Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday, March 29, 2013. Happy-Birthday-In-Advance to Aileen, who turns twenty-four this weekend. Also, Happy-Birthday-In-Advance to Mark, who also turns twenty-four this weekend.
And Happy Good Friday to the rest of all y’all. Ya know, in addition to all of its other faults, the Catholic Church clearly lacks a sense of proportion. Here is The Son Of Gawd, fercrissakes, dying a horrible death for your sins, and to save you from The Wrath Of Khan, or whatever, and the best adjective you can come up with for the day is “Good”? Jeebus!
Meanwhile, if you were (subjunctively) said Son Of Gawd, We are guessing that “Good” would not be exactly how You would describe Your day. (Unlike The Royal We and Our, that was, of course, The Holy You and Your.) Jesus: “This is NOT what I meant by ‘getting My nails done’!”
We are going to keep this short and sweet (well, short, anyway) today, as We know that, if you are at work, you are leaving early, and, if you are not at work, you are busy filling your basket, or other Easter-related activities. We Our Own Self Personally were supposed to be having a str8 boi come over this evening so We could dye his eggs, but that activity has been postponed till a later date.
Speaking of str8 bois’ eggs and rising from the dead, here is the link with which you would share Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Aries video with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums, if you were so inclined:
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:
Meanwhile, condoms that taste like bacon? Honey, if We could taste Our Own condoms, We’d never leave the house. (Now how ‘bout somebody invents a condom that tastes like KEVIN Bacon?)
And now, in case you thought things couldn’t get worse, here is Kelli’s HorrorScope:
In other news, Happy Birthday to Chris Massoglia, some famous guy you’ve never heard of, who turns twenty-one today. Stop over later, and We’ll dye your eggs.
You are moving more slowly through your tasks and social obligations (Little Rhoda and her social obligations…(In other news, it is also Eileen Heckart’s birthday today. But trust Us, Chris Massoglia is prettier. (No offense to Miss Heckart…she is, after all, ya know, DEAD. Which will just wreak havoc with One’s beauty regimen.)))
than you would like (Oh…is Kelli still talking?)
— but there’s no rushing this time around! (There is, however, a random exclamation point to convey a false sense of urgency.)
Try to make sure that you’re on top of your to-do list. (You hear that, Chris Massoglia? WE’RE on top.)
Someone who is known for being unusually introverted is going to surprise you today (SURPRISE!!!)
when they burst out of their shell (How EGGciting!)
and stir up some exciting ideas. (EGGciting…get with the program.)
Get involved with what they have got going on — after all, if it has created such a dramatic transformation in their life, it must be something worth pursuing. (Oh, sure…one introvert makes an omelet, and We’re supposed to chase them all around the mulberry bush.)
Things are changing in their life, and you are an inspiration for some of that change. (Why We can’t inspire folding money, We’ll never know.)
This is your chance to be someone’s personal cheerleader. (Wait till they get a load of THESE pompoms!)
Get out there and give them a hand. (You heard the lady, Chris Massoglia.)
Ready for some fun? (No.)
(Didn’t expect THAT, didja? Now what?)
You’re in adventurer mode, ready to walk into all sorts of situations and talk to all sorts of people. (You’re picturing Us all dressed up like Dora the Explorer, aren’t you? Pervert.)
Your outgoing ways may initially take some aback, (Not to mention affront.)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
but you’ve got the charm to win ’em over. (Again with this SINGULAR charm that We allegedly have…)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.