The hills are alive

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday’s Eve (for that “not-so-fresh” feeling),  September TwennyFivest, 2014.

Happy Birthday to Michael, who turns twenty-four today in New York.  New York, New York…The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us).

Happy Birthday also to Van, who also turns twenty-four today, in El Lay.  Which We always imagine to mean WeHo.  Because We can.

Additionally, Happy Birthday to Hope, who additionally turns twenty-four today.  In Orwigsburg.  Pennsylvania.  Which sounds, if you say it out loud, less like a place than like a question…try it.  See?  It’s practically “Alas poor Yorick”.  Which isn’t a question, but would be a really cool name for a place.  “Where are you from?” “AlasPoorYorick, Pennsylvania.”

Does anyone have any idea what the fuck We’re talking out?  No?  Good…moving on…

Last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday also too to Skye, who also too turns twenty-four today, and with whom We’ve recently reconnected through The  Magic Of Social Media.  He now lives, it turns out, in somewhere called Kill Devil Hills, North Carolina, and, if you think it doesn’t tickle Us to be able to say that We know someone who lives in Kill Devil Hills, North Carolina, you simply haven’t met Us.

Meanwhile, in a no-doubt-futile effort to obtain Ourself a few drops of the milk of human kindness that flow so freely everywhere but here, We are on the verge--

(Note to Self: invent, define, and popularize new phrase: “on the virgin”.)

--of doing what will, being an episode of Our Life, turn out to be An Incredibly Stupid Thing.  Sigh.

Also, dear SitOnOurFaceBook:  We have, at last count, 995 “friends”.  Many of whom We have never actually met.  So We can pretty much guarantee you that “People We May Know” do NOT include those with whom We share only one or two “mutual friends.  Your stupidz are showing. KThxBye.

In other news, We are having Ourself a frosted brownie for breakfast.  Again. Because We are a grown-up, and We have that power.  As We mentioned yesterday, We had a friend for dinner Monday, and consequently have leftover frosted brownies, amongst other things, to eat for the rest of the week.

(Please note that, when We say We “had a friend for dinner”, We do NOT mean that We ate him.  (Also, “frosted brownie” is not a euphemism for anything.  (Although, now that Our attention has been drawn to it, it certainly should be.)))

In other other other news, leapin’ lemurs, it’s Libra!  And not a moment too soon…Virgo was truly wearing Us right the hell out. Is it just Us, or does Uranus always feel out-of-sorts for you during Virgo too?  Also, for the entire month of Virgo, it always feels as though someone is snooping through Our underwear drawer.  And telling people what they find there.  And NOT in a good way.

At any rate, Our Libra video is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends:  http://youtu.be/I-sVEr84fyk?list=UUtq4ffsQ_xGu4T5NSA2HfaQ

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In random news from the WorldWideInterWebNetz:

English is confusing because "booty call" and "butt dial" mean very different things.‏

Also:

Condom = “cumbrella”

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And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:

The quantity of famous celebrity-type people born today is SO truly staggering (how did We not know before that Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas have the same birthday?) that it would almost be easier to list people who were NOT born today.

We were not born today. (Or yesterday, for that matter.)

(Heh. See what We did there?)

Also, apparently, no one We know in Philadelphia (at least as far as SitOnOurFaceBook knows) was born today.  Thereby, it would seem, severely curtailing Our chances of obtaining cake.  Thank Gawd for “frosted brownies”.

And now, as Our day is getting away from Us, and since those drops of the milk of human kindness are still a few days away, and because Our day is getting away from Us, here, in lieu of call-and-response with AssHatted Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli is a reading from Madame Olivia:

Greetings Starzina ~

Hello again. Madame Olivia is happy to receive you.

Madame Olivia doesn't want to interrupt your labors but this might be a good time to think about the spiritual aspect of things: the Oneness, the Great Other, the Timeless, the Unseen. A moment of open-ended reflection in the day, every day, will suffice, and you will be suffused with widened perspective and refreshment. On a personal note, every morning Madame Olivia enjoys doing one yoga pose and brain-singing a line from a song: Who knows One?/ I know One/ One Spirit,/Of heaven and earth. It opens up the day ahead.

Little Aries, even in the best-regulated lives Eros can wreak a bit of havoc. Eros is the life force and we must have her, warts, stinger, and all. Do not be surprised by a sudden change in your ocean of love in the near future, be it a gentle wavelet or a tsunami. It is life exerting its force and for sure your boat will be lifted. Sit tight and ride it out. Everything will calm down.

Portentous color for you now: any purple

Our time together today is drawing to a close. Madame Olivia bids you au revoir and good luck until we meet again.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

I love a piano

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManDickMonday, October 7^st, 2013.  

Happy Birthday to Brainard, who turns twenty-four today.  In New York.  New York, New York, that is.  Like the song:

Start spreading your legs…

You know the one.

Also, Happy Birthday to Kevin, who also turns twenty-four today, somewhere in the Pennsylvanian hinterlands called “Center Valley”.  Which is, oddly, not at all in the center.

