Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, October 19, 2012. We trust you have all recovered from your Zac
Efron naked birthday festivities yesterday.
Here at Erix Daily Horoscope, We have been having a spike in Our hit
count, which always makes Us wonder what is going on (since We know We don’t
have any more naked skimmers than We had before).
(It just occurred to Us to Google “naked
skimmers” on Wikipedia, to see where We might perchance acquire more. For the most part, the results were Erix
Daily Horoscope e-pissodes. How gratifying.)
At any rate, We consulted Our trusty
Google-O-Meter™, which informed Us that, in addition to the usual assortment of
“fat bellies”, “fat man”, and “fat men” (and why that horrible naked fat guy
picture holds such fascination for all y’all, We’ll never know), people still
have no idea that, if you want to search a phrase accurately, you need to put
it in quotes.
To wit, the folks who arrived here looking
for Buster Posey shirtless. Now, We Our
Own Self Personally had to look up this Buster Posey to see if there was
actually such a person. Apparently, he
plays that American sport that’s like cricket.
And, having seen him, We are perfectly amenable to having him appear within
these hallowed pages shirtless. Imagine
his fans’ disappointment, however, when they realize that, due to their lack of
quotation marks, they have arrived here due tour predilection for discussing
Buster Keaton and Parker Posey, neither shirtless, and whole bunches of other
non-Buster-Posey gentlemen, shirtless.
Our next example requires, mercifully, even
less explanation, as, while We have certainly mentioned Ms. Diana Rigg in these
e-pisstles (most recently, if We recall correctly, in a dissertation on the
fact that, when WE say The Avengers,
We mean something completely different from what You Chirren mean when you say The Avengers), We are certain beyind
doubt that We have never employed the phrase “Diana Rigg cameltoe”.
We actually had high hopes for the last
search phrase, but when We put it in quotes, We came up empty. What, however, is not to love about a “duck
dressed up as Justin Bieber”? We also
tried it the other way around, because if Justin Bieber dressed up as a duck,
specifically Donald, he’d be wearing a shirt and no pants, which would give Us
an excuse to say “Justin Bieber’s penis”, and put the following video in here
again:
Before We conclude this portion of Our
program, We must just give honorable mention the person who arrived here by
searching OMFG. We must also point out
that We did not make any of this up; these are actual search statistics
supplied by Google.
We are taking the day off from writing (other
than this e-pisstle…you lucky, lucky, people!), as We have other things to
do. Meanwhile, yesterday, some home
repair project going on next door was so loud that We thought We would lose
what passes for Our mind. We did,
however, keep writing, and still look to be on schedule for completing The Murder
Mystery That Would Not Die by the end of the weekend.
Despite the back-alley abortion that is The Weather,
We must needs go to the Ack-A-Me. And,
it being Spirit Day, whereon One must wear purple to show One’s opposition to
bullying, One has a problem. Because,
while One can think of at least three purple dresses in One’s wardrobe, One
cannot think of a single stitch of purple boy clothing. And One is NOT wearing a dress to the
Ack-A-Me.
After all, it’s raining.
Meanwhile, the following is happening in one week:
The WaitStaff’s Halloween Match Game Extravaganza!
The Real Housewives of South Philly join host Gene Rayburn
and the usual assortment of ding-a-lings for a kreepy, kooky, mysterious and
spooky, altogether ooky Halloween edition of The Match Game!
Friday and Saturday, October 26 & 27, and Wednesday, October 31 (that's Halloween!) All shows are at 7:30.
Friday and Saturday, October 26 & 27, and Wednesday, October 31 (that's Halloween!) All shows are at 7:30.
Get your
tickets here: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/284819
Speaking
of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here
is last year’s Libra video to compare with this year’s (see above):
Here’s
the HorrorScope:
It
is Jeannie C. Riley’s birthday. How sad
that that’s the best We can do. Sorry if
you’re gonna have Harper Valley PTA stuck in your heads for the rest of the day.
You
are having an easier time with meetings, (Our last “meeting” was a week
ago. And the one before that was
probably a week before that. Sigh.)
brainstorming
(Take an umbrella! And wear your
rubbers.)
and
other activities that require leadership and forward-thinking. (Leadership
requires followers. Penmanship requires
penguins. The Good Ship Lollipop
requires Shirley Temple tapdancing.)
(There. How “forward thinking” izzat?)
Your
great mental energy ensures that you impress all the right people. (As long as they’re imaginary.)
Get
ready for one of your biggest emotional walls to come down — or rather, be torn
down by a very compassionate person who wants to get to know you a little bit
better! (Is it just Us, or did every
ho-ma-seck-shull in the place just say, “Tear DOWN that bitch of a bearing wall…”?)
They
won’t accept shallow small talk from you this time. (And We can’t do Shallow Hal talk, because We never saw
it.)
(What?)
They
want to know your true thoughts and are interested in what you really want out
of life. (Well, pudding’s nice.)
(We
have no idea where that came from.
Please send help.)
Exploring your feelings in front of another
person doesn’t need to make you feel uncomfortable. (At least, not as uncomfortable as that
sentence made Us feel.)
You
can trust this person with all of your vulnerabilities. (What about Our velociraptors?)
Now
this is more like it! (That would seem
to depend on what exactly “this” and “it” are, don’t you think?)
Pack
your social schedule for all of the day and all of the night — you’ll love
meeting new people and developing deeper bonds with a certain someone new. (Did someone say “bondage”? Dinner is going to be interesting…)
(Your
Your-O-Scopes:
http://www.humorscope.com)
(Meanwhile, why
We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than
necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal
blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the
Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets
and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
