Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManDickMonday, September 9st , 2013.
We’re BAAAAAAAAAAAACCCKKKK!!!!! And yes, We said “ManDick”. Clearly, you missed Us.
We missed a lot of birthdays while We were in absentia, but We’re not going to list them all. Happy Belated Birthday, however, to OurAmericanCousin Kelly, who turned twenty-four during Our hiatus, and who would smack Us up-side Our head if We neglected to felicitate her. Also, Happy Belated Birthday to Evan, who turned not-quite-twenty-four during Our hiatus, and who is one of OurThreeSonsWhoLookReallyGoodInSkinnyJeans, whom We have previously discussed, most recently here: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/08/operator-information-get-me-jesus-on.html
That post was on the occasion of the birthday of another one of OurThreeSonsWhoLookReallyGoodInSkinnyJeans, which has only just now caused Us to reflect on the fact that two of OurThreeSonsWhoLookReallyGoodInSkinnyJeans are Virgos. Hmmmm…the third of OurThreeSonsWhoLookReallyGoodInSkinnyJeans is an Aries like Our Own Self. We have no idea what that means, but We thought We’d Cher.
Happy Birthday today to Ashwin, and Cas, and Joe, each of whom turns twenty-four today somewhere in Ginger Rogers’ Neighborhood. (Ginger Rogers’ Neighborhood is like Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, except you get to wear evening gowns and high heels. (Mister Rogers would be so pleased. (You’re picturing Mister Rogers in drag now, aren’t you? You’re welcome.)))
Our absence was, of course, due to the fact that We were slaving and toiling to open Our one-woman show, Looking for Uranus: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour. Which did, in fact, open last night. It went WAAAAYYY better than We could have ever expected, except for the fact that many of you were not there. Let’s fix that, shall We? Please go and buy tickets now. We’ll wait.
Also, tell your friends, etc. We have been a little preoccupied with, ya know, making there be a SCRIPT for the damn thing that We haven’t quite been the lean, mean publicity machine We might otherwise have been.
(That paragraph works best if you pronounce that last “been” as “bean”. You DID pronounce that last “been” as “bean”, didn’t you? If not, We’ll wait whilst you go back.)
There is also a SitOnMyFaceBook event here: https://www.facebook.com/events/706806152678843/ for your convenience in sharing on that platform.
And here is the HorrorScope:
It is Colonel Sanders’s birthday. We’re not exactly sure what to do with that information. Also, some country-western singer named Hunter Hayes is twenty-two today, and We are fairly certain that he is one of Our future ex-husbands.
Try to take greater care with your temper today — it’s simply far too easy for you to shake people up when you think you’re just venting. (WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WE’VE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF YOU! SHUT UP! YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF US!!!)
(Heh. That was fun.)
It may be hard for you to relate to certain people for now. (Well, duh. Certain people are idiots.)
Today, avoid people who are hostile to authority, because their message is definitely not going to be worth hearing. (Sorry…what did you say?)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
They’ll feed into your insecurities and fears, (Wait…how did AssHat Kelli find out about Our insecurities and fears? That makes Us feel very insecure. And afraid.)
which is not going to help you get to where you want to go. (Into Hunter Hayes’s 501s?)
Instead, pay attention to the quieter, more subliminal heavy-hitting emotional business going on under the surface. (Be vewy, vewy quiet…We are hunting wabbits.)
Listen to what leaders are saying. (Especially the Leader of the Pack.)
While other people are off whining and complaining, you’ll be gaining valuable insight and getting the upper hand. (Putting Us, naturally, one step closer to the upper hand job.)
Get your ego out of the way (Leggo Our ego?)
— give it a mighty push if you have to. (Alternatively, give it a mighty duck. It’ll never see THAT coming.)
Real love isn’t about what the other person can bring to your life. (Of course not. Also, it’s not the size of the boat, it’s…well, actually, it’s the size of the boat.)
(We’re gonna need a bigger boat.)
It’s about the sense of intrinsic connection that goes beyond surfaces. (Wow. Eleven random words strung together to convey no meaning whatsoever.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.