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Thursday, September 12, 2013

Send your camel to bed

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  ThurstonHowellTheThirdsThirstyThursday, September 12nd , 2013.  Happy Birthday to Robin, who turns twenty-four today all the way over in San Francisco.  Where, apparently, they think Rice-A-Roni™ is a treat.  (No word yet on whether they also think Beef-A-Roni™ is really neat and/or fun to eat. (Micro$oft Weird™ would like Us to know that “Roni” is misspelled.  How exactly would you like Us to spell it, Micro$oft Weird™?))

Happy Birthday also to Carly, who also turns twenty-four today, albeit right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  Where, if We are going to have a treat, it is most assuredly not Rice-A-Roni™. Also too Happy Birthday also too to Tony, who also too turns twenty-four today, also too geographically here, and also too having, We suspect, neither Rice-A-Roni™ as a treat nor Beef-A-Roni™, no matter how really neat or fun to eat.

Meanwhile, We had a dream last night in which We were rehearsing for a show. In said show, We had a nude/sex scene that also involved an interpretive dance.  We’re going to just give you a moment to viZZZualize that…

Suddenly, coming to see Looking for Uranus: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour doesn’t sound all that bad, does it?  We promise to keep Our clothes on the whole time, there’s only Us up there, so Our sex scene capabilities are exceedingly limited, and We’re wearing 4-inch heels, so there’s not much chance of an interpretive dance breaking out.  The show is tonight at 8PM at Café Nola, and you can either buy tickets in advance or at the door:

Also, tell your friends, etc.  We were so preoccupied with, ya know, making there be a SCRIPT for the damn thing that We weren’t quite the lean, mean publicity machine We might otherwise have been.

(That paragraph works best if you pronounce that last “been” as “bean”.  You DID pronounce that last “been” as “bean”, didn’t you?  If not, We’ll wait whilst you go back.)

There is also a SitOnMyFaceBook event here: for your convenience in sharing on that platform.

In other news, it occurs to Us that We have been remiss in not re-sharing Our other Virgo video with you, the one with the hawtt almost-nekkid angel in it.  So here ya go:


And here is the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news, it is Maurice Chevalier’s birthday.  He, of course, was an old French guy who became famous for singing “Thank Heaven for Little Girls”.   Good thing he’s dead, because if he tried that crap today, he’d be hauled off to the hoosegow.  Also, one-hit-wonder Maria Muldaur of “Midnight at the Oasis” fame was born today.

Before We begin, We have said this in these e-pisstles before, but it bears repeating:  Rice-A-Roni™ has not been a treat since they stopped putting slivered almonds in the fried rice variety.  (We used to be into sadism, necrophilia, and bestiality, but then We realized We were just beating a dead horse.)

It’s a great time to meet new people (We will be happy to meet anyone who has tickets to Our show.)

— you are quite likely to run into someone from far off whom you’d never have expected.  (Good thing We very rarely drive, or that sentence would be much more ominous.)

It’s a great time to round out your growing list of friends.  (Unless you’re insinuating that Our friends are getting fatter, We fail to see this “growing” of which you speak.)

If any kind of conflict erupts in your group today, you have to be frank and open about how you feel.  (We are doing a one-woman show in which We are Starzina.  We have no intention of being Frank as well.  (Who the hell is Frank?))

(Frank Lloyd Wrong, Anna May Wong…there’s a joke in there somewhere, but damned if We can find it.)

By communicating honestly, you will show people that you aren’t trying to gain anything — you are just trying to make things better for everyone.  (Wow.  That’s some serious lying going on there.  (We had a sudden flash of sitting on Pinocchio’s face screaming “lie to Us!”  But We won’t tell you about it, because that would be crass.))

This is not the time to get suspicious or self conscious about your feedback or criticisms. (Of course, now that you’ve SAID that, there’s no way for Us not to.  It’s like when somebody tells you not to think about pink elephants, or Beef-A-Roni™, or Maurice Chevalier molesting little girls…)

 A compromise will take time to arrange, (A promcomise would be much quicker.)

 but your input will help it happen sooner, (“Input” is a euphemism, innit?)

 and it will be a better solution for everybody involved.   (What gives you the idea that We give a shit about “everybody”?)

 You shine in the company of true friends, and especially now, so a double date is just the ticket to sweet romance for the time being.  (Twincest is best; put the Bobbseys to the test.)


You’re at your most appealing when you’re comfortable. (So NOT when We’re doing a naked interpretive dance, then?  Righty-ho.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.