We have seen Kevin naked.  Repeatedly.

We thought it important to put that out there, in keeping with JustAnotherManDickMonday.

In fact, We are picturing Kevin naked right now.

Don’t smirk…now We’re moving on to picturing the rest of Our Gentle Readers whom We’ve seen naked.

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Heh.  We put a row of stars there, just like a Victorian novelist.  Kiss Us quick, We’re Jane Austen’s stepsister, Charlotte Bronte Saurus.

But We’re not done with birthdays yet. (Be afraid, be very afraid.)  Happy Belated Birthday to Bonnie, who turned twenty-four over the weekend, and also to Melissa, who also turned twenty-four over the weekend.  Both of them did that right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles, thus sparing you any further geographical witticisms.

None of the aforementioned birthday celebrants have anything to do with  Our upcoming show.  (Although you can never tell at what point during said show We might start picturing Kevin naked.) Have We neglected so far to mention Our show, which We are remounting (ooooohhhh!)? 

 LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour, the best-kept secret of the 2013 Philadelphia Fringe Festival, will be performed for one night only, Sunday, October 13 at 7:30 at L’Etage, so that everyone who was too busy Fringing can have a chance to see it.  Getcher tickets here:

http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/478137

In other news, We watched, over the weekend, the Liberace biopic Behind the Candelabra, and were very disheartened to realize that no one called Us when a job became available applying fake tanline makeup to Matt Damon’s ass.  Also, We failed to see all this “bravery” they were all so busy congratulating themselves about in the behind-the-scenes.  Yes, when One is acting, One often has to kiss someone One is not in love with, and may not even like, and convince One’s audience that One is in love with that person.  That’s why it’s called “acting”.  Shut up, Michael Douglas.

And here is the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news, there is apparently a baseball player called EvaN Longoria. How weird izzat?

Apropos of nothing, this:

Your emotional side is causing some friction today, but it’s nothing too dramatic. (And just why not, We’d like to know?)

 You may just have to cope with some stray baggage that you thought you had checked long ago.  (That’s one o’ them metaphor thingies, innit?  A really boring one, We might add.)

(We’re just gonna sit here and picture Kevin naked until she changes the subject.)

There are going to be a lot of different emotions swarming around inside of your heart today, (EEeeeeuuuuwwww!!!!)

 which could cause you so much confusion that you might get frustrated.  (Gee, ya think?)

But the problem isn’t your feelings, it’s your attitude.  (Also, it’s not so much the heat, as it is the stupidity.)

Instead of feeling so many feelings, move them up to your brain — and start thinking them through. Take each emotion one at a time, and just try to identify what you are feeling. Once you do, you will be able to find the cause — and then eventually find the cure.  (See, now, (A.) that sounds an awful lot like work and (2.) that’s gonna take up a lot of “picturing Kevin naked” time.)

You can tell that your love life isn’t working out at the moment, but you’re not quite sure how to change.  (Um, We’re thinking “get a love life” might be a start?)

Contrast the payoffs you get from your current situation with the benefits you’d get from your ideal match. (Again, too much like work.)

(Kevin naked.  THERE ya go.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

When you believe in things that you don’t understand, then you suffer

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  Friday, May Turd, Twenny-Turdteen.  Happy Birthday to Deborah, who turns twenty-four today.  Also, Happy Birthday to Larry, who also turns twenty-four today.  Also also, Happy Birthday to Shelita Buffet, who also also turns twenty-four today.  All right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  (Well, Shelita Buffet is actually in Chest Wester, but close enough.)

Belatedly, Happy Belated Birthday to OurAmericanCousin Chris, Elaine, Izzy, Pat, and Robb, each of whom turned twenty-four yesterday.  For a Grand Total of a hundred and twenty.  That’s eight hundred and forty in dog-years. Or, as We call them around these parts, “bitch-years”.

We missed all of those birthdays yesterday because We were absent from Bloggonia.  Oh, We’re fine.  No, really.  But thanks for asking.  The chirping crickets were a nice touch.

We have Precious Little to report.  (We feel as though We say that all the time, but a quick tiptoe through the tulips of Our archives shows that We have only employed said phrase eleven times before.  (Or, as Precious Little would say, “elebben”.)  Here is the most notable vintage occurrence:

“We have Precious Little to report.  Precious Little being, naturally, Chicken Little’s gay brother.  Who was totally fabulous, until the Skyy™ fell.  Apparently, no one ever taught him the old maxim, don’t cry over spilt vodka.  Precious little was heard of Precious Little after that, despite the ascent to stardom of his (and Chicken Little’s) older brother, Rich Little.  Who became famous for doing Paul Lynde.  Well, doing impressions of Paul Lynde.  He may or may not have done him, also.  Precious Little certainly would have, but he and Rich Little didn’t travel in the same circles much after The Frank Gorshin Incident.

(See how We just made something out of nothing there?  Stayed tuned, as later on, We shall being turning chickenshit into chicken salad.)”

