texas. Where all Our exes drive their Lexuses to cineplexes. (We are a poet, but We are unaware of it.) Happy Birthday also to Dan, who also does NOT turn twenty-four today, right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Also too, Happy Birthday to Nick, who MIGHT turn twenty-four today. Of course, he also might not. We simply don’t know. We also dinna ken. (No, seriously…We never laid a hand on Ken, during dinna or otherwise.)
(As you can plainly see, the humor in here this morning has skipped past Fast & Furious 7, 8, 9, and 10, and is now all the way up to Fast & Furious Fifteen. (And We will also have you know that, in the interest of accuracy, We Googled Fast &Furious on Wikipedia so We would know how many there really are. (There’s a brain cell We’ll never get back.)))
What, you might wonder, are all these youngsters doing having their birthdays here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!? We have no idea, but, lest We be accused of Corrupting The Morals Of Minors, We shall probably have to watch Our fucking language.
(Dan, if you’ve made it this far, We still have your photos, and would love to have a drink and get them back to you.)
Okay, no more fooling around. Every time We mention Our show, many of you look as blank as you look when We mention Our having Justin Bieber’s love child. (Have you heard that he’s gonna be Robin in the new Batman/Superman gay porn fillum?) Go get your tickets RIGHT NOW for Looking for Uranus: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour. There are three shows remaining, tonight and Thursday at 8PM, and Sunday at 7PM at Café Nola, and you can either buy tickets in advance or at the door:
If you are buying tickets at the door tonight, We will give you a five dollar discount if you say “Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad” (or, alternatively, if you say, “I read Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!”
Thank you, meanwhile, to everyone who has come to see Our show so far, and to all of Our generous supporters.
Speaking of G-strings, it occurs to Us that We have been remiss in not re-sharing Our other Virgo video with you, the one with the hawtt almost-nekkid angel in it. So here ya go:
And here is the HorrorScope:
In celebrity birthdays today, We could be sad about James Gandolfini, or mad about Lance Armstrong. We could make an “I vant to be alone” joke for Greta Garbo, or marvel that James Marsden is forty. But, more important than any of those things, celebrating her NINETY-SIXTH birthday today is Ms. June Foray, the voice of Rocket J. Squirrel in Rocky and Bullwinkle.
It’s one of those days when you’ve got to lie low. (We’re sorry, but the phrase “lie low” has now been retired, due to its unfortunate connection with Lindsay Lohan, aka LiLo. Please hang up, and try your party again later.)
Try to take the day off, if possible — though you may find that harder than usual, as your conscience pesters you to take care of business. (We’re doing a show tonight. It’s not like We have an understudy.)
The best thing about good karma (Is that, with every fifth karma, you get a chameleon?)
coming back to you is that you’ve earned your good fortune, so you don’t need to feel guilty for enjoying it. (Or that.)
But when you get some big-time karma payback today, (Is it just Us, or does “big-time karma payback” sound more like a threat than a promise?)
spread the blessings around. (We shall spread those blessing like LiLo’s legs.)
You’re blessed with so many wonderful things right now — you can afford it. (Oh, please. We can’t even afford to pay attention.)
So if a rock-star parking space opens up, let the driver behind you have it. (As all-powerful as We would like to imagine that We are, We fail to see how We could take it from him (or her). What with Our not having a car, and all.)
If you find a couple of bucks on the street, (Is it deer season yet?)
leave them in a friendly barista’s tip jar. (We’re not exactly sure what a barista is, so We’re just gonna assume it’s a Latino bartender. Named Ramon. Who’s not wearing shirt.)
(Oh, is Kelli still talking?)
Keep the good karma flowing. (It is a karmic heavy flow day. The fucking chameleons are swimming for their lives.)
Try group activities — turning that blind date into a double date, (Alternatively, turning it into a deaf, dumb, and blind date who sure plays a mean pin ball.)
or organizing a casual happening (Um, Kelli? 1975 called, and it wants its “casual happening” back.)
with a bunch of single friends — takes the pressure off, and increases your fun by quite a bit. (Is it just Us, or does the phrase “increases your fun” not sound particularly like any fun?)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.