Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, September Elebenf, 2013. Happy Hump Day to Juan Anne Dahl.
We trust you will make it safely through the day without having to scream at the InterNetz too many times to shut its freaking cakehole. If you make it all the way to this evening, turn OFF your InterNetz and come join Us at Looking for Uranus: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour. The show is at 8PM at Café Nola, and you can either buy tickets in advance or at the door:
Also, tell your friends, etc. We were so preoccupied with, ya know, making there be a SCRIPT for the damn thing that We weren’t quite the lean, mean publicity machine We might otherwise have been.
(That paragraph works best if you pronounce that last “been” as “bean”. You DID pronounce that last “been” as “bean”, didn’t you? If not, We’ll wait whilst you go back.)
There is also a SitOnMyFaceBook event here: https://www.facebook.com/events/706806152678843/ for your convenience in sharing on that platform.
On another subject, there are days when We are absolutely Mister Fide by people’s behavior. This is one of those days.
In other news, it occurs to Us that We have been remiss in not re-sharing Our other Virgo video with you, the one with the hawtt almost-nekkid angel in it. So here ya go:
And here is the HorrorScope:
Our celebrity birthday website wants Us to know that it is Dr. Seuss’s wife’s birthday today. Seriously? Everybody out of the InterNetz!
(Her name, meanwhile, was Helen Palmer. Because, if you were married to Dr. Fucking Seuss, you wouldn’t call yourself Mrs. Fucking Seuss?!? Jeebus!)
You may say the wrong thing to the wrong person today (Well, it’s a good fucking thing that Helen Fucking Seuss nee Palmer is dead, then, innit?)
— but that doesn’t mean you’re doomed! (Oh, please. If We were (subjunctively) doomed for saying the wrong thing to people, We’d’ve been dead long before the first e-pissode of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! ever appeared.)
In fact, a moment of insensitivity could be just what’s needed to break the ice. (Bite Us, bee-yotch.)
Don’t feel bad! (Fine! Come to Our show, and We won’t! (Our show is full of random exclamation points too! Just like this one! And this one! And…(How can you tell it’s an endless loop…endless loop….endless loop…?)))
Today, you will feel a strong magnetic pull toward beautiful things from other people’s cultures. (That is because We have no culture of Our Own.)
This increase in your aesthetic sensibilities and curiosities is probably a clear signal that it’s time for you to break away from a life that is too oriented towards facts and figures. (Okay, the phrase “aesthetic sensibilities” is making Us wonder if there is a related phrase, “aesthetic supporters”, analogous to “athletic supporters”. Which should give you some idea as to which way Our “aesthetic sensibilities” lie. (Here’s another hint: We would like to be reincarnated as Johnny Depp’s aesthetic supporter.))
So try to step out of your daily routine. (Well, We would, but We hear it’s hot outside. Also, We have to work tonight. And the check is in the mail, the dog ate Our homework, and We won’t cum in your mouth.)
Go see a foreign film, eat at an ethnic restaurant or listen to some music from another country. (Which part of “We have to work tonight” did you not understand? AssHat.)
Explore and you will be rewarded. (Exploding U-Hauls is reworded.)
(Well, it is.)
(That’s one of those existential jokes. In the sense that it’s not funny.)
You’re bounding up the career ladder, (In these heels?!?)
and it’s totally deserved. (Whatevs.)
Your love life might just have to stay on the back burner for a little while longer, though, but it should come back with a bang! (“With a bang”…heh. Kelli made a funny.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.