Whatever would We do without The WayBack Machine to brighten up an otherwise dull e-pisstle to the E-phesians with a-phasia?

In other news, We had dinner last night at Good Dog, which is a very oddly-put-together bar and restaurant on 15^th Street, with the steepest staircases in the known universe.  We had never been there before, and, if any Gentle Reader could tell Us what the building was before it was Good Dog, We’d appreciate the history lesson.   Based on the staircases alone, We would be willing to bet on some nefarious goings-on in this building’s past.

Our WorldWideInterWebNetz had told Us prior to Our visit that We should try their award-winning Good Dog Burger, and since We do everything The Voices tell Us to do, We did.  It was indeed a delicious burger, although We were completely unenamored of the bun.   Fortunately, Our dinner companion had world-class lovely buns to make up for it.

Micro$oft Weird™ would have Us believe that “unenamored” is not a word’ but offers no suggestions for its replacement.  Nonenamored?  Antienamored?  Disenamored?  Armie Hammer (speaking of buns)?  We got nothin’.

 Attention, SitOnOurFaceBook friends:  We?  Do not play Farmville.  Are you fucking retarded?  How many fucking requests to shove a fucking rutabaga up your fucking stupid assholes do We fucking have to ignore before you fucking GET that We?  Do. Not. Play. Farmville.  Jeebus.

Well.  We feel much better now.  We love the smell of fucking rutabaga assfuckers in the morning. (That there is a fillum quote.  From Asspocalypse Now.)

Speaking of people with tuberous vegetables in their rectum (rectum?  We nearly  KILLED ‘em! (Why is this new paragraph making Us think of Michael Douglas and Matt Damon in that new Liberace movie?)), as you can see above, We have released Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope:  Taurus video.  Here is the link with which you will share it with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums:

http://youtu.be/iGNw4zF7MSs

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Taurus video for comparison:

(Did anyone notice that all of the preceding was a rerun?  That’s what you get for sending crickets to inquire after Us when We go missing.  Next time, send Lassie.  For all you know, We could have fallen down the well like that mongoloid idiot of a Timmy. (Or like the pussy in “Ding Dong Bell”.  (Or like Timmy’s Dong in Belle’s pussy for the Ding, Ba-Da-Bing, that’s-what-she-said.)))

(Didn’t see that last bit coming, didja?)

And now (changing, for some artifactual reason, to birthday-cake-icing-baby-blue), here are the HorrorScopes:

Speaking of Bing, it is Bing Crosby’s birthday.  He is, however, dead, so don’t expect cake.  Also, when We went spelunking for celebrity birthdays, We came across this tidbit of disinformation (of which We are unenamored):

NOAH MUNCK 17

Plays the frequently-shirtless Gibby on iCarly.

We have no idea what any of those words mean.  (Oh, dear lord, We just Googled Mister Munck on Wikipedia…someone get the mental floss, the brain bleach, and a rusty grapefruit spoon with which to remove Our eyeballs.)

You’re a born leader, (Also, We are a rebel.  And We’ll never, ever be. Any good.)

even if you rarely exercise that talent. (Wethinks you’ve misplaced your period, Kelli.  (“Wethinks” is, of course, “methinks” using The Royal We.  (Vagina jokes are never funny.  Period.)))

Today brings you an opportunity (With ENORMOUS knockers.)

to step up and take charge when your people get confused, so be ready to save the day!  (Kiss Us quick, We’re Mighty Mouse.  Or Modest Mouse.  One of those.)

Don’t be afraid to step up and take on a new responsibility or two today.  (When you walk through a storm, hold your haddock high, and don’t be afraid of Dick Clark.)

Adding a few more ambitions (We keep telling you: it’s “amBITCHins”.)

to your life is not an invitation to failure. (Well, good.  Because We would definitely have to send regrets.)

(See what We did there?  That there was one of those existential jokes.  You can tell, because it wasn’t funny.)

Sure, you won’t be able to reach every goal for yourself.  (You go, Knute Rockne.)

(We’ll take “Things You Never Expected To See In An Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!” for $500, Alex.)

But the more goals you do set, the better your odds are for reaching at least one of them. (So, according to this theory, if We attempt to sleep with the entire Swedish Olympic Men’s Swim Team, We should get to bang at least one of them.  Nice.)

You can’t think in complete terms — right now, close enough is good enough.  (Okay, Kelli.  Stand over there while We throw these horseshoes at your head.)

Being perfect is never possible, (And, oddly enough, being imperfect is never impossible, so it all works out.)

but that should not stop you from trying to be better than you are right now. (Wait…it gets better than THIS?!?)

Any plans you make today should have some extra mojo behind them, (Eating FroYo in slo-mo at the HoJo’s next to the dojo…nope, We got nothin’.)

so why not shoot for the stars? (Because there’s a seven-day-waiting period for a gun.)

Send out a few hot invitations, slap together a few parties or just ask that one cutie (Patootie?)

out for real.  (Fo’ shizzle my nizzle.)

(What?)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.