Yes, we have no bananas, we have no bananas today

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday, June Sebbenf, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Terri, who turns twenty-four today.  Also, Happy Birthday to Craig, who also turns twenty-four today.

Also, Happy National Doughnut Day.  We are waiting to be brought doughnuts.  We are not, however, holding Our breath.

Three words We would like never to hear again:  Candy Crush Saga.  WTF is the matter with all of YouPeople?

Meanwhile, We are in the third month of same, and We still cannot wrap Our head(s) around the fact that We work Friday and Saturday nights.  (We would say “do a show”, but the amount of time We spend “doing the show” pales in comparison to the amount of time We spend working.  (Tonight, meanwhile, is a “special” show for sixty-five people.  No word yet on whether they are “special” people.)))

Those of you who come here to read the articles AND look at the pictures will no doubt remember this picture from yesterday (as will, naturally, those who only come (heh) to look at the pictures):

You may also remember the accompanying information, which see here:

(Insert WayBack Machine Sound Effects.)

Quickly changing the subject (and thereby, obviously, distracting The Universe), you may have noticed today’s Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  Pixture Du Jour Au Jus OMiGod Here Comes A Bus!  Not, certainly, that there is anything unusual about Us displaying a pixture of a handsome young gentleman in a Speedo™, but in this instance (A.) We are acquainted with said young gentleman and (2.) We are posting the pixture in aid of a worthy cause.

To explain, the handsome young gentleman in question is Our former ex-son-in-law/future ex-husband and/or nursing home attendant, The Lovely And Talented IceyPop.  If you follow this link: https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=614986035179564&set=a.614981671846667.1073741830.125423000802539&type=1&theater you will find said pixture on SitOnOurFaceBook, where, by liking and sharing same, you will aid The Lovely And Talented Mister Pop in his quest to win a free trip to Las Vegas.  He will no doubt NOT take his former ex-mother-in-law on this trip, but We are feeling altruistic today.  Plus, Speedo™.

We reiterate this (but first, We pause to double-check the meaning of “iterate”…which is, as We thought, “to perform or utter repeatedly”.  So “reiterate” would seem to be both re-petitive and re-dundant.  (Note to Self: double-check meanings of “petitive” and “dundant”.)  One source, in fact, listed “reiterate” as a SYNONYM for “iterate”.  Which seems re-dickulous.  Sigh.  Engrish As A Second Ranguage is difficult, especially around the hollandaise.)  mainly because, during a conversation with OurFrank yesterday, several new jokes concerning same came to light.  And far be it from Us not to Cher.

Frank and I were discussing Wilmington’s status as the Banana Import Capital of North America (because that is just the sort of weighty issue that We discuss) when it occurred to Us that:

(1.) a Speedo™ is often referred to, especially in certain literary genres, as a “banana hammock”,

a fact which We expressed regret at not having recalled earlier, so it could have been included in yesterday’s Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! e-pissode.

It further occurred to Us that

(B.) “earlier” could be construed to mean “more like an earl”

a fact which We expressed regret at having recalled at all.

We know how grateful you all are for that glimpse into the inner workings of what passes for Our mind.

Meanwhile, all the naked skimmers just looked at the Speedo™ and are having a fap.

In still other news, you will notice the appearance above of Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: GEMINI 2013 video. We expect you will do your usual bang-up job of sharing it with all of your friends using this link: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js , because you care about Us like that.

For those who enjoy history, here is Our Gemini 2011 video, which was Our very first one:

And now the HorrorScopes:

So many celebrity birthdays today:  Prince, and Tom Jones, and Liam Neeson, and Dean Martin, and Michael Cera (sigh).  But, most importantly, Ken Osmond of Leave It To Beaver (Heh…she said “beaver”) turns seventy today.  “That’s a very lovely dress you’re wearing, Mrs. Cleaver.”

Meanwhile, Madame Olivia now apparently contacts Us once a week.  AND calls Us by name, unlike AssHat Kelli:

Greetings Eric ~  (See?)

Madame Olivia is pleased to see you again.  (Kelli is never pleased to see Us.)

