Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMaxFrischMonday, September 23st, 2013.
We just found out that it has been National Chicken Month all month, and none of YouPeople bothered to tell Us.
Meanwhile Happy Birthday to Joe, who turns twenty-four today, somewhere in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back, or its environs. Happy Birthday also to Janet, who also turns twenty-four today, also somewhere in the vicinity.
Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Butch, and Christina, and Paul, each of whom turned twenty-four on Saturday, and to Angela, Chas, and Tyler, each of whom turned twenty-four on Sunday, except for Tyler, who didn’t. Birthdays: they’re not just for breakfast anymore.
Speaking of things nobody told Us, We just found out that one day last week was National Talk Like A Pilates Instructor Day, and none of YouPeople told Us that, neither.
In other news, The Red-Headed Step-Child of the Philadelphia Theatrical Community has concluded the run of her show, so you will be spared entreaties to purchase tickets. Also, despite efforts on the part of many to make her feel Less Equal Than Everybody Else, the bitch made her coin, so said show will be back to annoy you all shortly.
Thank you, meanwhile to all of those who came out and/ or supported Us. We are already hard at work on the Kickstarter rewards.
And here is the HorrorScope:
It is Bruce Springsteen’s birthday. In other news, Mickey Rooney is still alive. Who knew? (Other than, presumably, Mickey Rooney.)
You may wrap yourself up in old memories or objects today — shopping for antiques, poring over old photo albums or just lost in reverie. (Kiss Us quick, We’re Miss Havisham.)
It’s a good time for just hanging out and reminiscing. (In order to reminisce, wouldn’t One have to have minisced to begin with?)
You spent quite a bit of your hard-earned money last month, didn’t you? (Mind your own fucking business, AssMunch.)
It’s only surprising (SURPRISE!!!)
that you didn’t get even crazier (Wait…We can be crazier?!?)
and spend even more than you did. (Clever couponing.)
(All the things Micro$oft Weird™ tells Us are not words, and it accepts “couponing”?!?)
Now, however, you’ve just realized that the one thing you didn’t buy was something you really do need for yourself. (Yes, but where exactly IS the New Life store?)
But now you’re not sure you can afford it. (We can’t even afford to pay attention.)
Well, take another look at your balances. (We are in Libra now, after all.)
Maybe — just maybe — there’s a way to manage it. (Manage---just manage---there’s a way to maybe it.)
Your unique perspective (Kiss Us quick, We’re MC Escher. (Or should that be “Kiss Us upside down? (Or would that make Us Spiderman? (Kissing is complexicated.))))
inspires those around you to be more creative in their everyday activities. (Yes. Because We care about other people being creative. Because We are less equal than they are.)
Use this ability to influence people to your best advantage. (We’re fairly certain We couldn’t influence people to pee on Us if We were (subjunctively) on fire.)
Spend time with someone you like so they can find a new way to be. (If they need to be a new way, why would We like them to start with?)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.