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Tuesday, September 17, 2013

I’m a mess without my little China girl

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, September 17rd, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Sara, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Happy Birthday also to Richard, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  (But, since We are the only person who calls him “Richard”, no one will know about whom We speak.  (More cake for Us!))  Also too, Happy Birthday to Lauren, who does not quite turn twenty-four today, in the same geographical vicinity.

And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Lex In China, who turns twenty-four today.  In China.  (Lex In China is, of course, the lesser known sequel to the opera Nixon in China.  Edit your Quizzo crib sheets accordingly.)

In other Happy Happy Joy Joy wishes, Warm Kisses On Your Opening to The Lovely And Talented Mike Doh, who is opening (well, first-previewing) the musical R-A-G-G M-O-P-P: RapTime! in Walla Walla, Wiscyoming, WestVagina this evening.

Everybody, sing along!

If I had Aladdin’s lamp for only a day
I’d make a wish and here’ what I’d say:
Nothing could be finer
Than to be in your vagina
In the mo-o-o-orning…


Through the miracle of WorldWideInterWebNetzian technology, We have Our Own Self Personally witnessed images of selected scenes from MisterDoh’s brilllliant performance, in which he Wears A Stupid Hat and Argues With A Black Man.  If only there were paved roads leading to Walla Walla…We would certainly be there.

Because people stared at Us blankly when We said, in Our show on Sunday, that We once made a video with Justin Bieber, and because We need no more provocation than a stiff breeze to share same, here is the aforementioned MisterDoh’s cinematic collaboration with Us:

Meanwhile, This Just In from Twatter: “How do five gay guys walk?  In One Direction.”

Also from Twatter:  “First World Problems”:

So We mentioned Our show, and many of you looked as blank as you looked when We mentioned having Our Justin Bieber’s love child.  Go get your tickets RIGHT NOW for Looking for Uranus: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour.  There are three shows remaining, tomorrow and Thursday at 8PM, and Sunday at 7PM at Café Nola, and you can either buy tickets in advance or at the door:

Also, tell your friends, etc.  We were so preoccupied with, ya know, making there be a SCRIPT for the damn thing that We weren’t quite the lean, mean publicity machine We might otherwise have been.

(That paragraph works best if you pronounce that last “been” as “bean”.  You DID pronounce that last “been” as “bean”, didn’t you?  If not, We’ll wait whilst you go back.)

There is also a SitOnMyFaceBook event here: for your convenience in sharing on that platform.

Thank you, meanwhile, to everyone who has come to see Our show so far, and to all of Our generous supporters.

Speaking of G-strings, it occurs to Us that We have been remiss in not re-sharing Our other Virgo video with you, the one with the hawtt almost-nekkid angel in it.  So here ya go:


And here is the HorrorScope:

Meanwhile, while quite a number of people whom We know personally have birthdays today, there is a serious celebrity birth dearth. Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, was born today.  As was Drew Barrymore’s grandmother, Dolores Costello.  Who would be a hundred and ten today.  If she weren’t, ya know, dead as a doornail.

ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…what?  WHAT?  Oh, sorry.  We just went and Googled “dead as a doornail” on Wikipedia.  The answer was more interesting than Drew Barrymore’s grandmother.  But not by much.

Your leadership abilities are unquestioned, (Why?)

(Heh.  See what We did there?  That’s a little bit of that existential humor.  You know, the kind that’s not funny.)

but you may still find that it’s easier for you to defer to others occasionally  (Oh, see…here, We’ve been deferring to others’ occasional CHAIRS.  Awk-ward.)

— if only to let them feel a sense of ownership over their lives.  (This just in: Lincoln freed the slaves.)

 It’s easy to teach an old dog new tricks when the dog wants to learn them — so if you are looking to pick up a new skill or get rid of bad habits, make sure you have the honest desire to do so.  (No matter how many extraneous words you string together at the end of that sentence,  We refuse to forget that you’ve essentially just called Us an old dog.)

If you don’t feel that strongly about change, then you are just wasting your time trying to attain it. (Fuck change…bring on da folding money!)

 Are you letting other people’s expectations drive your goals? (Honey, We wouldn’t let other people’s expectations drive Our Ford Taurus.  If We had a Ford Taurus.  Which We do not.  Have.  A Ford Taurus.)


You have to make sure your ambitions are you own, (We are the most ambitchous person We know.)

otherwise they are never going to inspire you.  (Bitch, please.)

 If someone wants to set you up, why say no? If they know you at all, they should have a good idea of who’s likely to be a good match for you. Ask a few friends if they know any single people. (Now, see…this last part is kind of creepy, especially considering events of yesterday afternoon.  In which We flat out told somebody We wanted to be set up, and with whom…)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.