Madame Olivia would like to share a technique for getting stuff 

done that you've been putting off. Here it is: drop the self-

berating, white-knuckle approach. Do NOT scare yourself by 

envisioning the whole bloody project. Instead, toy with it. Nibble

 at it. Be casual. Try wandering over and idly picking up the

 hammer, or poking at the keyboard, or scrolling through your

 contacts on your phone until you come to the name you need to 

call: whatever might be one bit of the project in question. The 

idea is to catch a tiny thread of action that will lead you to more

 action. Try this. It has worked for Madame Olivia.

Dear Aries, an opportunity for expansion is ahead, maybe in the

 earthly realm but for sure in the inner-you realm. A new idea or 

concept or project will present itself to you: embrace it! A

growing maturity can ensue, maturity in the best possible sense,

in your case, both wise and frolicsome. (Kelli never says “frolicsome”.)

Odd numbers will have importance in coming days

It is time to take our leave for now. Madame Olivia wishes you 

Bon courage!  (Kelli never speaks French.)

See you next time,

Madame Olivia

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

A lover, a dreamer, and me

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, June 8^th…if you say that really fast, it sounds Frawnch.  No, really…try it with Us: FryDayZhooNaith… FryDayZhooNaith… FryDayZhooNaith …see?  (Unbeknownst to you, you have just placed an order for parboiled escargot in cumin-scented lemur semen, which will be deposited before you five minutes from now by a surly waiter with poor hygiene and a foreskin that looks like Mildred Natwick.  He will insist…but insist!...that you taste it in his presence so he may relay your reaction to the chef.  And We will laugh and laugh and laugh…)

Those of you with foreskins, or foreskin experience (ahem), are now contemplating just what exactly one would have to do to induce one’s foreskin to resemble Mildred Natwick.  A whole new world of foreskin impressionism is opening up before you.  (You’re welcome.)  This is why Frank Gorshin only sometimes wore the green-tights costume when he played the Riddler on Batman; his foreskin frequently did impressions all on its own, and was disruptive to the filming process. (You try filming a serious fight scene while a foreskin that looks like Henry Kissinger is speaking to you from Frank Gorshin’s tights.)

But that’s just silliness.

Meanwhile, riddle me this, Batman (said Frank Gorshin’s foreskin, sounding, for some reason, uncannily like Julie Newmar with a head cold): what’s more fun than the WaitStaff playing The Match Game ?  Nothing, that’s what. Tickets can be obtained here:  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/250950  or at the door.  Find more info on Our SitOnMyFaceBook event here:  http://www.facebook.com/events/429387893745900/  Be there or be square.

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Those of you who have been paying attention (and We’re sure you’re BOTH very nice) will no doubt be pleased to hear that it is no longer Michael Cera’s birthday.

You need to look forward and make sure that the future is every bit as exciting as you want it to be!  (That would seem to require crystal balls.  Which means it’s a good thing We’re not wearing culottes.)

(Having said that, We are hard-pressed to think of any occasion when it would NOT be a good thing that We’re not wearing culottes.  Or a tube top.  Or Frank Gorshin’s green Riddler tights.)

(Did anyone else just have a sort of Muppet-foreskin flash?  Frank Gorshin’s foreskin singing “It’s Not Easy Being Green”? Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

Your energy is much less focused on the present day, (Wait…We get presents?)

so it’s easier than usual to think ahead.  (It would be easier to think OF head if We got some from time to time.  Just sayin’.)

Do not let someone’s nasty comment eat away at you (Save that privilege for the flesh-eating bacteria.)

— they are only trying to push your buttons, (We should be so lucky.)

and if you get mad, you’ll only play into their hands. (And that would be bad?)

Instead, be extra good to them. (Gooder than We already are?  How is that even possible?)

Show them more respect than they have shown you. (Sing it, like Aretha Franklin’s urethra.)

Kill them with kindness. (If that doesn’t work, kill them with your foreskin’s Bill Cosby impression.)

