Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday, March 08, 2013. Happy International Women’s Day to all of Our International Women readers. We hope you are enjoying some lovely General Foods™ International Coffee at the International House of Pancakes™ while you peruse an International Male™ catalog. (Does this holiday discriminate against women who have never left their home country? Inquiring minds want to know. Also, while it is perfectly possible to have a Miss World™ pageant, where does One get the presumption to have a Miss Universe™ pageant? (“International Male™ catalog” made Us think of swimsuits, which made Us think of swimsuit competitions, so here is a picture of Kevin Bacon in a Speedo™:
If Our ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulations) are a bit (further) off the mark today, it is because We be illin’. You see, yesterday Our Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video director asked Us if We were getting sick, to which We replied, “No”. It being clearly, as One can see from the weather shenanigantics, Opposite Week, We were immediately stricken down with what We can only assume is a soap opera malady. (We’re fairly certain We had amnesia once as well, but We don’t remember much about it.) We shall probably be dead by next Friday’s e-pissode, but YouPeople will never notice, as We shall be replaced by Our Evil Twin.
Now, of course, when you should all be off dialing 1-800-FLOWERS™ to send Us get-well baskets (see Kevin Bacon’s Speedo™, above), all you can do is sit there and say, “Wait…this is the GOOD twin?”
Here is a picture of a get-well basket:
Hey, We’re dying here. Cut Us some slack.
In other news, today is the last day of Our drinking Maya Angelou’s Christmas tree’s asshole tea instead of coffee. (If you were absent the day We explained that, please go back your own self and find the reference. It was ten calendar days ago, but We really cannot be arsed to do it for you.) We had been drinking Our Maya Angelou’s Christmas tree’s asshole tea iced, but today, because We are sick, We are drinking it hot. As We sit by the phone waiting for Lipton’s™ to call and invite Us to join their Product Naming Division.
Meanwhile, nice weather We’re having, eh? We don’t give a shit how much damn unpredicted snow falls, We’re not shoveling it, because they are predicting 57 degrees and sunny for tomorrow, and We are just sick enough to believe them.
Here is the SitOnOurFaceBook event where you can find out all about Uncharted Waters (and its companion piece, Superwoman), and say you’re coming:
Speaking of Opposite Day, why don’t’cha all do something different and share Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video for Pisces with your friends: http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8 .
Here are the HorrorScopes:
Well, no wonder We are under the weather. It is James van der Beek’s birthday, and We have not been invited to join in the festivities. (FYI There is a gay porn fillum called Dawson’s Crack. We felt you needed to know that.)
Here is the rearview of that get-well basket:
You new ideas are your best yet (What gave you that idea?)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
(No? Us neither.)
— so make sure that you’re talking them up throughout the day! (To the best of Our knowledge, We shall be talking to no one today. We still have a fillum shoot tomorrow. And We must, at some point, learn the fifty-six words of dialog We need to know. (Yes, We said “words”, not “lines”, or “pages”. Becoming an overnight success apparently takes a really long time. (On the plus side, some very clever director will no doubt be able to rearrange said fifty-six words as uttered by Us on celluloid into a stunning message from beyond the grave to be delivered sometime after Our demise on next Friday’s e-pissode. Naturally, that will have to wait until Our evil twin is unmasked.)))
(Vacation time shares in (what passes for) Our mind are still available between now and Memorial Day.)
Of course, you need to get to work at some point, but it may be better for now to gin up support. (Wait…since when is “gin” a verb? Does that make “martini” a verb as well? What if people start to confuse it with “watusi”?)
Why are you doubting other people’s truthfulness right now? (Because they are lying liars who lie?)
When they say they will be there to help you, they will be! (Great! Please vacuum Our sinuses, Pronto.)
(Pronto is capitalized because he is Our new sidekick. Much like the Lone Ranger’s Tonto. Or the Green Hornet’s Kato. Or Batman’s Dildo.)
(We told you, We’re sick.)
A new person on the scene might want to share the spotlight with you, but they have no intention of stealing it all from you — so just relax and show this person you welcome them on the scene. (Yes, We shall be meeting new people on the set of Our fillum. People just LOVE meeting Typhoid Mary.)
So, you like this person, but what’s their story? (It’s the story of a man named Brady, who was “busy” with three boys of his own… (Did that sound dirty to you? Because it sounded dirty to Us.))
Use your favorite search engine to check them out — subtly of course. (“SuBtly” is Our middle name.)
Better to know whether this person’s an ax murder before it goes any further, unless, of course, you like ax murderers! (In the grand scheme of things, by the time One finds out that someone is an ax murderer, wouldn’t whether One likes them or not be a moot point? (Unless, of course, they were on, say, What[‘s My Line? Arlene Francis: “Are you in show business?” Ax murderer: “No, I’m an ax murderer.”))
(Did We just make an Arlene Francis joke? Perhaps We should go back to bed…)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.