By rising above the petty fight they seem to be itching for, you will show them — and the influential people who may be watching — that you are better than they are. (As though there were any doubt.)

Taking the high road is always wise for you.  (Well, according to conventional wisdom, not if you wish to get to Scotland in the fastest way possible.)

Romance is coming soon enough. (Yes, but how soon exactly?  Because if romance shows up will the wrong person is here, We could wind up barking up the wrong foreskin, and how embarrassing would THAT be?)

(How many of you are now pixturing Us barking into a foreskin?  Sort of like the RCA Victor dog in reverse…”his master’s voice”, and all that.)

(Vacation time shares in Our mind are still available for some weeks in July and August, but they’re filling up fast.)

But rushing into that date or making that call could spell disaster.  (Aretha Franklin’s urethra just got done spelling R-E-S-P-E-C-T…what else do you want from her?  She is not your dancing monkey.)

Take some time today to explore your individuality and your connection with others. (Someday We’ll find it, the Rainbow Connection…you DO realize that you’ll never be able to see Kermit the Frog again without thinking of Frank Gorshin’s foreskin.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Grease is the word is the word is the word

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ThurzDee, June 7, 2012.  This just in from OurShaun in London.  England.  YooKay:  The Queen’s birthday shenanigantics were interrupted today by dictionary.com, who declared that “natch” is now a bona fide word.  “Natch”, for those of you unfamiliar with the vernacular, is how ‘tards say “snatch”.

You’re welcome.

(Just be glad We didn’t go off on Our “bonerfied” riff.)

As you can see, We got nothin’.  It is, however, a beautiful day in the neighborhood.

Speaking of boners, the WaitStaff will be playing The Natch Game again by popular demand tonight and tomorrow night at 7:30 at L’Etage at 6^th & Bainbridge.  And We expect an enormous turnout in honor of the passing of the late, great Richard Dawson. Reservations are strongly suggested, and can be obtained here:  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/250950  , although there will most likely be a few tickets left at the door.  Plus, you never know who will be working the door at one of these events.  So Dew Drop Inn. Find more info on Our SitOnMyFaceBook event here:  http://www.facebook.com/events/429387893745900/  Be there or be square.

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Astrology.com would have Us believe that it is still Michael Cera’s birthday…what is he, The Queen of England?

Your drive (Our what?)

and motivation (These things aren’t even words!  “Natch” is a word!  “Nachos” is a word!  “Not yo’ natch’s nachos” is a sentence!  Granted, it’s a totally ‘tardy sentence, but still!  Sentence!)

(What?)

are everything right now — and you should find that your energy is best spent sparingly.  (Not only that, but We’d better get change back.)

Focus it all in one direction and you should see great dividends soon!  (Oh, sure.  The old “great dividends” trick.)

Today, as it should be on most days, your reputation must be your top concern. (We led with a snatch joke…We’re pretty sure Our “reputation” is toast.)

So don’t take any short cuts, don’t cut any corners, and don’t move forward on any projects with less than total focus.  (Wow.  “Don’t”, “don’t”, “don’t”.  Listen to Nancy The Negative Natch, here.)

You are being watched right now, (NOW you tell Us.  After We’ve already scratched Ourself inappropriately.)

and your choices will be scrutinized to a nearly ridiculous degree. (Fortunately, “Ridiculous” is Our middle name.  “Dick”, for short.)

But you don’t have to be nervous, because you are on the right path, doing the right thing. (We were in the right place, but it must’ve been the wrong time.)

(Heh.  She said “Dick”.)

Just keep on keeping on and save your lazier attitude for another day.  (1969  called…it wants its horoscope back.)

It’s understandable to be concerned about what others think, (Wait…there are others?  And they’re allowed to THINK?!?)

but you’ve also got to follow your heart (Follow your nose, it always knows the flavor of fruit, wherever it goes.)

(What?)

and be true to yourself. (Also, your school.  Be true to your school.  Whatever the fuck THAT means.)

Carefully consider your core values when it comes to love decisions now. (Whatevs.)

(See you all at The Natch Game!!!)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.